Reece

My dreams that night had turned to nightmares and I woke up breathing hard with my heart racing like I had been trying to out run something. I put a hand to my chest as it rose and feel sharply.

I couldn’t remember what I had dreamt but all I knew was that I was glad I was awake. The sun shone brightly and I frowned. How could everything look so colorful and bright when my best friend was so ill? And there was a real chance she could die.

I felt hungover but I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol the previous night. I knew it was the stress from finding out about Lacey’s diagnosis. It took effort to get out of bed and get ready for college. It took more effort to go downstairs and make some breakfast the thought of food turned my stomach.

“Hi Honey,” my mom greeted cheerily as she breezed into the kitchen.

I didn’t even acknowledge her. Yesterday I had skirted the subject successfully from my parents. It had been too soon to open up about it when I had been struggling to process it myself.

“What’s wrong?” my mom murmured softly as she sat down beside me and gave me her undivided attention. “Talk to me.”

When my eyes met my mom’s, the sincere concern made all my fears and emotions bubble to the surface. I found it difficult to swallow as my eyes began to tear up.

“Whats wrong baby?” she murmured pulling me into a hug.

I couldn’t speak I was so upset. I sobbed as she held me.

“What ever it is, we can fix it,” she murmured rocking me like she used to when I was younger.

She didn’t know this was something out of our control. There was no way for us to fix it.

After about a minute I managed to calm down. I pulled away from mother’s safe embrace and wiped the tears from my face.

“What’s going on?” she prompted and took a shaky breath hoping to keep it together long enough to answer her question.

“It’s Lacey,” I revealed, my voice still thick with emotion. “She has a… brain tumor.”

The realization of how serious the situation was mirrored in my mother’s eyes. “Oh baby.”

A lump formed in my throat. She clasped my hand in hers as I let out another heavy breath so I could tell her everything.

“She has to have surgery but the odds aren’t good.” I held my mom’s gaze and she understood what I was scared of.

“She’ll be okay,” my mom assured me. It was what mom’s did but I knew there was no way for her to know that. It was just words she was using to soothe me.

I wanted to believe her but I didn’t. I was truly scared for the future and what that meant for my best friend I had taken for granted would be around. And now that there was a question over that it had shaken my life right to the core.

“I’m not handling it very well,” I hiccuped.

My mother’s eyes softened. “How’s Lacey coping?”

“She seems to be okay but I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.” Thinking of my friend reminded me of the happiness she had finally found with Adonis and now this. It was too sad to even contemplate. I dropped my head into my hands.

My mom’s hand rested on my shoulder. “I think it might be best for you to take some time out from college.”

I lifted my head and shook it. “If I stay home it will drive me crazy. At least if I go to college I’ll be distracted.”

She studied me for several seconds. “If it gets too much then come home.”

I nodded. I could do that.

My phone pinged with a message and I picked it up to see a message from Aiden.

How are you doing this morning?

My fingers hovered over the keys as I contemplated what to say. Did I tell him the truth or did I pretend I was okay? I decided to go with the truth.

Struggling with the news.

I held my phone and waited for his response.

“I got to go,” my mom said, interrupting my thoughts. “If you need me call me.”

I nodded and she brushed my cheek affectionately before she left. Luckily I wouldn’t have to see my dad this morning. He had gone into work early today for a meeting but there would be no avoiding him this evening.

I think we all are.

I sighed as I reread his message. His words made me feel a little better. His message also reminded me of Max and how irritated I had felt with is inability to understand how I was feeling. It had been unfair of me. He had only met Lacey once, how did I expect him to understand the full impact of what was happening when she was practically a stranger to him.

For a while I sat at the kitchen table staring down at my phone debating whether to call Max and apologize to him for being off with him last night. I couldn’t hold it against him that he wasn’t affected like Aiden and I were. It wasn’t fair.

I checked my watch. I still had some time to kill before I left for college so I called Max. It rang and rang but he never picked up. It went to voicemail.

“Hi, it’s me. I just wanted to call you to let you know I’m sorry if I was grumpy with you last night but I’m not handling this whole thing very well.” I paused. “Anyway, give me a call when you get a chance.”

If this was how I felt I couldn’t imagine what Lacey was going through. I thought about blowing college off to go and see her but I was an emotional mess. She had so much to deal with already, the last thing she needed was trying to keep me from falling apart. It wasn’t fair.

I had to be stronger for her so she could lean on me, not the other way around. For the moment I was appeased by the fact that she had Adonis and her family to rally around her while I sorted myself out.

I couldn’t even think about it without wanting to cry. It was so unfair. I didn’t know how I was going to get to a point where my eyes wouldn’t tear up every time I thought about it.

I closed my eyes and allowed the wave of emotion to pass through me as I breathed through it. One step at a time. Today I would just concentrate on getting through college. That was my sole aim.

Even though I wasn’t hungry I made myself some breakfast and managed to eat a couple of mouthfuls before I discarded the rest.

Each time I began to feel overwhelmed I would shut everything out and try to concentrate on the task at hand. It was the only way to keep the panic and overwhelming emotions from taking over and making me a blubbering mess.

I went to college and got to my first class on time. Each time my thoughts drifted back to Lacey I would try and distract myself. The first lesson was the worst and with each class it got a little easier not to think about it.

In between one of my classes I called her but she never picked up. I couldn’t remember what time her appointment was but I had left a message for her to call when when she got a chance so I could find check in with her.

I kept checking my phone but she never called or messaged me back. I had to remind myself that I had to give her space.

When I got home I was mentally wrung out trying to keep myself from thinking of Lacey. I should call her and find out how she’s doing but I still didn’t trust myself enough to not end up crying. It was the last thing she needed.

So I kept myself busy with some assignments I had even though I still had a couple of weeks to complete them.

My phone rang. It was Max.

“Hey,” he said and I felt his voice blanket me with security.

“Hi,” I sighed.

“How was your day?” he asked.

I frowned. Why wasn’t he asking me about last night? Was he afraid to bring it up?

“It was okay.” There seemed to be some sort of invisible line that he didn’t seem to want to cross.

He was my boyfriend, someone I was supposed to be able to share things with and I wasn’t. It didn’t feel right.

My phone call with Max didn’t last very long. I found it difficult to keep my annoyance with him out of my voice and we ended the call no closer to sorting out the barrier between us.

A little later there was a soft knock on my bedroom door.

“Come in,” I said distractedly before looking up to see my father in the doorway to my bedroom.

“Your mom told me,” he said walking to my bed. For once I was glad I wouldn’t have to talk about it again.

I shifted over to make space beside me and he sat down. I burrowed into his side as he put his arm around me and hugged me.

“I’m sorry Princess,” he murmured. I nodded against his shoulder.

“How’s she coping?” he asked and I broke away from him with a shrug.

“I don’t know,” I said, feeling emotional again but not sure I had the energy to deal with it. “She is going through so much…I can’t even imagine what she’s thinking. She needs me to be there for her and I can’t do that if I’m falling apart.”

“Maybe she just needs you anyway you can be there for her,” he murmured, in his wise father voice. I swallowed the emotion stuck in my throat.

“I suck as a best friend.” I let out a heavy sigh.

My father shook his head. “You’re her best friend for a reason. You know how to handle her when she is going through a tough time. You know better than anyone how to help her cope with this.”

My father had this way of turning things around and making me look at them differently.

“But I’m not coping,” I admitted to him, feeling lost.

“And that’s okay.” He hugged me again and I rested my head against his shoulder.

He patted my back and I felt like the little girl who ran to him when I scraped my knees or when a boy had tugged one my pigtails on the playgrounds.

“If you need to talk about it or anything else you know I’m here for you,” he whispered

“What would I do without you?” I sighed.

“Supper should be ready. Are you hungry?” he asked when I straightened up.

“Not at the moment. I’ll get something a little later.”

He gave me a kiss on the forehead before he left my room closing the door behind him.

I stared at my phone that lay on my bed, trying to decide if I should call Lacey again. She hadn’t returned my call from earlier. I picked up my phone and held it. Then I dropped it back on the bed when I decided to give her until tomorrow to call me back before I would try again.

Hunger pains finally forced me to go downstairs a little later to find something to eat. I got some leftovers from supper which was spaghetti and meatballs. I ate as much as I could staring off into space unable to stop thinking about my friend and her journey ahead.

Not only was it a scary experience it brought home the realisation that despite the fact that we were so young we were mortal and that is what scared me the most.

Only old people, who had lived a lifetime of happy memories, were supposed to die. Not someone who hadn’t even started to live yet. It was just so unfair.

It was past midnight before I fell into a restless sleep. Thankfully I didn’t have nightmares but when I woke up I didn’t feel rested at all and the thought of going to college felt like a mountain I couldn’t climb.

So like the day before I lived task to task, not allowing myself to contemplate too far into an uncertain future.

There were more than a few times I wanted to call Aiden and find out how he was coping. Maybe he had figured out a way to deal with it and still be there for Lacey. But each time I thought about phoning him I thought about Max, my boyfriend who I should be sharing this with but I couldn’t. He lacked the understanding I needed from him.

I called Lacey one more time before I gave up without leaving a message when she didn’t answer.

My day dragged on like it had the day before. Each class required focus and energy I couldn’t seem to muster. I was even distracted when I drove home. Twice someone behind me had to hoot at me at a robot because I hadn’t noticed the traffic light had changed to green.

There was a car parked out side my house that I didn’t immediately recognize when I got home. When I got out I saw Aiden get out the car parked beside mine.

“What’s wrong?” I asked walking to him, feeling nervous the way my stomach fluttered. My eyes were glued to his face trying to decipher if he was here to bring some bad news.

“I think we should talk inside,” he said.

That didn’t sound good. I hurried to the door and opened it. Aiden followed me in and I closed the door.

I dropped my school bag. “What is it?”

His eyes finally met mine and a chill raced up my spine. “I went to see Lacey.”

It was bad news. I could see it in his eyes, his tight features and the slump in his shoulders.

I kept silent as I waited for him to continue, too scared of what he was going to reveal.

“She’s delaying the surgery.”

His words didn’t make sense. It took me a few seconds before the meaning sank in. “But she needs the surgery.”

He nodded.

I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”

He took my hand into his and led me to living room. I sank down on the sofa and he sat beside me.

“When she wouldn’t return my calls I went to see her. She told me she is delaying the surgery by a couple of weeks so she has time to live.”

I was numb. The reality of her situation was rearing its ugly head again. I stared at Aiden’s lips, they were moving but I wasn’t hearing anything he was saying.

I stood and began to pace. “But she needs the surgery.” My words jolted me out of my trance.

“The odds are against her and she’s afraid she won’t make it through the surgery.”

Not make it through the surgery. The words vibrated through me, making me feel like my legs were jelly.

“Sit down,” Aiden murmured pulling me back down to sit beside him.

He held both my arms and leveled his gaze to mine. “Look at me.”

I blinked a couple of times before I followed his command and pulled my eyes to fix on his.

“There you go,” he murmured softly.

“How can she do that?” I asked, feeling bewildered she was trying to avoid doing the only thing that could save her. If she went ahead with the surgery she at least had a chance.

When I thought about what would happen to her without the surgery my lungs froze and it became difficult to breathe.

“Breathe in,” Aiden coached me and I tried to do as he instructed. “Breathe out.”

I tried to focus on his words and not on the thoughts racing through my mind. It eased the pressure on my chest.

“You okay?” For the first time I became aware of his hands still on my arms and the proximity of his face to mine. He was so close.

I nodded and he released my arms.

“I know it’s a lot for you to take in but she needs you to be strong.” He ran a hand through his hair. “She needs us to be strong.”

Us. He was struggling with it, just like I was.

“I thought I’d give you a heads up. She’ll probably tell you soon so take the time you have and process what you need to.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome,” he said. For the first time I saw him, not just as a friend of Max’s or Lacey’s but as a guy.

And that wasn’t a good sign.