Adonis

My hand reached out to find her but the space was empty. The sheets were cold. Laying on my stomach I opened my eyes to confirm that she was gone.

I rolled onto my back and gazed up trying to figure out if what I had let happen was going to do more harm than good. She had just recently found out that there had been 'us'. Even though I knew it was probably too much too soon I hadn't been able to stop it. It was like watching an accident about to happen and being helpless to stop it. It had been inevitable.

I squeezed my eyes closed for a moment wanting to savor every touch we had shared before I allowed it to be tarnished by her reaction this morning. And going by the fact that I was waking up alone, it wasn't looking good.

Opening my eyes again I let out a deep sigh before I sat up. I got up and found my boxers on the carpet. There was no use putting it off. I would have to face the consequence of my actions, even if they had been the most precious I'd had since she'd come out surgery.

I noticed only my clothes remained on my bedroom floor. When she'd left she'd taken her clothes with her.

The dread tightened my chest before I left my room in search of her. The house was quiet. I stopped outside her bedroom door was open but there was no sign of her. I passed by the kitchen but there was no activity there either. In the doorway of the living room I stopped. There she sat in silence her back to me.

I hesitated for a moment, building myself up the the worse case scenario that had already played through my mind.

"Harp," I said before I stepped into the room and she turned to face me. Her expression was reserved and it was hard to read what was going on in her head.

She gave me a weak smile but if it was meant to ease my worry it didn't. It made me feel more anxious about what was to come.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I dropped into the seat beside her on the sofa. I was still holding onto the hope that I was wrong and the night before was going to bring us closer. The need to touch her and reassure myself that everything was going to be okay despite my rising dread was nearly impossible to resist but somehow I did.

She shrugged dropping her gaze to her hands in her lap. Another bad sign. She couldn't even look me in the eyes. It was the same as having a one night stand you regretted. That's what her actions reminded me of.

"Don't shut me out," I asked softly, wanting her to open up to me. I had to believe I had a fighting chance. At least if I knew what was wrong there was a small chance I could fix it. But if it was because of her lost memories this would be unfixable. No matter how badly I wanted her to remember I couldn't bring back her memories of us.

Sighing she looked to me. There was a vulnerability in her eyes that made the protectiveness in me rise up in response. She bit her bottom lips as our eyes held and tried to figure out what she was going to say to let me down. There was no doubt, she regretted what had happened and that made me feel like the biggest asshole alive.

Feeling the pain in my chest spread and wrap around my lungs, making it difficult to breathe.

"I'm sorry," she said hoarsely when she saw me close off from her. It was a defence mechanism.

Her eyes glistened with tears as they searched mine. It hit me like a brick to the chest. I wanted to tell her it was okay but it wasn't. Struggling to contain my anger and guilt that felt like it suffocating me from the inside, I stood abruptly.

"Don't," she said grabbing my wrist, her eyes pleading with mine. But I didn't have it in it me to soothe her when I felt like she had physically grabbed my heart and ripped it to pieces.

"I can't," I told her pulling free before I left the room.

One thought after the other raced through my mind as I hurried back to my room with the intent of getting some clothes on so I could escape. I had to get out of my house, it was my only goal.

Inside my wardrobe I grabbed the closest pair of jeans and pulled them on. I didn't even register which shirt I grabbed before shoving my feet into my sneakers. I stayed only long enough to grab my keys before I headed for my escape route via the front door.

I didn't want to see her. It hurt too much, I needed to get out before I saw her again. But she was standing in the doorway of the living room on my left hand side watching me as I walked past.

"Where are you going?" she asked anxiously but I couldn't answer her. Emotion constricted my throat and I opened the front door and without a backward glance I left, slamming the door behind me.

When I drove out of the property, I had no clear destination just the need to get as far away as possible. Trying to stop myself from concentrating on the chaos inside instead of the road ahead I selected a CD and played it as loud as I could to drown out my thoughts. I didn't want to think.

It didn't surprise me after driving around for half an hour I found myself outside Aiden's house. I parked the car and switched it off. For most of my life I'd confided in Alex with every problem I had dealt with but this was different. Out of everyone Aiden understood what it felt like to be forgotten. Seeing Aiden's car in the driveway I got out of my car and walked to the front door.

I knocked and waited for someone to answer. Feeling anxious I shifted from one foot to the other.

"Hey man," Aiden greeted when he opened the door. I nodded.

"Come in," he said sounding surprised to see me standing on his doorstep.

I followed him and looked around seeing no one else.

"Everyone is out," Aiden said. "You're lucky I didn't have a class this morning."

I felt anything but lucky.

"What's up?" he asked seeing my obvious agitation.

"I messed up," I sighed rubbing my hands over my face.

He looked at me with concern.

"What did you do?" he asked.

I wasn't one to talk about my private life, especially details of my sex life but I needed someone to talk to about this or I was going to lose my mind. It was bad enough I had just left Lacey without telling her where I was going. I didn't want to hurt her but I couldn't pretend everything was fine.

"I..." I paused letting out a heavy sigh. "Slept with Lacey."

He considered my revelation.

"How did that happen?" he asked.

I rubbed my forehead as I tried to recall how we'd gotten into the situation where there had only been one outcome.

"It's complicated. She wanted me to kiss her. I couldn't stop and she wanted more," I said, feeling more like the asshole that should have done the right thing and gently let her down. It wasn't like one night together was going to fix gap that separated us and I'd gone through with it anyway.

"What happened?" he asked crossing his arms.

I began to pace as I tried to figure out the right words to describe the mess I was in.

"Our night together was great...it was like I had her again. The Lacey who remembered she loved me."

I closed my eyes for a moment reliving the brief euphoria of happiness I'd felt at our connection.

"But," I said opening my eyes. "When I woke up this morning she was gone. I should have known better. It was too much too soon."

He shook his head at me.

"You can't blame yourself," he told me putting a hand on my shoulder. His features serious.

I wanted to believe him but I didn't. I felt like I'd failed her and nothing anyone said was going to make me feel differently.

**********

Lacey

He'd been gone for hours and I felt awful. I spent most of the time on my own lying on my bed contemplating why I couldn't feel differently. I loved him and he loved me. It should be enough. But the emptiness inside of me wouldn't allow us to move forward.

My eyes stung as I remembered how much I had hurt him. Feeling more guilty and angry with myself I brushed the tears away aggressively. After hurting him so much I felt like I had no right to cry or to be upset. Why couldn't I just shut out the hole inside of me? Then I could have carried on like everything was fine. We could have been happy.

Letting out an emotional sigh I sat up.

Needing to keep myself busy so I didn't drive myself crazy with my thoughts I got up and had a shower. Images of Adonis and I together flashed in my mind and I leaned my head against the cool tiles as water cascaded down me. All I could think about was our night together. My stomach fluttered in response. I wanted to hold onto that feeling so badly.

I had no idea where he was or when he would return. I had called Alex to ask if he had seen him but he hadn't. What if I had done so much damage that he decided I wasn't worth the trouble anymore. Despite my initial resistance I needed his help to try and put myself back together again. I had no idea how to do it on my own.

Rubbing my forehead I tried to figure out how to right this with him. But there wasn't anything to ease the rejection. I hated myself for hurting him. Why couldn't I just love him the way he should be loved? I did love him, there was no doubt about that but the memories about our time together tarnished it. He deserved better than that.

One hour passed into another and most of the day went by with me wondering if he was ever going to come back. It was getting late by the time I heard the door open. I was sitting in the lounge with the TV on although I was too wired up to concentrate on anything.

I was unsure of whether to stay where I was and give him space so I sat quietly holding my breath as I anxiously listened to his foot steps. They stopped outside the living room and I turned to face him. He was standing in the doorway with his hands shoved into the front pockets of his jeans. I held my breath. My fingers dug into the seat.

"We need to talk," he said in an ominous tone. His eyes held mine and I felt a shortness of breath. He had always had that effect on me. I had a feeling that this talk wasn't going to be easy.

Unable to reply I nodded my head. I clutched my hands together to stop them from shaking. He looked defeated and I felt terrible for being the cause of it.

He walked over and sat beside me on the sofa. He didn't look at me instead his eyes fixed on the TV in front of us. He reached for the control of the TV and switched if off. A heavy silence engulfed the room. Then he shifted to face me. I looked nervously into his features wondering what he was going to say. He was still upset and there was a sadness in the depths of his eyes that he couldn't hide from me.

His gaze dropped to my hands and he took one of my hands into his. The warmth of skin covered mine.

"I care about you," he began to say and he stopped. He swallowed and I watched unsure of what to say.

"It's more. I love you," he continued and I felt my stomach summersault at his declaration. "You mean everything to me. When we finally discovered how we felt about each other I was so happy."

He paused. I nodded my head even though I didn't remember.

"Then we discovered you had a tumor," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion and I gripped his hand tightly not liking the pain in his voice. "All I wanted was for you to have the surgery as soon as possible so you had a better chance of surviving it."

He shook his head.

"But you refused. It was hard to stand by and watch you put off the surgery because you needed time. It was like I was watching you die slowly with no way to help you."

Emotion clogged my throat. I didn't remember any of it but the emotion in his voice and the look in his eyes as they held mine was enough for tears to sting.

"And then you collapsed and you were rushed to hospital. It scared me and I promised I'd never leave you."

Unable to look at me anymore his eyes dropped to his hand which still held mine.

"You have no idea what it has been like since you woke up with no memories of me or what we meant to each other," he said. He was right, I didn't. But he had no idea what it felt like to wake up and remember nothing of the most important time in my life. He had no idea what it felt like to have a piece missing and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get it back.

"I followed the advice of the surgeon. He said we shouldn't push you to remember. He said give it time and you would remember on your own. But that never happened."

He stilled before he lifted his gaze to mine.

"It was hell trying to carry on like nothing happened, like you were nothing more than my best friend's little sister but I did it for you. No matter how hard I found it somedays I pushed through it."

It was the first time I'd had a peak into his life without me and it made a tear slide down my face.

"Don't cry," he whispered.

I swallowed my emotion as I bushed the offending tear from my cheek.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked softly not sure I wanted to hear the answer because I was pretty sure I wasn't going to like the answer.

He bent his head down for a few moments and let out a deep breath.

"I need you to understand," he said quietly under his breath before he lifted his head. "Why I can't do this anymore?"

It was like something heavy gripped my heart and it sunk to my feet. The breath from my lungs was knocked right out of me while I tried to understand what he meant.

"I've never loved anyone like I love you, but I can't put myself through this anymore," he explained.

I dropped my gaze and pulled my hand from his unable to bare his touch when it felt like my heart was cracking.

"It's like I can't move forward and I can't go backward. I'm stuck exactly where I was before you went for surgery."

My mind was still reeling from what he was saying.

"I thought I was strong enough to do this until you could find your way back to me."

My eyes shot to his. I wanted that more than anything. My eyes silently pleaded with his but he shook his head. His mind was made up and nothing I said was going to change it.

"Even though you couldn't remember us I thought there was a chance we could still be together."

He paused.

"But I realise that no matter how badly I want you, you're never going to remember us and after last night I realised we can't be together without them."

His words hurt but they were the truth. I couldn't be with him without my memories because I was lost without them.

"I'm sorry," he said looking at me but I couldn't meet his gaze.

"I understand," I managed to say.

"I'll still do everything I promised to help you. I'll pay for the shrink and you'll still go on tour with me. I want you to be whole again."

I nodded my head still trying to keeping my emotions from breaking free. I didn't want to break down in front of him. I had put him through enough.