Later that evening I was in bed staring at the door trying to fall asleep but no matter how much I tried I was still stubbornly wide awake. I tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position but I couldn’t quiet my mind enough to go to sleep.

I sat up in the bed and ran a soothing hand through my short hair. It made me feel protected in a way I couldn’t explain. It made me think of Jack. No matter how crazy it had been to chop my hair off he had been understanding. It made feel warm in my chest when I thought of him and how he handled my vulnerable moments even when I wasn’t sure how to deal with them myself.

There was a sound of a door opening and closing. I stilled.

It was probably Jack. He had me he had to go out and that he wouldn’t be gone long.

I heard footsteps and then I heard another door shut closed. Slowly, I moved from the bed to the door and placed my head against it. Listening.

There was no hesitation on my part. It was an invasion of his privacy but I didn’t care.

I heard a muffled sound so I opened the door as quietly as I could. I could hear heavy breathing coming from the door across the hall. Jack’s bedroom.

I frowned as I heard someone groan. One step forward, followed by another. My heart raced, my ears echoed thump of my frightened heart.

For a startling moment the worse fear possible shot through me and my breath halted in my lungs.

“Jack,” someone gasped. Their voice hoarse. I froze. A female voice.

It took a few more moments of listening carefully before it dawned on me what was taking place in his room.

Jack wasn’t alone. There was someone with him, in his room. They were…

The heavy breathing, groans.

My stomach dropped and I backed away from his door, only stopping when my back hit the wall. I sucked in a breath, trying to fill my lungs but not wanting to draw any attention. Feeling like I had the rug pulled out from under and me, I was reeling.

Every moment I had experience with him evaporated into nothingness leaving me feeling like a fool for even allowing myself to entertain the idea that I felt something between us. Even if it hadn’t been something tangible. It mad me question everything, had I imagined it. Was I so desperate I had allowed myself to see something that wasn’t there. It made me feel humiliated and thankful I hadn’t done anything about it. I would have made such fool of myself.

The female cried out. I cover my ears trying to block it out. I went straight back into my room, shutting the door hastily behind me. Trying to distance myself from what I had just witnessed.

I was so naive. It made me doubt my sense of perception and ability to read others.

I felt so shamed and naive to believe for a second there was more Jack’s interactions with me than someone who was trying to help me. He cared for me like the friend of his dead sister. That was it.

My chest hurt like I had been slammed into a wall. The pain so intense it felt physical. I sat down on the bed and threaded my hands together trying to breath through the pain radiating from my chest.

I felt so stupid. I had clearly been seeing things that weren’t there. Jack was just trying to help me and I was developing feelings for him that were in no way reciprocated.

I hated myself in that moment, so much, I wanted to hurt, punish myself.

Drugs would ease the pain, it would ebb away the emotions until I felt nothing. I blew out a deep heavy breath trying to figure out what I could do to stop myself from feeling.

I looked to the door. There was no way I could go back out there for fear of hearing more. It was too much to deal with. I looked around the room until my eyes rested on the door to the bathroom.

Inside the bathroom I looked to the shower as I began to strip off my clothes. Slowly at first, feeling desperate as each second passed to shut down the emotions tearing me apart inside. I couldn’t get the clothes off fast enough before I stepped int other shower and turned the cold tap on.

The water hit like a block of ice, first my face and hair before rushing down the rest of my naked body. I hissed at the sudden change in temperature, resisting the urge to stop. I closed my eyes fighting against the reflex to seek warmth.

The water was so cold it was like tiny needles against my skin but I remained still under the rush of water. The pain from inside superseded by the physical pain of the cold.

I gasped as I tilted my face to the force of the water, determined to ease the pain inside of me. There was no more thinking about Jack and the woman who was in his bedroom. The only thing I could think about was the the cold, making me shiver.

I stood there for what felt like a long time but was probably only about ten minutes before I felt like I could switch off the water and not feel the pain inside any longer.

Water dripped from me as I stepped out the shower and reached for a towel. I put it around me and studied myself in the mirror. I grasped the towel tighter.

Not only did I look terrible, my skin was blotchy, dark rings under my eyes. I was bony thin and looked like I needed a hot meal. But it was the look in my eyes, a sadness that radiated from me. I was wounded. Was that people saw in me? Was that what made Jack want to save me?

If someone who didn’t know what I had gone through be able to see it in me, without even knowing anything about my past. I shivered, feeling the cool droplets from my damp hair.

I would never be the same girl I was before. The one who had held dreams and aspirations for the future was long gone.

Now I was just a shell of the same person, filled with fear of death and dying. And what ifs. What if that night had unfolded differently? What if Alice and I had stayed at her house instead of going to the bonfire on the beach that night?

What if? I released a heavy breath. In my mind was a clear memory of Alice laughing in the distance, her face filled joy. It still hurt to think about her at all. It brought back everything I had been trying to forget or to outrun.

What would she be like today, if her life hadn’t been taken so viciously?

I rarely allowed myself to entertain those type of thoughts. Thinking about what could have been was wasted. There was no way to take back what happened. Alice was still dead, and I was still broken.

I broke myself out of the spiral of thoughts. I couldn’t allow myself down that path for fear I wouldn’t return.

If I was going to survive I had to find a way to lock those thoughts away and throw away the key.

And the man responsible was still out there killing others. I gripped the counter, feeling my fingers clasp the porcelain harder, like I was hanging on for dear life.

The fear that he would find me brewed under the surface of my raw emotions reminding me of the precarious and dangerous situation I was.

There was no time to waste of dreams of a future of or of my growing feelings for Jack that were getting more difficult to ignore.

I dried myself off and pulled on some clothes before I crawled back into my bed, averting my gaze from the door where Jack’s bedroom was.

And trying my best to forget about what I had just heard.

I didn’t want anything from Jack. And I shouldn’t care what he was doing with a strange woman in his room.

It wasn’t any of my business.

Except it hurt like hell. I sighed.