Disorientated I sat up in the bed trying to remember what happened. I shoved my hair out of my face. The last thing I could remember was detoxing from the drugs and falling asleep with Jack. I was alone in the bed in the spare room of Jack’s apartment.

Jack must have moved me. It was disconcerting the he had moved me without me waking up. I didn’t like feeling that vulnerable even if it was Jack.

I was tired but at the least the pain had subsided. Slowly, I threw my legs over the side of the bed and tested my weight on my legs. I was stiff, my muscles protested as I stood. My stomach ached, I couldn’t tell if was for food or from the after affects of detoxing.

Slowly, I shuffled to the door. My hand rested on the door handle. I inhaled deeply, unsure if I was ready to face my reality without the help of the drugs. I held my breath as I opened the door to peer out. The apartment was quiet so I left the room and headed to the living room in search of Jack.

I found him seated in the living room on the sofa. He held rubbed the back of his necks as he was staring at a document he held. His focus completely on what he was studying.

The sound of my entrance made him look up. All I could remember was how he had spent every moment of my detox with me trying to get me through it. When I hadn’t believed I could do, he had been there to assure me that I could.

No one believed in me anymore. I hadn’t given anyone a reason to. From the time Alice had died I begun to spiral. It had been so subtle in the beginning. It was his presence that had held me steady but when he had pulled away from me there had been no one to slow my decline.

“You’re awake.” He stood, placing the paper he had been holding on the small wooden coffee table.

His hair was wet and he had changed. He wore faded jeans and a white shirt that amplified his fit physique. I swallowed. It was reminder of how he made me feel. It was complicated and difficult to label now.

I nodded, remembering how I curled up beside him before I had fallen asleep. Feeling vulnerable wasn’t something I handled well. After everything I had been through I knew the repercussions of making the wrong choice.

“Thank you,” I murmured, shifting my gaze down unable to face him after he had witnessed me at my lowest time and time again.

Could he even remember me when I had my shit together? Before everything had changed.

“You don’t need to thank me Hadley.” He shrugged his wide shoulders effortlessly.

I couldn’t stop looking at him in a way that was confusing and uncomfortable. A reminder of something that was still constant through everything. It reminded me that despite everything I had been through there was a part of me that had survived it. The part of me that had crushed on him before and stared at him now with my heart fluttering. I resisted it. I wasn’t coping and couldn’t take on anymore for fear I would buckle under the pressure.

I met his gaze, studying him.

“Why did you come looking for me Jack?” I was distrustful of his motives.

He had helped me, but where had he been for the last six months.

“Your parents are worried about you.”

I had put them through so much but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from going down the route I had. It had been the only way for me to survive. My parents hadn’t understood. Nobody had.

No one could understand what I had been through. I had tried medication, I had tried therapy. Nothing had worked. Nothing would dull the pain except for the drugs. That had been the only thing to give me a reprieve from the reality I was in. Going to school, boys, gossip, futures felt inconsequential to getting through each hour of the day trying to block out the terror of what I had been through.

“You just disappeared Hadley. They had no idea where you were.” His eyes narrowed on me.

I stiffened, not liking the way he was making me feel.

“After everything they’ve been through why would you do that to them?” Anger sparked in his eyes.

I wrapped my arms around my waist. “I was trying to survive Jack. One day at a time.” Exhaling slowly, I looked away not liking the way his eyes softened. “You have no idea what it’s like…”

I hated talking about it, the emotion that it brought up did no one any good especially me. Emotion clogged my throat and I swallowed. Everyone was holding onto the memory of Alice and I was running to try and escape it.

He sighed. “We just want to help you?”

I shook my head, feeling like my insides were raw. “There is no fixing this Jack.”

No one could bring Alice back and no one could erase the experience I had suffered through.

“I get it,” he added. “But you have to find a way to get through this. And drugs aren’t it.”

There was a hardness in his features that hadn’t been there before. We had all changed. I had been innocent before, I wasn’t anymore.

“The drugs help.”

He shook his head. “No more drugs Had.”

I tightened my lips together refusing to agree to anything. My survival was on the line, I couldn’t make promises I couldn’t keep.

There were times I considered if it would have been better to have died there in the basement with Alice.

I was very aware that at any time I could have ended things but after everything I had been through I couldn’t do that. In my eyes it was betrayal to the friend who had her life taken. I couldn’t throw mine away, no matter how difficult it was.

Even if at times I had been risking it by taking drugs to numb my pain. That in my mind hadn’t been the same. My intent had been survival.

“I called your parents to let them know I found you and that you’re safe,” he told me.

“Am I safe Jack?” It was a loaded question and I raised my chin slightly, hating the way I trembled inside.

His eyes didn’t waver from mine. “Yes, you’re safe. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“And when you stop coming by to check on me and eventually I stopped seeing you at all. Then what?”

His eyes were dark and stormy. “I didn’t do it to hurt you.”

“But you did.”

I had depended on him so much and when he wasn’t there anymore I had to try and find a way to prop myself up.

“I’m not going anywhere Had, I’m here to stay.”

I wanted to believe him but I couldn’t. Words meant nothing, actions spoke volumes.

“It might do you the world of good if you give your parents a call.”

I shrugged. “Maybe later.” I would put it off for as long as possible. “How are your parents?”

It felt like the right thing to ask.

“They are finding a way to get through each day.”

Weren’t we all?

“They are sorry for the way they treated you.” His voice soft and regretful.

I shrugged. “I get it. In their shoes I probably would have felt the same.”

They had lost their daughter and I had survived. While I had struggled with survivor’s guilt his parents had wrestled with the questions of why their daughter had been killed while I had escaped.

“It doesn’t excuse their behavior. You didn’t deserve any of it.”

Life wasn’t fair. I had already learned that hard lesson.

“What’s done is done.” It was a waste of time spending any time or energy on something that could not be changed.

“You said he is back Jack.”

The fear that had been deep inside began too claw it’s way to the surface, renewed. I dropped arms to my side. My hand shook slightly.

He nodded. “Two bodies have turned up.”

Bodies. People. Someone like Alice. I inhaled deeply trying to suffocate the pain.

“Bodies?” I echoed, unsure if I could handle any details.

“Yes. We think it’s the same guy.”

I leaned agains the door frame, feeling weak and unable to feign strength I didn’t have.

My heart started to race and the survival instinct to run was hard to fight.