“You want me?” I asked, tentatively taken aback by his words.

Jack nodded slowly, like it was taking every in him to admit it to me.

“Is that why you’re so angry with me?” I was dumbfounded.

“I’m not good for you Hadley. You need someone who can love you completely. I know I’m not that person, I’m too damaged. This is a…mistake.”

How could it be a mistake when it felt so right?

“If you had told me you were a virgin I would have stopped anything from happening. It would have made things easier.”

Despite my innocence I did not believe that. What happened between us felt inevitable.

“We opened up pandora’s box and there is no closing it now.” His voice resigned.

It was such an ominous thing to say.

I bit my lip as I studied him, unsure of how to precede. I didn’t know how I felt about his honesty. Wanting me was one thing, angry because you did was a whole different thing.

“You’ve been so angry with me but really you’re mad with yourself, aren’t you? You don’t want to want me, but you do.”

He nodded slowly.

I didn’t have much experience when it came to men but this was crazy.

“Am I going to get the silent treatment every time we have sex?” It was a weird but necessary question.

“No, but when this blows up between us, I’m going to be the one to tell you I told you so.”

In living my life, day by day, I didn’t plan for the future. I lived in the now, in the moment and I wanted him uncaring of the repercussions. It was about feeling something other than pain, even it was only temporary.

“You promised me you wouldn’t let this ruin us.” It was a slight accusation.

“That’s was before when I thought I could control this.”

I saw him differently now. He wasn’t just Alice’s older brother. He was the man who made feel so much. He had done things to me that no one else had. I had touched heaven and I wanted more. I wet my lips nervously, unsure of how to handle this. There was no doubt I wanted him but did I want to risk everything we meant to each for it.

“So if I came on to you right now you would not stop me?” I asked softly.

He shook his head.

I studied him closely. I wanted him but could I do it knowing how torn he was over it. It was the guilt that stopped me from going any further and taking what I wanted.

“I can’t do something that I know you will regret Jack. No matter how much I want it. I care about you too much to just take what I want when I know how it makes you feel.”

He frowned, his eyes never leaving me. It was there in his eyes, the want but I knew what it would cost him.

I sighed, feeling torn between wanting him and doing the right thing. Before I hadn’t done the right thing. I had been selfish in my actions. Maybe I learned a lesson or maybe it was because I cared too much for him to put him into a situation he would regret.

I turned and walked away. This time I was doing the right thing, and it took all I had not to turn and go back to him. I wanted to kiss him, feel his hands on my body. To connect with him in a way we had before but instead I walked down the passage until I got to my room.

Doing the right thing sucked, especially when I knew what I missing. I had tasted him and I wanted him again.

I did whatever I could to keep my mind from him. But the only other thing that was on my mind was what I had remembered when I had been in the room with all that information about Alice and the other murders.

There was a gasp in the darkness followed by an agonized breath. I closed my eyes, feeling the emotion like a physical pain. It was followed by a rattled breath that echoed in the dark. And then there was silence. A deathly silence. No matter how many times it replayed in my mind, it was always the same.

I had remembered something. Something from that night that had been suppressed in my fear for the last three years. I had yet to say anything to Jack. Not even knowing how to deal with it myself, how could explain it to the brother who had lost his sister in such a horrific way.

It was Alice. There was no doubt about it. I knew it even if I didn’t want to acknowledge it out loud. In the dark room where we had both been held against our wills I had heard her die and I hadn’t been able to stop it.

I was agonizing over ever detail I could remember, but there was nothing that would reveal the murderer. If I revealed this memory to Jack he would push me to remember more and I didn’t want to. Just with the terrifying parts I could remember I had spiraled into a destructive path unable to pull myself out of it. What if remembering more would make it impossible to deal with it. And what did that mean for me.

Other than the brief experience with Jack there hadn’t been much to live for over the last three years. Jack made me want things I thought I never would. He made me want the normal things I had believe I would never have.

It wasn’t that I wanted more from him than he was prepared to give, it was about feeling and wanting. The things that normal people experience. They were things I hadn’t felt in so long.

I took a deep breath trying to ease the fear that came with the memory. Fear, scared. It had been terrifying. Worse than running scared for my life in the forest in the dark, frantically trying to outrun death. But the memory was so strong I was barely sleeping. I had not let on with Jack for fear he would push me further than I thought I would be able to handle.

But this wasn’t just about me. It was about the innocent girls he was murdering and law enforcement had no idea who it was. As far as I knew there were no viable suspects, no clues pointing them in a specific direction. Was I the only one that could bring him to justice? I didn’t want the responsibility of others when I could barely keep my head above the water. In all honesty the only reason I was clean and trying to manage was because of Jack.

I avoided Jack for the rest of the day, keeping to myself in my room. I wasn’t sure I could keep to my decision if I spent too much time around him. It was easier to do the right thing when I wasn’t faced with temptation. But that left me alone with my thoughts. Thoughts about Alice and the memory that replayed again and again in my mind.

It was consuming. In the daytime it was easier to manage but when the sun began to set it became more difficult to keep the fear at bay. I sat on my bed knees up my chest staring across my bedroom with the light on as the evening progressed.

Since I had started to remember the little sleep I was getting was restless. As much as I didn’t want to sleep physically I could not stop my eyelids from growing heavier. I had debated drinking a ton of caffeine but I didn’t want Jack to grow suspicious if I was making coffee so late at night so that left me on my own without anything to help me stay awake.

Besides the less I saw him the better at the moment for fear of the line I would cross with him.

I hummed in a whisper trying to keep my mind distracted but I felt my eyelids close even though I tried to keep them open. But that only lasted for a little while.

Eventually I fell asleep despite all my attempts to stay awake. And that’s when the nightmare started.