“The room with all the information about the…murders.”

Jack leaned back in the chair and studied me as I bit my lip trying not cry again.

“Something in that room jarred your memory,” he murmured.

I nodded. I had no idea what. There had been so much information. He stood and turned his back on me as I watched. He turned to face me as he rubbed his chin. I retracted my hands from the table to my lap, feeling vulnerable and exposed as he watched me.

He dragged both hands through his hair. “I want you to remember so badly.” There was despair in his voice, it reached that part of me still struggling through the terror of what I had endured and the grief that had reopened like a wound deep inside of me. Alice.

He dropped his arms to his sides and then looked to cupboard where he had put away the whiskey. “But I’m worried what it will do to you.”

There was a warmth in my chest at his words. I wanted to be able to tell him I would be okay but the truth was I really wasn’t sure I could do this. For so long my mind had protected me. Somehow it had known I could not handle it.

“I don’t know.” I began to tear up, feeling overwhelmed. “Once I remember there is no going back and I don’t even know if I can stop it now.”

I had no idea how much more I had suppressed. Was there a memory of the man who had done this to me? Was it somewhere hidden in between the horrific memories that would lead to him?

“Then we figure out a way to help you cope,” he murmured, deep in thought.

I studied him. “How?”

I wasn’t sure there was much that could be done to do that.

“First we get rid of any vices that are just going to make things worse.” He walked to the cupboard and opened it to get the bottle of whiskey out. He opened it as he went to the sink and poured it out.

I trembled. I hated feeling this way, I wanted to be fine, I wanted to be strong but the truth was I wasn’t. I was still that sixteen year old girl so traumatized that I hadn’t been able to face what I had been through. Being three years older had not strengthened me. I was just as scared as when it first happened, especially with the memories fresh in my mind.

“I might not have all the answers right now but I’ll figure out a way.”

I nodded. He had kept me from spiraling before, and he had been the one to drag me out of my drug filled rock bottom.

“We are in this together.” He walked over to me and bent down to level his gaze with mine, taking my hands into his.

“You left me once.” I couldn’t help but remind him he had left me before when I had needed him.

“That won’t happen again Hadley. I’m not going anywhere.” His features earnest.

I wanted to believe him but I had been here before. Words meant nothing, action was what counted.

Staring at our joined hands. “I’m scared Jack.” Tears gathered and I sniffled. “I’m afraid of what I will remember and that it will destroy me.”

He was already shaking his head. “I won’t let that happen.”

I wasn’t sure he could stop it, even if he wanted to. There was only so much I could take. The fear of what I had remembered and the fact the killer was out there somewhere already stalking his next victim was more than I could manage.

“I will figure a way to deal with this in a way that will keep you safe.”

There were some things that couldn’t be fixed, some things could never be forgotten and there were some things could haunt you for a lifetime. The things I had experienced were with me for life, they were so deep in me there was no forgetting them. There were times I had wondered how I had lasted the last three years. The only reason I had managed was because Jack had been there for me right after it happened and again to save me from myself when I had turned to drugs.

“I need to make some phone calls.”

I nodded.

He left me in the kitchen while I stayed in the kitchen nursing my lukewarm coffee as I listened to him talking in the living room on the phone. I stared into the coffee cup, wondering how I would ever be able to sleep again. Every time I closed my eyes all I could hear was Alice’s dying breath, it echoed in the room and right through me.

The blood. Her blood. I shook my head, trying to shake the images free. How was I supposed to be normal when I had these type of images fixated in my head.

I pushed the mug away from me, feeling restless and anxious. I stood and began to pace.

Jack appeared in the door way. “You okay?”

I nodded.

“You don’t have to pretend with me. If I’m going to try and help you, you need to be honest with me.”

I exhaled. “What do you want me to say Jack? I was there in the same room when my best friend was murdered. I don’t know who killed her or why we were taken but I can tell you what her last breath sounded like. Have you ever heard anyone die? It’s horrible, there is no other sound like it. I can also tell you what her blood felt like on my hands, what is smelled like.”

He grew quiet and I feared I had said too much. As much as I had been through he was also mourning the sister he had loved and had been unable to protect.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, fearing he would leave again like he had the last time.

“I wanted the truth and you gave it to me.” He swallowed.

I was talking about his baby sister.

“She was your sister. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” I released a shaky breath, realizing what little control I had.

“I can take it Hadley.” He walked over to me and embraced me. I lay head against his chest, sighing as his arms wrapped around me.

If only I could stay here where I felt safe. It was too much to put onto him when he was dealing with his own demons. He rested his chin on the top of my head.

“I can’t watch you twenty four hours every day. I need you to promise me that you won’t do anything irrational.”

I pulled away from him slightly to look up to him.

“What does that mean?” I asked, unsure of what exactly he was angling at.

He caressed my cheek with his one hand but didn’t immediately answer my question.

“I know how bad things can get. I experienced some of my darkest times after losing Alice and I never experienced the trauma you did. When you feel like you can’t cope, when everything is too much.” He paused as he was trying to find the right words to express his point. “Once you turned to drugs and that was before you remembered.”

I was transfixed as he spoke, staring deep into his eyes.

“I’m afraid of what you might do now if you feel like you can’t take anymore.”

I swallowed. “I don’t want to die Jack.” It was a heavy statement. “Even now.” My voice was shaky.

“Losing Alice broke me but I survived. I can’t lose you. Do you understand that?”

There was so much emotion between us. Death, grief, pain and something else I wasn’t sure I could name. It was went beyond the intimacy we had shared. It encompassed the years we had known each other, the same experienced that had altered our lives. Beyond friendship. Some people would call it codependency but this was about our survival. Both of us.

We needed each other to get through this. Alone we would falter but together we had a chance of surviving this and coming out on the other end of it.