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My Sister - Kerigan

I’m devastated, shattered. After years and years of battling with her health, my sister passed away a few days after Christmas on the 27th December.

My beautiful sister Kerigan

Her passing wasn’t sudden as her health had been worsening over the last few months. She has had many chronic illnesses and has been bravely dealing with them for many years.

I've lost count of the hospital visits, operations and all she had to endure. I don't want to remember all the times I paced my living room, hoping and praying this wouldn't be the time she wouldn't make it through.

The past three years have been the worst. The last year felt like I was in a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. But now that I no longer have my sister I have just realized the true nightmare has just begun. There is an emptiness and a silence that can’t be filled. I'm lost.

Her death has hit us hard. She leaves behind a heart broken husband as well as two beautiful kids. My mother, who always kept us all going strong, is struggling to say goodbye to her baby.

I’m overwhelmed by the number of people who have reached out to share their grief with us. It just shows how special she was and what we have all lost.

My little sister by two years has been my best friend, my confident, and my lifeline for nearly my whole life.

How do I go on without her? Right now, that feels impossible.

I cannot be selfish enough to wish her back, she had been in agony. Each day had been a struggle for her. There is a part of me that takes comfort in the fact that she is free from the pain and suffering.

But the part of me that has loved, cared and protected her for her whole life wants her back so badly, I want it more than the air I breathe. Every second without her is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.

I’m shaken, not only emotionally. On a physical level I feel like a toddler learning to walk again. It’s something I can’t explain. My confidence is shaken and I feel raw and bruised.

Today we are celebrating her life with a gathering of close family and friends. I've been dreading today as I’m in no way ready to accept she won't be with us anymore but life doesn’t stop. As much as it hurts I need to find a way to carry on without her.

My sister loved me and wouldn’t want me to give up. She would want me to keep her in my heart, alive in my memories as I navigate this new life without her. I will honour her memory as I watch over her family and try get them through this as best as I can.

Before I was torn between wanting my sister’s suffering to end and wanting just one more day with her. But now I’m torn between the fear that if I do find a way to get through this, her memory will fade. I don’t want to forget a single moment of this extraordinary person whose presence I was blessed with.

It breaks my heart that she won’t touch another person with her kindness, strength, loyalty and love.

I’m thankful for every moment I had with her. I am who I am because of her. I can only hope I make her proud.

I won't remember her pain, I won't remember how she suffered. I will let all of that go so I can remember how she lived her life to the fullest, on her own terms with a heart filled with love and laughter.

To my sister. I will love you always.

Goodbye. Not forever. Just for now.

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