Reece

I couldn’t pull my hand free. I continued to stare into his eyes feeling drawn to him in a way I could no longer deny.

“Reece.” My name from his lips pulled me back to reality and I looked down to my hand still against his chest.

“I…don’t…” I pulled my hand free. The panic I had managed to subdue until then began to bubble to the surface and I tried to breath but the air locked in my lungs.

Gently, Aiden took me by the arms and leveled his gaze with mine. “Take a breath.” His voice was calm and fixed on it trying to fight my way through the grip my emotions.

I took a shaky breath intent on doing as he told me.

“There you go,” he said gently and I exhaled slowly all the time holding his gaze.

“You’re good,” he murmured and nodded taking another deep breath before releasing it.

His hand on my arms pulled me closer and he hugged me. “You’re good.” I wasn’t sure if he murmured to me to him or himself. I should have pulled away but I didn’t. In that moment I needed him and I couldn’t refute that, not to myself or anyone else.

After about a minute he released me to study me. “You ready?”

I looked to the doorway and nodded. It was now or never. Don’t cry. I told myself. No matter what happens don’t let Lacey see me upset.

The sight of Lacey looking pale and vulnerable in the hospital bed when I entered hit me in the chest like a sledgehammer and I made a point of putting a smile on my face while I tried to ride out the impact.

Aiden followed me in.

I rushed to her and hugged her. All the emotion I’d been trying to keep at bay bubbled over and there was no stopping it. My eyes began to water and tears slid down my face. I hugged her tight like I didn’t want to let her go. It was the fear of the future and what was going to unfold. Nothing was within my control and I had never felt so helpless than I did that at that moment. I was vaguely aware of Aiden on the other side of the bed beside Lacey watching us but I couldn’t look at him.

I let her go to wipe my tears, hating that I hadn’t been strong enough not to cry. This wasn’t helping her at all.

“It’s okay.” Lacey said with a smile I knew wasn’t genuine. I knew her well, and I wasn’t buying it. I could see the fear in her eyes.

I did the only thing I felt I could, I hugged her again and murmured. “I love you.”

My heart broke. I didn’t want to write her off but I had to be realistic. There was a chance she wasn’t going to make it and I needed her to know how much she meant to me.

“I love you too,” she said gently. I closed my eyes briefly, feeling another wave of emotion.

I released her.

“You really know how to do this the dramatic way. You had to get the ambulance involved,” Aiden said teasingly.

His comment made Lacey smile. He had a way of turning an emotional situation around with the a comment. Or maybe it wash is way of dealing with it. He had the same fear in his eyes even with the teasing smile on his face.

“You should have seen the crowd that saw me off,” Lacey shot back and that made him grin.

They had a way with each other that was fascinating to watch. In the short time they had known each other they had developed a deep friendship. And nothing like possibility of death to make a person treasure every stolen moment.

He gave her a hug and I studied Lacey’s features. They were tight and pale. She didn’t look well. I swallowed the panic down. I had already cried like a baby, no more. While I was with her, I would convince myself she was going to survive. It was only when she wasn’t around I would let myself face the fear of losing her.

Aiden and I stayed with Lacey until Adonis returned. We left the room to give them some privacy.

I stood outside the door watching it like it held the secret to this whole situation. Aiden stood beside me. Neither of us were in the mood to talk and didn’t try to make conversation. Perhaps we were both busy with our heavy thoughts about our friend and her chances.

Every time I even considered the possibility that Lacey wouldn’t make it I felt a sense of panic I had never experienced before I let out a deep breath and suppressed it.

Aiden’s hand found mine and squeezed it. My head turned but he was still staring at the door. My gaze dropped to my hand in his and I took another breath. His eyes met mine and I held my breath.

It was there in his eyes. The memory of his lips against mine, the complete loss of control. It was the reality of being anywhere near him. I had no self control when it came to him and if I had any self preservation I would keep my distance.

But self preservation wasn’t wanted I wanted. My eyes went back to Lacey’s hospital room door. Aiden’s hand tightened his hold on my hand.

Watching a loved one face death made me look at my life. If I was going to die what would matter more: doing what was right or doing what felt right.

My mind chose Max but every other part of me wanted Aiden…it was too much to fight.

It was only footsteps coming towards us and the sight of Lacey’s worried parents that brought me back down to reality with a thump. Hurriedly, I pulled out of Aiden’s hold, hoping no one had see us holding hands. How would I explain it to any observer? Was there any acceptable explanation?

“Reece,” Mrs Harpers said as she hugged him. Mr Harper shook Aiden’s hand.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner,” I mumbled. I couldn’t imagine what they were going through. The possibility of losing a child. It went against the norm of children burying their parents.

“You are here now,” she murmured, affectionately.

“Thank you for being here,” Mr Harper said, putting an arm around me and giving me an affectionate squeeze.

Once they headed into Lacey’s hospital room I was left standing with Aiden but I couldn’t look him in the eye.

“I just need…” I didn’t even finish my sentence as I walked down the hallway to waiting area where I had seen a sign for toilets earlier.

The bathroom was empty as the door closed behind me.

I went to the sink and splashed some water on my face. I stared back at my expression with water still dripping from my chin. This person I saw felt like someone else.

If anyone had told me I was capable of doing to Max what I was I wouldn’t have believed it. I wasn’t a person who cheated but I had. I let out a deep emotional breath. It was easy to blame it on the whole situation and stress caused from Lacey’s health scare but what if it ran deeper than that.

Just when I thought I had found the right guy, after dating one loser after the other and here I was screwing up, possibility beyond repair.

Was I on a path of self destruction? Was that was this was all about?

I wanted to say yes and brush it off as something that wouldn’t have happened under normal circumstances but deep down I knew that was a lie.

Aiden’s mouth on mine. The total abandonment I had felt as I kissed him back without any hesitation. I had never felt like with anyone, ever before. What did that mean?

I didn’t like the person staring back at me. I was no better than all the losers who had broken my heart before I’d met Max.

Feeling awful and undeserving of Max I dried my face.

The only thing that differentiated me from the losers who had broken my heart, was that I was going to step up and admit the truth no matter how much it would cost me. My only regret was hurting Max.

What made it worse was it wasn’t just with any guy, it had been his best friend. What kind of person did that make me?

I didn’t want to answer that.

**********

I was a bundle of nerves as time ticked by and Lacey’s surgery drew near. I was avoiding Aiden and any interaction with him. It was for the best.

In my emotional state I couldn’t keep a clear head where he was concerned and I couldn’t allow anything more to happen between us.

There was a good chance Max wouldn’t be able to forgive me for what I had done already but I held onto the hope that he would be able to understand. I scoffed at myself. If I didn’t complete understand myself how could I expect him to.

The build up was intense and I fidgeted and paced until I got to a point I wanted to scream, so hard just to get rid of the turmoil inside but I didn’t. I kept it inside, smothering the need release the pressure inside.

Everyone was taking strain: in the looks shared by her parents, the way Alex paced non stop and the way Adonis looked at Lacey when he didn’t think anyone was watching.

My parents kept calling for updates but there wasn’t much to tell them. I told them I let them know when Lacey began her surgery.

No one wanted to rush it. Every moment we had with her we wanted. But inevitably the time for her surgery arrived. The pressure that had been building up inside me felt like it was going to break free but I fought to keep it inside.

How I stood and watched Lacey interact with each loved one and didn’t break down I will never know.

When it came to my turn and hugged her. “I’ll see you soon.”

She held me a little tighter before she released me. “I could never tell you how much your friendship has meant to me.” She was emotional and I swallowed hard.

“Same.” I didn’t want to say goodbye, I couldn’t write her off while she was still here with me.

I couldn’t talk to her like she wasn’t coming back. Holding her gaze, I kept myself from breaking down.

“You’ll be fine. And when you come out I’ll be here.”

She nodded.

I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before I moved so she could talk to Aiden.

A few feet away I stood watching my friend’s last moments before she went into surgery, with all the fears and the hope that she would make it through it.

Her life hung in the balance and the odds weren’t in her favor.

When Adonis was the last one to speak to Lacey, I was transfixed. I had always told her that he had liked her, I had seen it when he thought no one had been watching. Now as I watched him talk to her softly, my heart ached.

They had overcome so much and instead of looking forward to their future they were both facing a situation where they might not have one. It was too much to take in.

Lacey didn’t deserve this and neither did Adonis. The unfairness was crippling.

Adonis pressed his lips to hers and felt the tears sting. I closed my eyes briefly feeling the pain of what they were going through wash over me.

When I opened my eyes they spoke softly for a few more moments before he kiss her forehead gently. For someone so young he was handling it better than I would have if I had been in his shoes.

Two nurses arrived to take Lacey. I wanted to panic and stop them. I curled my hands into fists and fought the urge to have a full blown panic attack in front of my everyone including my friend. She needed me to be strong, and I would honor that.

Everyone watched silently as they moved her out of the room. I saw the glimmer of fear in her eyes in the last moment I caught sight of her before she disappeared from my view.

For a while everyone remained watching the empty doorway, maybe they were making peace with whatever outcome there was to come.

The emotions that had been building up inside from the time I had answered the call to let me know Lacey was in hospital began to seep through my barriers.

Mr. Harper put a hand on Adonis’ shoulder and Adonis bowed his head. The action nearly undid me right there.

I found myself hurrying from the room without a backward glance, intent on getting out of there as quickly as I could. I inhaled sharply as I got to the lift and stabbed the button, wishing the lift would be there already.

But it didn’t immediately appear. I waited and waited. When it finally opened I stepped in and turned to see Aiden watching me with a brooding look from down the hall as the doors closed.

I caught my breath and held it, counting from one to ten in my head slowly trying to delay the building emotion. Breaking down in front of strangers was the last thing I wanted, I just had to keep it together long enough to make it out of the hospital.

The lift opened when it reached the ground floor and I quickly headed to the entrance. The doors automatically separated as I stepped in front of them.

It was dark and cool. I round the building, until there was no one to see me. That’s when I allowed myself to whimper softly and then cry.

I looked up to the stars, my eyes filled with tears. How could it look so beautiful and calm when I felt like my world was falling apart? It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair.

As my tears finally dried up, the anger set in. I let out a heavy emotional breath, trying to rid myself of the emotion.

I heard the footsteps. I didn’t need to look over my shoulder to know who it was. Somehow I just knew, and that scared me.

Determined I kept quiet. I wasn’t going to the be the first one to break the silence.

“You okay?” The familiar voice asked.

“You shouldn’t be here,” I said, finally turning to face Aiden.

“I promise I won’t touch you.” His words were soft spoken but impactful. He held his hands up.

I pressed my lips firmly together as I studied him. “Then why are you here?”

“You rushed out the room so quickly…you looked upset.” He shrugged his broad shoulders while he lowered his hands to his sides.

My eyes fixed on those shoulders. I remembered how my hands had slipped past them to link around his neck when he had kissed me. My focus moved to his lips. The lips that had pressed against mine and made everything else disappear into the background.

Even now just standing a few feet from him, I wasn’t safe. Memories of our kiss was so clear in my mind, I could even feel the pressure of his mouth on mine.

He was seeing it too. I could tell by the way his eyes lingered on my lips. I swallowed hard.

I couldn’t be in the same vicinity as him. This was crazy.

“You don’t have to touch me for me to…feel it,” I finally admitted.

His eyes dropped to the floor and he kicked a stone. “I know…I feel it too.”

With his admission his eyes lifted to mine. I wanted to gravitate to him, I wanted him to make me feel that way again but I kept my distance. This was wrong, even if I wanted it, it was still wrong.

Max. I had to remember I didn’t want to hurt him.

“I didn’t come here with any agenda. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. And if you aren’t, that’s okay too.” He was far too perceptive. He could see more than anyone else.

I turned back to look into the distance of the trees surrounding the hospital building. “I’m not okay. How can I be?” I paused, trying to catch the feelings bubbling back up to the surface. “This isn’t fair?”

I looked back over my shoulder. “I don’t understand why this is happening to her? Why her? Why not me?”

“There is no reason. It just happened that way.” His voice was soft.

“Everyone else seems to be handling this better than I am. I’m angry, hurt and fucking scared.”

His footsteps drew closer. I felt his hand on my shoulder and I sighed.

“We are all feeling those things. Some of us are just better at hiding it.”

I bowed my head. He turned me to face him. I couldn’t look him in the eye. He seemed to know what I needed, I didn’t have to ask. He hugged me and I let him.