The reprieve from my nightmare and memories were only temporary. Before the early morning light filtered into the room I was already awake. There was no more hiding away from what I had remembered. It was in every breath, every thought, every second suffocating me.

Eventually fearful I would wake Jack who was sleeping peacefully beside I slid from the bed collecting my clothes. I left the room as quietly as possible and headed to my room.

I felt so mentally spaced I could barely dress myself before I sat down on my bed, unable to do anything else.

There was only blood and death, nothing else. I was fearful that I would remember more and I would not be able to cope. I wasn’t sure I was even coping at the moment. It was like a tide wave of emotions I could barely breathe through. Suffocating me in grief.

I took a deep breath and held it counting to four before I released it but nothing was helping. Then the tears burned and I gulped trying to stop myself going into a complete melt down.

I brought my knees to my chest, my back against the headboard, trying to make myself as small as possible. It was too traumatic to think about, but it was seared in my subconscious like bloodied tattoo to skin. I could not black out the gasp that echoed in my memory or the last breath I heard before there was silence. It had been Alice’s last breath. I closed my eyes feeling the wave of pain but it did not dissipate. It smothered me.

Needing something to shut it off I got off the bed and headed out my room down the passage to the kitchen. I went straight to the alcohol I knew Jack kept in the cupboard. I reached for the bottle and opened it. Staring at it I gave tried to think of every reason not to take a sip and every reason why it would help. I had never been a heavy drinker, drugs had been my thing but I didn’t have any so I needed something else.

It was the echo of the dream replaying in my mind over and over again that finally pushed me to take a deep gulp. It burned all the way down my throat. I breathed through it. But it wasn’t enough. I took another large gulp determined to drink the pain away.

“Hadley.” Jack’s alarmed voice broke through my meltdown.

He stood in the doorway, half asleep dressed only in jeans, bare chested. I released the bottle as it stood on the counter, backing away like I been caught doing something very wrong.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked as he walked over to take the bottle from the counter.

He looked from me to the bottle. The alcohol I had consumed hadn’t been sufficient to help with the pain.

“It’s not even eight in the morning Had.”

There was no way to hide I was spiraling.

He closed the bottle and returned it to the cupboard before he turned to face me. I had already backed up a few feet, feeling panicked and agitated. Needing something to numb the pain. I couldn’t deal with it.

“What’s going on?” He had just woken up to me trying to down a bottle of whiskey.

I found it impossible to put into words what I didn’t even want to acknowledge myself for fear of what it would mean. I swallowed hard as he studied me.

He had beautiful eyes, it was easy to get lost in them but this time they were focussed with concern on me.

“This have something to do with last night,” he asked softly.

I remained silent, my chest hurt. I didn’t want to talk about it for fear it would feel more real.

“Do you regret what happened between us?” he ventured, crossing his arms.

I shook my head. It was the only thing that had given me a fleeting reprieve.

He frowned thoughtfully. “This about the nightmare?”

When I didn’t answer he moved closer.

“It’s just a dream Had,” he tried to assure me but I shook my head.

He touched my shoulder. I trembled.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” He leveled his eyes with mine.

I wanted to tell him so badly but I hesitated. What if he pushed me to remember more? I would not be able to cope. I bit my lip, wrestling with what to do.

“Hey, talk to me Hadley.” He reached out to touch my cheek softly.

I closed my eyes trying to hold onto the touch but a tear slid down my cheek.

“Hadley,” he murmured, brushing the tear from my face with his thumb. “Tell me.”

The dam broke, I didn’t have the strength to keep it bottle up inside anymore. No matter the consequences.

“I remembered.” I drew in a long emotional breath as I watched for his reaction.

This wasn’t just about me. He was the brother who had lost his baby sister.

The statement made him drop his hand from my face and he stepped back, staring at me cautiously. “You remembered?”

I nodded. “I remembered.”

My statement was followed by silence as he digested what it meant.

I exhaled, trying to rid myself of the building emotions. Another tear escaped and I wiped it away, not wanting to come apart.

“How much?”

I swallowed. “I remembered how I escaped and how you found me.”

“Who is he Hadley?” His voice hard.

My heart cracked. I shook my head. “I don’t know.” My voice hoarse.

It was reminder of his stake in all of this. He wanted revenge, he wanted the man who had murdered his sister.

“He isn’t in the memories. I can only remember Alice.”

I could see the visible reaction to the mention of his sister’s name. His body stiffened.

“What did you remember?”

I swallowed. “I think we were both in a dark room…I was tied up to something I couldn’t move.”

My memories were muddled as to how Alice and I had been taken.

“I heard her gasp…like she was trying to…breath…”

My throat burned. I had been with her, awake when she had died. It made me feel helpless and grief stricken that I had not been able to help her. It only added to the survivor’s guilt I was already carried.

“And then there was nothing.”

I pulled in a deep breath.

There was pain in his eyes, the same pain I remember when I first told him she was gone.

“I tried to get free to help her and when I finally did… I crawled over to where I thought she was.”

I paused, trying to put into words what I remembered but it wasn’t easy. The words didn’t give the full brutal experience of what I had gone through or witnessed.

“There was blood. So much blood.” I remembered the thickness and smell. It was like I was back in the darkness in that damp basement experiencing it all over again.

He closed his eyes briefly like he could feel the same pain I was experiencing.

“She was dead.” I put my hand to my mouth, I was overcome with emotion and pain. A sob that broke from me.

That seemed to knock Jack out of his trance and he pulled me into his arms and held me. He stood there for a while I cried. Holding me like he would never let me go again. He didn’t tell me everything would be okay because he knew as well as I did that it wouldn’t. We had lost a person who we had loved so deeply.

It was like trying to fill a bottomless hole in the middle of your chest. Nothing would fill the emptiness no matter how much we tried.

After a while he steered me to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair for me to sit.

In the heavy silence, he made some coffee and handed it to me.

I stared at the steaming cup, too emotional wrung out to even pretend I wasn’t wiped. We sat in silence, both lost in our own deep thoughts.

“It was the room,” I murmured staring at the coffee. Steam still escaping off the top.

“The room?” he asked, holding his mug in his one hand.