Jack was still mad. If fact I don’t think I had ever seen him this angry. I was the one responsible and on the receiving end.

It was a situation I was unsure of how to navigate. I didn’t want to feel guilty. I didn’t want anything to mar the beautiful experience we had shared but the longer he went ignoring me, the more difficult it was not to feel the guilt weigh on me making it impossible to hold onto the way I had felt afterward. It had felt like a touch of heaven. A breath of light in the most suffocating darkness.

He refused to even look at me. My heart ached.

This wasn’t something I could simply ignore and allow to blow over. I would have to find another way to fix what I had broken. I hated confrontation. It was the absolute last resort but after nearly two days of silence I could not take it any longer.

He was drinking a beer in the living room and his eyes met mine briefly as I entered. He was no longer my best friend’s brother, he was first lover. His glance in my direction stirred the butterflies in my stomach. I brushed my hands nervously on my jeans as I approached him.

“You’ve ignored me for two days. How much longer is this going to go on for?” I asked, trying my best not to falter, I had to get the bottom of it.

As much I hated confrontation but I could not stand the silence any longer. To be as close as two people and then have it followed by a wall of silence was difficult.

His eyes left mine and he set his beer down on the table, like he was making a pointed gesture not to acknowledge me.

I expected him to talk but he lent back down on the sofa refusing to even answer me.

“You’ve proved your point. I did something shitty and I’m sorry Jack.” I put my hands on my hips. I was trying my best to do what he wanted even when I found it difficult to pretend the most beautiful experience I had ever experienced was something to regret.

He reached for his drink and took a swig.

Inside I was spinning. I was losing the only person I trusted more than anyone, the one I felt safest with. This didn’t feel like just an argument. It went deeper than that.

“Do you need me to say I regret what happened?” I asked, my throat burning. “Is that it?”

He studied the label on the bottle, brushing his thumb thoughtfully against it.

I swallowed. A mixture of anger and hurt. My eyes burned.

“Is that what you need from me? Will that make things better between us?” My voice husky. I felt like I was losing control of the situation and I had no idea how to make things right.

The last time he had exited my life, I had spiraled. I could not guarantee it wouldn’t happen again. I wasn’t strong enough to keep myself from going back to bad habits to cope.

I had no one else to turn to.

He still refused to acknowledge me. It hurt, physically like a pain in my chest.

I couldn’t make him forgive me. I had tried everything. My eyes began to water when I realized that no matter I said I could not fix what I had broken between us. Admitting defeat I turned and walked out of the room, returning to my room where I closed the door and leaned against it. Feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what to do next. One thing I knew was I could not stay, not like this.

I didn’t care what lay out in the world, but I could not stomach another day of the silence.

Yeah, I had done an underhanded thing but I didn’t deserved to be punished like this. I looked around the room. There wasn’t anything I wanted to take with me. Everything I had reminded me of him and the last thing I wanted was anything that would make me think of him.

It would be too painful. I wiped the wet tears that escaped and sniffled. I took a deep breath. I had no where to go but I was already opening the door.

I headed down the hall into the living room, making a point of not even looking in his direction. Luckily it was daytime because I would not have been this brave had it been dark. I went straight to the front door and turned the top lock and opened the handle.

But that was as far as I got. I tried to the pull the door open but Jack’s hand pushed against the door cutting off my exit while wrapping his arm around my waist.

“Let me go,” I argued, still intent on leaving as I tried unsuccessfully to open the door.

He pulled me to against his chest and I released the door handle to struggle against him. His other arm closed around me.

“Let me go,” I told him, trying to get away but I could not make him budge. My chest heaved and stopped trying to get free.

I fought the emotion that bubbled to the surface. The tears broke from me and I found myself softy weeping. His arms didn’t budge and I sagged against him, feeling emotionally wrung out.

He lowered his head to rest his mouth against my ear. I could feel his breath.

“What do you want from me?” I asked, feeling frustrated.

I was trying to do the right thing by leaving and he had stopped me. The question was why.

I brushed my cheeks, hating how emotional I felt. “Let me go Jack.”

But he did the opposite. His arms tightened around me while he remained silent.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” I whispered, feeling torn.

I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

His lips touched my ear, sending a shiver down me. I frowned. Unsure of what to do I stilled.

He sighed before he pressed a slow kiss to my cheek. I could not understand his actions after everything he had said. I was beyond confused.

I turned my face to his and his mouth brushed mine. My eyes closed as I savored the soft touch. I didn’t want him to stop but I feared his reaction if I said anything so I remained quiet and opened my eyes just as his mouth covered mine.

I kissed him tentatively fearing he would back out if I moved too quickly. This whole push and pull thing was confusing but I wanted him.

When he touched me, everything else faded into the background. His tongue slid against mine and I mirrored his movement.

Then he released me to turn me to face him. His mouth covered mine and his hands cradled my face tipping my mouth up to his as he deepened the kiss.

My hands gripped his shirt.

He ended the kiss which left us staring at each other. I don’t know what to expect but I feared he was about stop what he had started. I was already bracing myself for it. His tongue traced his bottom lip, as if he was tasting me. I was transfixed.

I lifted my thumb to brush against his bottom lip and his tongue touched it. My breathing grew heavier while he sucked gently on my thumb. It was the most erotic thing I had ever experienced, feeling a heated ache between my thighs.

Then the reality of what we were doing finally sank and I dropped my hand but didn’t put distance between us like I knew I should.

“Jack.” I swallowed, unsure of what to say. The push and pull action was giving me whiplash.

He closed his eyes briefly and then he sighed deeply when he opened them.

“Why did you stop me?” I finally asked.

“The right thing would be to stop what is happening between us.”

“Why?” I mumbled.

“Because the only path it will lead to is heartache.” His eyes darker, his voice heavy.

“Then we don’t have to do anything. We can agree that what happened was a one time thing and leave it at that.” That was the most mature way to handle the situation.

“It’s not that simple.”

I frowned, more confused.

“Every time you’re near, I want to kiss your bare skin and hear you whisper my name. I want sink deep inside you and hear you cry my name.”

His eyes intense and unwavering as they held mine.

“And I want to do it over and over again.”