I managed to have a shower and get dressed before I headed to the kitchen following the smell of the burgers Jack had made.

He was placing the plate on the table as I entered.

“I spoke to Beth, she’s going to be here in an hour.”

I stopped. Beth. The cop. The one he had slept with. All I could think of was what I heard the night she had spent the night. It was the last thing I wanted or needed.

He stopped. “You okay?”

I nodded. What was I going to say? I was jealous. I wasn’t ready to be that honest with him. It would make me seem needy and I was already struggling. Besides I had no claim on him. We had slept together more than once but we weren’t exclusive or in a relationship. Technically he could do what he wanted with whoever he wanted. I wanted to be one of those sophisticated girls who could handle that but the truth wasn’t. I felt the way I did about him and being intimate had only cemented those feelings into love.

He was my hero and I loved him. That was the truth. I was pretty sure I had always loved him.

“Hadley?”

“Um..yeah.” I nodded, trying to hide the torment inside.

“You need to eat,” he said pulling out the chair for me.

I wasn’t sure I was hungry but if I didn’t he would worry and I didn’t want that. I sat down and he took the seat across from me.

The feeling of jealousy burned in me, and I hated that I couldn’t stop it.

“Why… is Beth coming over?” I asked as I took reach for fry.

“She wants to go over what you remember. Maybe there is something that could be important. A lead.”

I stared at him as dropped the fry back to the plate. His sharp gaze didn’t miss it.

“I know this is the last thing you want to do but it’s important to go over the details while they are still fresh.”

He studied me and tried to reach for my hand but I pulled away. I was still too shaken to be appeased. The chair scrapped back I stood and he rose but I was already headed out of the kitchen to my room. Inside the room, I closed the door and leaned against it.

“Let me in,” Jack insisted on the other side but I didn’t move.

I inhaled sharply and counted. Everything felt like it was spinning. I didn’t want to go over the details. I wanted to run and hide from them, even if it wouldn’t erase them.

“I’m sorry Hadley.”

I closed my eyes, feeling the pain inside. It was his voice the despair reached me but I was angry. He had ambushed me without any prior warning. An hour. He could have told me he was going to speak to her and eased me into it.

“I know it’s scary and you…you’ve been through so much already but it’s important.”

Exhaling I counted to ten and then took another long breath trying to smother the anger, betrayal and jealousy I was wrestling with. I trembled inside, feeling it spread through me. It was that same feeling I needed to numb with drugs. I bit the inside of my cheek until I felt the pain and tasted the blood.

“There might be one small detail that you might not even think is important that could save lives.”

And there he had me. It wasn’t just about Alice. This was about saving others, others who were living normal lives like Alice and I had, before everything changed.

“Let me in.” His voice softer this time.

I didn’t want to but I opened the door. Crossing my arms trying to hold it together but I could feel that familiar fear take hold.

“I should have handled this better. I’m sorry.”

The look he gave me sped up my heart but I refused to forgive him so easily.

“I tell you I’m too scared to remember things and the first thing you do is set up an appointment with a cop to go over every detail.” The more I spoke the angrier I got.

“I know the importance of you remembering can have on a case law enforcement does not have a lot to go on.”

“So that’s all this is. What I can remember is more important than me being able to cope? Is that it?”

“No. That’s not what this is.” He shook his head. “Nothing is more important than getting you through this Hadley. Maybe I’m not handling this in the best way.” He pulled a hand through his hair.

It was then I saw how tired he looked, and I felt a momentary pang of guilt that I had been so quick to judge him.

He sighed. “I lost Alice and there was nothing I could do. It was the most helpless I’ve ever felt. I felt so much anger, despair, guilt. You name the emotion and I carry it. It’s with me every waking moment, and in my dreams. I live and breathe her death.”

I had carried my own baggage living one step back into the spiral he had saved me from. Terror lived in me every second of every day. One moment, one choice and I could be back in that flat drugged up and out of my mind.

“I don’t know how you survived that night but somehow you did.” His eyes filled with awe.

He had no idea the survivor’s guilt I struggled with.

“I can’t bring Alice back, no matter I do. Even catching the guy who killed her won’t bring her back.” There was so much sadness in his voice, it broke my heart.

I nodded, I understood.

“But here with you Hadley I feel like I can do for you what I couldn’t do for her and maybe that will help lessen guilt of not being able to save her.”

I frowned. “What happens if you can’t save me?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered huskily.

Our eyes held, across the distance and the past. It felt like our lives were tied together by the same experience, dependent on each other. Maybe our families had been right, it wasn’t healthy but right now it was keeping us both going.

“I told you I’m damaged.” He sighed, rolling his shoulders slightly. “A part of me died that day with Alice and I have to carry on with the pieces I have.”

His words choked me up because I felt that way too.

I was seeing him right down to his faults and my heart grew warmer. I walked up to him and put my arms around his waist. He didn’t embrace me, instead he stood still.

“We both are,” I whispered, tightening my hold on him.

I could hear his heartbeat against my ear and I closed my eyes. Then he hugged me.

“I’m trying my best Hadley. Trust at least that.”

I nodded. “I know.”

He smelled so good this close up, it was stirring thoughts of me and him together. Even in amongst the emotion I still wanted him. Self conscious I pulled away and hoping he couldn’t tell.

“You feeling better?” he asked softly.

“Like you said. Maybe there is something in those horrible memories that will be able to save someone from the same fate as Alice.”

“I’ll be there with you,” he assured me.

I nodded, knowing that it was still going to be difficult. Maybe he was right. Get it over and done with quickly while everything was still fresh in my mind.

“You need to eat,” he reminded me.

“I know.” I wasn’t really hungry but I had to try.

I followed him back to the kitchen where we retook our seats in silence. The food had cooled but it didn’t matter. I ate a few fries and I had a couple of bites of the burger but that was all I could manage. My appetite weak.

Jack kept a close eye on me and I was very aware of it.

It made me wondered if he was waiting for me to freak out again, or have an emotional outburst. I wanted to assure him I wouldn’t but even I didn’t have that much confidence in myself.