I stood in the shower under the hot steaming water unable to shake off the memories of watching Alice’s family struggled with the news of her death. Each day, faced with their grief, the guilt had eaten away at me bit by bit. It weighed heavily on me.

My parents had tried so desparately to help me. Therapy had done nothing for me. I had lived in the fear of what I had experienced and nothing had been able to break me free. Nothing.

The only one who had given me any peace had been Jack. My family as well as his had not understood it. I wasn’t a psychologist but I believed it was because he was the one who had saved me. He had been the light in my darkest time.

I didn’t know his reasons for being there for me when I had clung to him with a life and death neediness.

That was before he had started to cut off contact. He had still taken my calls but kept his physical distance. And then the phone calls had become less frequent until finally we just stopped talking. I had felt like I had done something wrong, something I couldn’t figure out. Had it been something I said, or done? I still didn’t know what had caused it. Had I been too needy, depending on him more than I should have?

It had knocked me deeper into the abyss I was fighting to get free from. Without him as an anchor I had spiraled, alone and desperate.

I touched my hair. It had grown longer. I blocked out the vision of how I had gotten ready that night, ensuring my long hair had been styled perfectly. Before it had been important, now I couldn’t remember the last time I had done anything to it.

My fingers caught a piece of my hair. My mother had always told me my hair was beautiful, I had bathed in the compliment. But now I wanted to be the opposite.

Reasons why the guy had chosen Alice and I had plagued me. I had watched enough crime documentaries to know it was probably some physical trait that had made us a target. Had it been my long dark hair, or had it been Alice’s dirty blonde hair. Or had it just been a case of in the wrong place at the wrong time. Two young girls alone at night.

I had no answers, only fear.

I breathed through the growing tension building inside of me. I washed my hair quickly before lathering my body and rinsing, trying to focus on each menial task to stop myself allowing my thoughts to go back to that night and all the pieces I could remember.

I toweled myself off before pulling on the clothes Jack got for me. I soothed them down my skinny frame. They fit. I wondered how he was able to tell my size.

I hung the towel up before leaving to find Jack. There was some activity coming from the kitchen where I found him making grilled cheese sandwiches.

In the doorway I stopped. At the sound of my entrance he looked to me and smiled. “Hey.”

For a breath taking second he reminded me so much of his younger self. The one before Alice had been taken, the one who had been charming and carefree. So different to how he was like now.

I cleared my throat. “Hey.”

We had been through so much to be do polite stranger conversation.

“It’s nearly done. Do you want grab a plate?” He pointed the spatula to a cupboard behind him.

I reached into the cupboard and got out two plates. He switched off the stove and took the plates I handed him.

The crispy smell of cheese hung in the air. It was a reminder of old memories, good ones. I inhaled it deeply, wanting to hold onto it. But as always, it was fleeting.

“You okay?” Jack asked as he took a seat at the kitchen counter.

I nodded, pulling myself back to the present and taking the chair beside him.

I picked up the sandwich and took a small bite, making myself chew it slowly while giving Jack a side glance.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, not touching his food. His body turned to mine.

I shrugged. I felt like I had been to hell and back with the scars and pain to prove it.

He studied me while I ate, I kept my focus on the sandwich in front of me. It tasted so good. I couldn’t remember the last time I had warm food.

“Mmm.”

“It’s good isn’t it?” he asked.

I frowned, at him.

“You make that sound when the food is good.”

“What sound?” I asked softly, not even even realizing I had made any sound.

“Mmm.” He smiled and I was captivated by it.

My stomach fluttered, it felt like a million butterflies in my stomach. It was a feeling that I remember from before whenever I had interacted with Jack. I knew what it meant and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

I was in no state to deal with something like that, and I was sure Jack didn’t see me that way at all. It was unwanted. I did my best to ignore it.

“Uh…really?” I asked, not remembering anyone ever mentioning it before.

He nodded.

“It’s good.” I hadn’t felt

“Good because it’s about the only thing I can make.”

He was always so capable in everything he took on, I didn’t doubt that if he put his mind to it he would be able to accomplish anything, including cooking.

“I’m not complaining,” I murmured before taking another bite.

“Umm…I spoke to your mom again while you were in the shower.”

I swallowed and put the food down. Wiping my hands with the napkin he had given me. I rested my arms on either side of my plate, refusing to look to him. My parents weren’t something I was comfortable talking about.

“She… your parents want to see you.”

I didn’t want to see the sympathetic and pitying looks. They were so intent on trying to help me, it was smothering. In a way I understood they were trying to help but they didn’t understand I would never be the same person I was before. That young innocent sixteen year old died with Alice. I shoved the plate away.

“They love you Hadley. All they want to is to see you. Is that so bad?”

I closed my eyes tightly, feeling a pain in my chest. “They want me to be okay. They want to fix me but they can’t.”

He sighed heavily and I knew he was going to lecture me.

“Don’t be so hard them. They are trying their best.”

I made a move to get off the chair and he stopped me with a hand to the arm. “What’s wrong?”

I ground my teeth. “You want me to sit at the table and make happy families when I don’t know how I’m going to make it through each day? I can’t give them what they want. Don’t you get it.”

My throat burned. His eyes softened and his hand curled around my wrist gently. His thumb brushed my skin, making me very aware of how his touch was different from others. It made me very aware of him, I swallowed as his eyes drew me.

Feeling vulnerable I looked down.

“I thank God you’re still here Had.”

It was whispered and caught me so off guard. My eyes shot to his. There was so much to see in the depths of his eyes. I swallowed slowly.

“Losing Alice was…the worst thing I have ever experienced. The fact that you survived kept me going when all I wanted to do was give up but I couldn’t because you needed me.” His eyes glittered. “If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t be here.”

I touched his hand still on my wrist. It was exactly how I had felt. The pain and suffering at times too heavy to bear. I swallowed.

It was the first time he had ever admitted that to me. It was a daily struggle between survival and giving up for me. Not once had I ever considered how difficult it had been for him.