I closed my eyes briefly, feeling a wave of pain at the desperation that had made me try and sneak out after all Jack had done for me. There was only shame that I was that weak.

“I can’t.” It came out as a whisper.

There was a few second of silence that followed my statement.

“You can’t what?”

I sighed, opening my eyes to face Jack. “I’m not leaving.”

It was a momentous decision for me, no one knew that more than him.

“Are you sure Hadley? Cause I can’t force you to stay, no matter how much I want to.” His voice was filled with so much emotion, it only reinforced the guilt I felt that I had even attempted to leave him in the middle of the night without a word.

I nodded, feeling too emotional to speak. Today I had experienced too much to be able to even pretend I was coping.

He retraced his way to the door and locked it before turning to me.

I released a shaky breath, unsure of where we went from here. “I’m sorry,” I felt compelled to say to him. I had put him through so much.

“You tired?”

I nodded, suddenly like the adrenalin that had kept me going this far had vanished and I yawned.

“Then let’s get some sleep.”

I looked back down to the hallway but couldn’t take a step back into the darkness where my mind would agonize over every moment of this and every reason why I should have left.

Jack stood beside me. I was afraid to tell him how weak I still felt even though I had made the decision to stay.

He threaded his fingers through mine and held my hand. “Stay with me tonight?”

“Are you afraid I’ll try leave again?” I asked softly, my heart heavy.

“That’s not why I’m asking you to stay with me.” His thumb brushed against softly against my hand. His touched reminded me of our times together. I swallowed.

I studied him.

“Why?”

He sighed. “Today wasn’t easy for me either.” He paused. “To hear what you went through. It brought it all back, you know?” His voice heavy.

I nodded, understanding. Holding his hand a little tighter.

We had shared pain. It was a bond I didn’t wish on anyone but it helped having someone who understood my pain although he would never be able to fully understand my ordeal. The loss of security in my life, the constant fear. It was something I couldn’t explain. In that I was alone.

“I think it’s best we aren’t alone tonight,” he stated.

But the problem was when we were together all I could think about was him and I, together. And there was nothing platonic in those thoughts.

“You think that’s a good idea?” I asked, unable to stop myself.

He studied me. “No.”

Was he going to change his mind? He tugged my hand to lead me to his room.

Inside he closed the door and I faced him, unsure. He drew me close and hugged me. I sighed, allowing myself to hold onto him. Use his strength when I felt weak, when I didn’t have it in me to even try.

The way he held me felt different than before. It was like he was afraid to let me go. Did hearing the memory I had recalled renew the fear of what could have happened? That it had been a miracle that I had survived what his sister hadn’t.

He released me to cradle my face gently, his eyes staring deep into mine. I wanted to stay in this moment, with him for as long as possible. There was no outside world where there was pain and evil.

His thumbs brushed against my skin and he lowered his mouth to brush against mine. My mouth clung to his, wanting the kiss to last.

He was breathing deeply as my heart galloped in my chest.

“This,” his voice was hoarse. “Is so addictive.”

I had never experienced this before so I had nothing to compare it to.

When I thought he was going to kiss me again, he sighed and dropped his hands from my face.

“You need sleep,” he said gruffly, he looked to the bed.

I did, but I needed his mouth on mine more. Kissing me, making me forget about everything else other than what hummed between us.

I allowed him to draw back the covers and I got into his bed. I lay facing him as he got in. He adjusted to hold me and I lay my head against his shoulder, tucked into his side. He was my safe place, in a world where I didn’t feel it.

His fingers traced gently against the skin of my arm. It was soothing. I listened to the steadiness of his heart as we lay in the darkness. This felt more intimate than when we had slept together, our bodies connected in the throes of passion.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, still feeling horrible for making him worry.

He was already carrying so much, I didn’t want to add to his burden. He lightened mine, I wanted to be able to do that for him but I had no idea how. My pain and grief had made me selfish. My own survival, superseding everything around me.

“Sometimes I’m afraid I will fuck things up so bad there will be no coming back from it.”

I looked to his side profile, watching him and his swallowed.

“What do you mean?” I asked softly.

“I want to catch him so bad...” He sighed, I placed my hand on his chest, feeling his warmth seep into my hand. “Like today, I thought you might remember something that might blow the whole case wide open. And that was what mattered.”

His eyes found mine. “If I had taken more than a second to think it through I would have realized it was too much too soon but at the time I couldn’t see it. I wanted you to remember everything so badly. But today I realized how selfish that is. Wanting you to relive it so I could try and catch the man who murdered my sister.”

I understood his reasoning, I didn’t blame him for it.

“Not once did I even consider how much it would affect you and I nearly pushed you over the edge.”

There was silence.

“I won’t risk you to get him,” he declared.

I closed my eyes feeling the warmth of his words spread through me like a warm fuzzing feeling.

I lifted myself up to kiss him. Feeling out of my depth I kissed him gently, needing the physical connection. His mouth moved against mine as he arms encircled me as I moved above him, kneeling on either side of me my hands supporting me as I deepened the kiss. For the first time I felt in control, knowing what I wanted.

There was no words, only silence as we kissed moving our bodies together.

“I want you,” I whispered, feeling nervous he might stop what was happening.

It didn’t take a shrink to figure out we were using physical closeness to deal with a difficult situation.

He moved above me and began to undress me in between our mouths fusing together in a deep long kiss. I inhaled a long breath as he moved off the bed to discard his clothes. He reached for protection and tore it open with his teeth.

A shiver of awareness ran through me as he got back into the bed. He settled between my legs and kissed me.

I wanted him but he held off as his fingers tweaked my nipples as he kissed me hard and I felt a pulse of need between my thighs. His mouth closed over a nipple and he sucked. I arched into him, allowing my body to react to his touch. He knew exactly what to do to make me come in a gasp within just a few moments.

As I rode out the orgasm he kissed me, smothering my sounds with the thrust of his tongue.

I held onto him as he finally joined us in one long movement, sheathing himself into me.

It only took a few powerful movements before he grunted and then shuddered into me as he came. I held onto him, feeling sated.

He kissed me on the forehead and I closed my eyes. He left to get rid of the protection before he rejoined me, pulling his arm around my waist so my back was to his front.

And I finally drifted off to sleep. Too tired to think about anything other than what it felt like to be with him.