I backed away and bumped into into something. My hand went out to object. It was hard, wooden. It was a step. The bottom of the stairs.

“Remember you’re safe.”

I breathed deeply trying not to panic but my heart was racing and I wanted to be anywhere but there.

It was then I wiped the dampness from my cheeks and I realized I was crying. The reality of the situation hitting me hard. My friend, my best friend was dead, laying in a pool of her own blood and I had no idea how it happened.

Somehow Dr. Ford kept me calm enough in the memory to look closer past the initial things I remembered. Like the layout of the house. The flooring, the furnishing. Every little detail. It was painstaking. Even anything I could smell. She was malicious about every sense I could remember.

The smell of the wood, the smell of the blood. The concrete. Everything I could recall. Even the smells I couldn’t quite place.

Even when I finally escaped the house. I was able to describe it in a detail I had never been able to.

By the end of the session I was exhausted. I didn’t have in me to even pretend I was okay.

Jack drove me back the apartment, I could feel his eyes on me every now and then and he drove but I was too emotional rung out to care.

All I wanted was to be alone in my room.

When we got back I stalked my bedroom and closed the door. It was so bright, the totally opposite to what I had been navigating. I sat with my back against the wall, my knees to my chest.

The things I had experience were fresh in my mind, like a wound that was trying to heal recut. It was raw and painful. I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to go through that ever again.

I was done.

I allowed myself to feel the pain and I began to cry. Alice had been the most important person in my life and in an instant she had been taken leaving an empty silent place that I had carried for so long. I wiped the tears away wishing I didn’t feel so helpless and weak.

I hadn’t been able to save her but I hoped there was something in the details that I shared that would at least be able to help the cops locate the place where it happened.

In the despair I mourned the girl who had been forced to witness something to evil.

Feeling tired, I lay on my side on the floor. I didn’t have it me to even try and get up. I just wanted to stare aimlessly, it stopped me from concentrating on the dark memories I had relived.

I don’t know how long it was before there was a gentle knock on the door. “Hadley.”

Jack. I could hear the concern in his voice but I didn’t want to break the silence I was in.

The door opened slowly. “I’m coming in.”

I was curled up in the fetal position when he found me. He studied me for a few moments before he sat down beside me.

I didn’t move and I wasn’t going to.

He sat beside me for a while before he reached out to touch me softly.

His touch warm, his hand on my arm. It was gentle and affectionate. “I wish I knew what to do.”

I closed my eyes. I wanted to tell him what I needed but I didn’t even know. He moved to spoon me and pull me into the warmth of his body. My head rested on his arm. He did nothing but hold me. Tears seeped out and he held me closer. I had cried so much I was sure I didn’t have anything left to cry out but there was a never ending supply of grief.

***********

When I woke up I was in my bed, alone. The door the bedroom open. It was dark except from the light from the hallway.

I rubbed my eyes and yawned as I sat up. Hunger pains rumbled in my stomach. I got up and headed to the kitchen to where I could hear Jack.

In the doorway I stopped to watch him. He was busy on his phone while he was making food.

There weren’t often times I got to study him while he wasn’t aware so I took a minute to allow my eyes to drift over him. He looked so handsome, even more than I could ever remember. His hair a little longer than usual. I remembered sliding my hands through his hair feeling the softness. He was fit and I remembered what it felt like to feel those hard muscles when we were in bed.

So much had changed between us and I had no idea where we would end up. All that I knew was that I wanted to hold onto these moments for fear of what would happen in the future.

“You’re awake.”

I blinked as I straightened. “Yeah.”

His eyes on me. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay.” It was the best I was going to offer.

He nodded. “I gave all the details to Beth. She was pretty excited that it would yield something.”

I nodded, not wanting to talk about that now. I wanted something normal, after all I had gone through earlier in the day I wanted to steer clear of it all.

I just wanted to be Hadley that had fallen for the older brother of her best friend. That had its own problems and they seemed the lesser heartache filled ones. This I could cope with now.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now.” I finally voiced what I needed.

He gave a nod. “Sure, whatever you need.”

Whatever he was cooking smelled so good.

“You better be hungry. I make some a mean bolognese and there is lots of it.” He turned to removed the pot from the stove.

“I’m starved,” I admitted.

“Good.” He got out some plates as I sat down. He placed a plate filled with steaming food and I picked up my fork.

“Thank you.”

It wasn’t just for the food, it was for everything he was doing for me. Shielding, comforting and taking care of me. No one had ever done that for me and it made me experience a bout of emotion.

“You’re welcome.” He smiled as he sat down across from me.

My eyes watered and I tried to pull myself together again. My throat burned and I swallowed.

His eyes narrowed and he took my hand in his. “You know I would do anything for you. What you’re doing for Alice…she would be so proud. This…” He indicated the food. “…is the least I can.”

I nodded, unable to talk. I was far too emotional. Maybe it was the aftereffects of the hypnosis.

I swallowed hard.

He studied me. “Feel what you need to Hadley. Bottling it up isn’t good for you, it will only make things worse.”

But I had cried so much already today. I felt raw inside, like I couldn’t stand to release one more tear. I could only survive so much. His thumb brushed against the skin of my hand as I fought back the emotion.

“I talk like I have everything figured out but I don’t. I can’t think about her without feeling so much anger it feels like I’m being suffocating.” His eyes darkened, he allowed the emotions to show for a moment before he pulled it back.

I nodded. I understood the fierceness of the emotions that came with the grief we were dealing with.

It took about a minute to be able to talk.

“You’ve done so much for me.”

“Anytime. And you know that.”

He had given me so much and I still wanted more. I wanted him to love me, even if he had already been upfront about what he could offer me.

I couldn’t allow myself to confuse Jack, the brother who had lost his baby sister to a senseless murder to the Jack who had been my first lover.

I had to be able to separate the two otherwise there would only be more heartache for me. And at this point I wasn’t sure it was something I could deal with.