I had heard stories of how some girls had felt empowered by the experience of sex for the first time but I had never put much thought into it. After everything I had been through I never believed this would have been in my future. It’s probably the reason I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It had made me feel something more. A confidence I had never had before.

I closed my eyes and I could remember everything. The sound of heavy breathing, Jack’s body against mine. I swallowed hard, feeling stirrings of wanting him again. I was not proud of lying to him to get what I want even when I could argue all the reasons why I had done it.

The night before I had slept so peacefully. It was like the experience with Jack had superseded any dark thoughts lingering and that had helped me have a restful sleep.

I nursed a cup of coffee in the kitchen. I still had no seen Jack since I had walked out of his room. I stirred the hot liquid thoughtfully. Maybe I should regret what I did but I couldn’t. Not when it had meant so much to me.

I didn’t know how I was going to handle Jack. I sighed, hating that something so special between us had been marred by my deception. But the bigger question was why had he been so adverse to be becoming my first lover? I didn’t know how I was going to handle it and hated how anxious I felt waiting for him to enter the kitchen.

When I heard his bedroom door opened I sat up straight but refused to allow myself to look to the doorway. I pretended to be fixated on the hot steaming coffee. I set the spoon down before I lifted the cup to take a sip.

I heard his footsteps. Cautiously, I set the cup back down, keeping my hand on the handle. Needing to do something with my hands for fear he would see how nervous I was.

The footsteps stopped at the doorway and resisted the urge to look up. I wasn’t going to be the first one to look. My stomach fluttered. Flashes of the memories of us together made me feel warmer. And I could feel him staring at me.

“We need to talk.”

It was only then I lifted my eyes to meet his. My stomach dropped and my pulse quickened. He didn’t even have to touch me to get a reaction out of me only added to the complexity of what we were dealing with. It wasn’t something that could be ignored.

At least he wasn’t glaring at me, that was a step up from last night.

I lowered my lashes and took a nervous breath to turn to face him. To prepare for whatever he was going to say.

“Last night…” he started but then stopped, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “What I’m struggling to understand is how you were still a virgin.”

There was silence. I couldn’t quite believe he had asked me that question.

“Well. It’s usually happens when you’ve never had sex,” I explained sarcastically, then bit my lip.

He frowned. “You spent the last six months living with a drug dealer, high as a kite.”

I shrugged.

“How Hadley? How were you not sleeping with a guy you were sharing a place with?”

“I never got the chance before…” I swallowed, not wanting to talk about Alice. It brought to the surface too many emotions and I wanted a clear head to have this conversation. It was important. “Then after…I was too traumatized to let anyone close.” I sighed.

He was studying me quietly.

“I just find it hard to believe that a low life drug dealer wouldn’t at least try.”

“He did once. Let’s just say my response ensured he never tried again.”

“What happened?” He pushed me for more.

“I left bruises on him. Letting someone close since the whole kidnapping thing has been impossible.”

He frowned. “Then how did last night happen?”

There was a warm and fuzzy feeling in my chest. “I’ve always felt safe with you because I trust you.” I shrugged. “With every other man out there is a fear that takes over and I kinda freak out.”

It wasn’t something I was completely comfortable talking about but it had to said.

He rubbed his chin. “What I don’t get is why he would keep you around if you weren’t any use to him?”

He crossed his arms.

“I did other things. Shoplifting, stealing.” I didn’t like the things I had done, even if at the time I had justified them for my own survival. “It was a steady stream of income for drugs.”

He shook his head. “If last night hadn’t happened there is no way I would have believed any of this.”

I was trying to read his expression to gauge if he was still regretting what happened.

“So you slept with me because I’m the only guy that didn’t freak you out?”

It was a loaded but logical question.

I cleared my throat. “It wasn’t just that.”

He waited silently, as if sensing I would continue. His stare intense, reminding me of last night.

“I wanted it with you.”

“What does that mean?” He persisted.

“Do you really want to know Jack? You’re not into relationships so what’s the point of talking about things that go further than physical attraction.”

“Just answer the question Hadley.” His voice tight.

“I think I’ve always had some sort of crush on you. Not that I ever thought anything would ever happen…you know. You were older and you always had a steady stream of girls. You simply weren’t in my league.” Girls that had been beautiful. Even now, I didn’t feel I could measure up to his type. It was why I had believed there had been a part of him that had done it out of some sort of sympathy. “And you saved me Jack. When I was terrified and scared out of my mind. You were there.” I sighed. “I’ve always trusted you but that intensified it. It’s why I feel safe with you and why I feel the way I do.”

I wasn’t the type to be open about things like this. But I felt I needed to explain so I didn’t seem like the bitch I imagined he was thinking I was. To not mention I was a virgin seemed devious but perhaps with my explanation he would understand why I had done it.

He dropped his arms to his sides.

“If I had told you that I had never done it before you would have stopped. I knew it. Even if I didn’t completely understand why. Maybe I’m a terrible person for doing that to you and I’m sorry if you feel that way.” I was silent for a moment. “But truthfully I needed it. To experience something so…beautiful after everything I’ve been through. I finally feel something other than guilt and pain. How can I regret that?”

“Why do I feel like the asshole in this situation when you are the one who lied Hadley?” His tone brisk.

“I don’t get what the big deal is. I was a virgin. So what.”

He pulled a hand through his hair. “Sex for the first time is always emotional. Experienced women know the difference between good sex and love. I can’t do emotional entanglements.”

“I remember your speech about not being able to give anything more than sex Jack. I know what last night was, you don’t have to worry about that. I’m not rushing off to plan our wedding.”

“You should have told me Hadley.”

It seemed not amount of talking was going to change what happened or what he felt about it.

“I’m sorry Jack.” I stood slowly. “But I have to tell you that last night was something I will never forget. It was amazing.” I felt overcome with emotion. “I never knew it could be like that.” I was going to be adult about this, like the sophisticated girls he was used to. “I don’t want anything more from you, Jack. I knew this was a one time thing. No complications.”

He was still frowning, despite my declaration.

“I don’t understand why you are still so angry when I’m giving you exactly what you wanted. Unattached sex.” I mirrored his actions by crossing my arms. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

“You should have told me Hadley. You lied to me.” His eyes glittered with anger.

I felt worse than I did before.

He stalked out and left me standing alone feeling more guilty than I had before.