I lay staring up the at ceiling trying to catch my breath.

It had been earth shattering. My mind was numb, my body sated. It was addictive. Despite the tenderness between my legs I wanted to do it again already.

I could only feel his impression on me. On my skin, inside me. Like I would never be the same again, not after experiencing that. My mind was still trying to process that I had just had sex for the first time and it had been with Jack. I held the covers he had pulled over us to hide my nudity. Even when we had been as close as two people could get I still felt too vulnerable.

Beside me Jack lay, quiet. Lost in his own thoughts. I turned my head to him. My heart squeezed at the sight of him. What I felt for him before was insignificant to what I felt in that moment. My chest was bursting at the seams.

I watched as he slipped from the bed and went to discard the protection in the adjoining bathroom.

When he walked out he was frowning, he did not make eye contact as he pulled on his boxers. His arms crossed as he stood at the foot of the bed. It was only then he met my gaze. I swallowed, very aware of his masculinity.

“Did I…hurt you?”

It was his torn expression that made me sit up, pulling the covers up to hide my nakedness. Why on earth would he ask me a question like that?

“No, why? Why would you ask me something like that?” I brushed off his concern.

He had moved my world but I wasn’t ready to admit that to him. He knew he was good in bed, I didn’t need to stroke his ego.

“There was blood.” He rubbed his hands over his face. He was upset and it made me feel worse for hiding my experience.

Oh God.

I had always heard stories of there being some blood when you lost it but I never imagined it would be enough to be noticed.

Swallowing, I debated whether it was worth coming clean but that would entail admitting I had been deceptive.

“Was I too rough?” he asked moving closer to lift the covers so inspect the sheets.

There were was a small amount of blood, enough to show the remnants of my innocence. I just wanted the ground to open me up and swallow me whole. I didn’t have it in me to admit I had been selfish enough to not be open with him about my lack of experience, knowing he would put a stop to it if he had known.

I watched his expression turn from horror to anger unable to admit the truth.

His eyes rose to mine, his jaw hard set. “Why didn’t you tell me Hadley?”

He had figure it out. There was no hiding it anymore.

“I…” I had no words. I was an awful person that had done something solely for my own benefit.

“Fuck Hadley. Why would you keep that from me?” He ran a hand through his hair and turned to pace.

I hated that I had lied but faced with the same situation, I would do it again. He had given me something that I needed so badly. It hadn’t just been the physical experience, it was about me having a ‘normal’ experience. Something most women would experience, I had not ever imagined I would ever be able to have.

It was me taking back what had been taken from me. When Alice had died, a part of me had died with her. I would never be the same girl again, I had lost of my identity in the grief and pain that had followed. Drugs had numbed the pain, nothing else had mattered.

For the first time since, something else had mattered. For some it wouldn’t have just been a brief physical gratification but for me, it was a sign that I wasn’t completely messed up. And it gave me a slither of hope.

My life would never be normal but just for a short time I hadn’t thought about anything other than what was happening between us. It had shut off the noise in my head, and all the guilt and pain. It had been a momentary reprieve.

“Jack.”

He stopped to face me, his hands on his hips. He shook his head at me.

“If I told you, you would have stopped.” It was a hard statement to express. I didn’t need him to answer, I already knew that he would have pushed me away and not taken things any further. It would have crushed the little confidence I had gained. I wouldn’t have experienced such an earth shattering event. I did not regret my deception, I hated his feelings were collateral damage.

“So instead, you said nothing and allowed me to believe you had done it before.” He turned his back on me. “You were inexperienced but never for a second did it occur to me that you were a virgin.”

He faced me again with a glare. He was so angry with me but he had never looked more handsome and fierce. My heart stuttered at the sight and I had to remember to breathe.

I faltered beneath his accusation. “I didn’t want you to stop.” I released a deep breath. “I know you’re looking at me thinking how selfish I am. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m a terrible person for it.” I paused for a moment to feel the anger radiating off him. “But I did it for me. I needed this.”

My body was still humming, it was addictive.

He crossed his arms, he jaw tense.

“I’m the girl who survived a terrible ordeal. Everyone looks at me and that’s all they see. They see the broken girl who survived when her best friend didn’t. Even you Jack, you look at me the same way. For once I wanted someone to look at me like you did when you took me to bed. Like a man looks at woman.” Inside I trembled, filled with emotion. So many feelings that it was difficult not to allow them to tear me between the highs and lows. “I didn’t feel damaged when you were kissing me, I didn’t feel broken when you showed me what it could be like.” I paused, overcome with emotion. I swallowed hard.

He lifted an eyebrow slightly, his anger wavering.

“Be angry if that’s what you need but I needed this Jack and I won’t apologize for it.” I swallowed the emotion of thinking back to how it had affected me.

I slipped from the bed feeling his gaze as I picked up my clothes and began to pull them on.

When I reached the door of his bedroom I looked over my shoulder at him. He was still standing in the same spot regarding me with a look I couldn’t decipher.

“I won’t regret it Jack.”

I gave him one last long gaze, refusing to allow anything mar what I was feeling. I left him in the room, closing the door behind me as I headed to my room.

In the shower I closed my eyes and allowed myself to remember how he had taken me to new heights. The warmth of the water surrounded as I lifted my face toward the spray of water, remembering how he had thrust into me. I wanted to hold onto it and remember every aspect of it. To keep everything else at bay.

But with each passing moment, the memory began to dissipate and my thoughts inevitably moved back reluctantly to Alice.

All I could concentrate on was the moment in my dream when I had heard that last desperate rattle of a breath before silence had echoed in its place. I tried to shove the dream from my mind, not wanting to think about that at all but no matter how much I tried I could not shake it.

It was important. It wasn’t just a dream, it felt like more. More real. Like a memory. Something I had remembered.

The only explanation was something in that room I had stumbled into had jarred my forgotten memories. I feared what else I would remember.

There was a reason I had blanked things out. It had been too traumatic to remember.

I had just got clean, I was no where near ready to remember any of it. I wasn’t sure I ever would be.