Adonis

I had fucked up. There was no doubt about it.

Sleep hadn't come easy. Squeezing my eyes tight I sat up in my bed. There was no point in trying to get any more sleep. With my conscience constantly in my forethoughts I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep.

But when a image of Lacey heartbroken standing in front of me last night flashed in my mind I opened my eyes. Unable to bear it. It was instinctive in me to protect her so being the person who'd hurt her was difficult to face up to.

I only had myself to blame. I hadn't been strong enough. My hand touched my bare chest. Then I remembered I didn't have it anymore. It was Lacey's, it had always been. Rubbing my hands over my face I let out a frustrated breath.

If I could I would have blown off today I would have but my bandmates were counting on me, and the thousands of fans who'd bought tickets to our concert for the next day. Besides Lacey needed some space.

And I needed to figure out once and for all what I wanted. I couldn't keep going back and forth. I had to make a decision and stick with it.

It wasn't as simple as loving someone because I did. I loved her so much. The question was whether I could be strong enough for her and so far I'd failed her. I hadn't had the strength. I either had to find it or let her go. I didn't have the time to mop around and try to figure things out. Unfortunately it would have to wait.

When I entered the living room after getting ready I was taken aback when I saw Sam about to usher Lacey out of the room. At my arrival they stopped.

"Sam is taking me sight seeing," she explained and I looked to him before nodding.

I wished I had organized a female instead. Lacey would definitely question if I replaced Sam with a female. She didn't trust me much at the moment and doing that would only make things worse.

When she headed to the door I gave Sam a guarded look before he followed her out of the hotel suite.

For a while I stood staring at the closed door with my hands tightened in fists at my sides. Pushing my personal pain I went ahead with the rehearsals for our concert that was scheduled for the next day.

"What the fuck is the matter with you man?" Sage asked, frustration setting into his voice when I missed another note on my guitar.

"Sorry," I mumbled trying to concentrate on my fingers on my guitar.

My mind wasn't present, it was cycling through all my moments with Lacey. Our first kiss. Our first time together. I missed another note.

This time Link glared at me as we started the song again.

Concentrate. I told myself. Just get through rehearsals and you will have time to figure out what you're going to do next.

The next few hours felt like days but I got through them. Excitement and nervous I returned to the hotel.

When I entered and discovered I was alone I felt disappointed. It was still early evening but I'd expected Lacey to be back already. I could call Sam and find out where they were but that just felt a little stalkerish so I sat down on the sofa and switched the TV on.

Thirty minutes later I was still flipping through the channels, nothing could hold my attention.

What are they doing? I thought. Images of the two of them locked in a kiss made me switch the TV off and start pacing the length of the room.

The wait was punishing. The longer they took the more wild images that my mind created to heat my anger so by the time I heard the sound of giggling and the door open I was fuming.

Lacey's face stilled and her laughter stopped the moment her eyes found mine. Sam followed in behind her carrying a shopping bag. She stopped so suddenly that Sam nearly walked right into the back of her.

"Hi," she greeted breathlessly.

To angry to respond I nodded my head. My eyes, fierce, went to Sam. He gave me a reproachful stare.

"Sorry we're a late," Lacey explained as she walked closer. Sam stayed by the door. Good because if he came any closer I didn't know what I was capable of.

My jealously wasn't justified in anyway but it did nothing to calm the storm in me.

"We got carried away," she added.

I clenched my jaw trying not to lose my cool. I was holding on by a thread. She looked to Sam as he put her bags beside the sofa.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he told her before he gave me a curt nod and left.

When Lacey looked at me she frowned.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Were you having fun with Sam?" I asked tersely.

She gave me a slightly puzzled look.

"Yes, I did. He knows the city well and I even managed to get a little shopping in."

I was as tight as a bow ready to snap at any second.

"What's with you?" she asked, her hands going to her hips. Clearly I wasn't as good at hiding my anger as I thought I was. "You're the one who organized him to take me around, remember?"

That piece of information was inconsequential. The only thing that mattered was the molten anger burning in my veins.

"I even got you something," she said and bent down to search in one of the bags.

When she handed me a packet of my favorite chocolate cookies, I was winded. My anger fizzled and I was left with the the physical evidence that sometime during her day she'd thought about me and that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

"Thank you," I got out to her as I held the cookies like they were still a life line to her and to us.

"When I saw them I couldn't help myself," she said with a smile that lit me up.

The realization hit me square in the chest, straight to my heart.

Whether I wanted it or not she still had the power to lift me up to the heights of ecstasy. But she has had the power to bring me down to the depths of my own living hell. She was the only who could tilt my world with one action. Despite everything she'd put me through I still loved her and I had tried to let her go but I wasn't strong enough. I needed her.

"I'm just going to unpack this stuff," she said before she took the bags and disappeared into her room.
I was left stunned, slightly open mouthed, still holding the packet of biscuits.

I loved her but could I be strong enough to endure whatever she needed me to? Brushing my eyebrow I tried to think back to before when she'd refused surgery. It had been agony watching her knowing that without the surgery she was getting closer to death with every second.

Exhaling I thought back to the past few months when she'd been oblivious to me and my feelings for her. And when I thought there was a way to make it back to each other without her memories, our night together had pulled the rug from underneath my feet.

Closing my eyes I lifted my face to the ceiling. I loved her.

But was it enough? Looking down to the sign that even without our memories I was still a part of her thoughts. Even after all she'd said last night, how upset she'd been. I still counted.
I could do this. I wanted her, I wanted her all.

Not being with her wasn't the easier option. Watching her with someone else would be impossible to bear.

Seeing her with Sam had given me a taste of what it could be like and I didn't like it one bit.
She was mine and I wasn't giving her up.

Not all love is meant to last. Fuck that! Ours was. It wasn't over and we were far from done.

**********

Lacey

I wasn't going to allow Adonis' behavior to put a dampen on my day. Despite my emotional state it had been a good day of seeing the city. Sam knew his stuff. And the few times I had quietened down, to wrapped up in my thoughts, he'd made me laugh or smile.

I packed away the few items I had bought today. Despite Adonis' insistence to pay for everything I had insisted on at least paying for my own shopping.

When I returned to the living room he didn't seem to be agitated any longer. Instead he was sitting in front of the TV with his feet up on the small table in front of the sofa stuff his mouth with the biscuits. I smiled secretly to myself as I got a chance to study him before he noticed me. It felt like old times before everything got complicated.

When he noticed me standing beside the sofa he smiled, his cheeks still stuffed with biscuits as he ate. I shook my head as I sat down beside him. Unsurprising he'd already managed to get through half the packet.

"I want you to come to the concert tomorrow," he said giving me a side glance.

Despite being a part of his life I'd never attended one of his concerts. I'd always watched them on TV.

"Really?" I asked, my face lit up at the thought.

He nodded. "If you want to?"

I looked at him like he was crazy.

"Of course I do," I said, feeling my excitement bubble over. He smiled at my obvious enthusiasm.

"It might not be that exciting from backstage," he told me.

"I don't care."

There was nothing he could say that was going to stop me from feeling happy that I was finally going to get a chance to see him live on stage.

"Did you remember anything else today?" he asked out of the blue.

I shook my head. The fact that I hadn't made me feel disappointed but I didn't want to dwell on it.

"Do you want me to set up an appointment with the shrink for you?"
I frowned. It was probably something I should do to but between the sight seeing I hadn't gotten a chance.

"I'll try and schedule something with her tomorrow," I replied noncommittally.

I wasn't sure I still needed to see her. I had managed to stop my downward spiral, maybe it was because each day something from my forgotten memories returned. Hopefully it was just a matter of time before I remembered everything.

****************

Standing backstage was surreal. The flurry of activity was exciting. Today I had skipped sightseeing, too excited to concentrate on that when all I could think about was concert.

Adonis had left well before Sam knocked on my door and escorted me to the concert.

There was a buzz in the air as ticket holders lined up to get into the venue. I was lucky enough to be given the VIP treatment so I went straight through. I didn't see Adonis because they were doing last minute setup changes.

As they took to the stage the crowd began to scream. My eyes were fastened on Adonis and my heart swelled as I took him in. The screaming increased. It was a little frightening. I let my eyes run across the crowd of fans. In my mind I knew they were famous but seeing thousands of girls screaming their names made it more real.

The music played. It flowed through me evoking all the times I had secretly listened to his voice singing words of love. So many times I had imagined he'd realize he cared for me more than just the annoying little sister of his best friend.

It had been a daydream, wishful thinking which had materialized into reality. But in real life it had been so different. Love hadn't been enough. It hadn't been enough for us to survive the emotional stress of my surgery and my subsequent memory lost.

I watched hypnotized Adonis took a seat while playing his guitar. Closing my eyes I allowed myself to feel my love for him. Tomorrow I would start to move forward with my life. It was time to stop living in limbo hoping I would regain my memory. It might never happen and then I would have wasted time I could have spent experiencing all life had to offer.

Adonis' voice lifted my heart as he sang of love. My heart inflated with a deeper emotion and I was spellbound. Every small action he made held me captivated. I couldn't look away if I tried.

I wanted to mourn what I couldn't remember but I how could I if I'd never experienced it.

A cold shiver vibrated through me and the hairs on my arms stood up. Clasping my arms around my waist I continued to listen.

By the time he ended the song I was feeling more emotional. The crowd screamed and my heart fluttered when Adonis stood up and gave them a wide dimpled smile.

Letting go of his guitar so it hung around his neck by the harness he took the mic from the stand. Before he said a word he turned his head to where I stood just out of sight from the crowd. Our eyes connected briefly before he turned his attention back to the crowd.

“If you have someone special in your life.” The crowd began to scream. “Let them know. Don’t let anything stand in your way. Love isn’t always easy, there might be obstacles but don’t give up. Having someone you love in your life will make it extraordinary.”

My fingers went to my mouth as I gasped. Extraordinary.

I remembered that word.

My hand dropped and I murmured the word out aloud.

"Extraordinary."

I could hear Adonis still talking in the background but was I was too fixated on the strangeness I was experiencing to concentrate on what he was saying.

"Are you okay?" A voice beside me asked.

It was Sam.

"I..."

I wanted to say I was fine but words failed me.

Extraordinary. The feelings attached to that word were overwhelmingly, like a whirl of water surrounding me blocking in the world outside. My heart sped up and it was beating to loudly I could hear it thumping in my ears.

A hand touched my arm and I looked at the face of a concerned Sam. His mouth was moving but I heard nothing.

"Loving you has been the best thing that I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it away for anything. Who wants normal? The moment I fell for you my life became extraordinary," Adonis argued softly.

Feeling dizzy and overwhelmed I touched my hand to my temple. The memory was familiar but still felt out of place.

“I know the risks of delaying but I need time.” My eyes met his.  

“But you could have the surgery now. You could survive it and have a full long life,” he argued. He didn’t get it and no matter what I said, he wouldn’t understand my decision.

I bit my lip; I wasn’t an optimist by nature.

“Or I could die,” I stated. He let out a heavy sigh and looked out the window. I watched him for a few moments. He seemed to stare, but not seeing what was in front of him.

“You’re tearing me apart,” he whispered hoarsely.

"Gray?" I asked, panicked at what was happening.

My legs buckled beneath me but I didn't fall.

"I'm here."

It was Adonis. His concerned eyes on me. My hands bunched his shirt needing him to stop me from falling. My eyes widened in alarm.

“I don’t want to upset you further, but I need to know what the specialist said.” 

I closed my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath as he pulled away a little. When I opened them, I took a deep breath, trying to build the courage to tell him.

“It’s a brain tumor.”

And there is it was. Out in the world, no longer my secret. For a moment I saw my fears reflected in the depths of his eyes; loss and death.

"Someone call an ambulance," Adonis yelled.

One after the other hit me, overwhelming me.

“You’re in or you are out,” she said. “You don’t get to break up with her and then get all territorial like some cave dweller.”

I watched his face for any sign of what he was thinking, but he kept his feelings hidden under an indifferent expression.

“You can’t do both. Pick one and stick with it,” she added. She gave me a look before she faced him again. “You don’t get to walk away and then pretend she is still yours.”

Fearing he'd leave me I tightened my hold on his shirt.

"Don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere." Adonis said softly. "I'm here with you."