It had been an hour and I still didn’t know how to reply to Max’s text. My phone was on my bed and I stared at it trying to figure out what he wanted. The last time we had spoke he gad been so upset after learning I had slept with Aiden. What on Earth did he want to talk about?

I was still feeling fragile over my last encounter with Aiden and I didn’t know if I even wanted to put myself through another talk with Max.

Maybe it was best to lay low for a few days before I even considered any other interactions with the opposite sex. So far I wasn’t having any luck, I just seemed to be screwing everything up.

I picked up my phone and debated how to message him back.

I really didn’t want to have to face the guy I had cheated on. It brought up a lot of guilt and I didn’t know if it was something I could handle right now.

I realized a heavy sigh. Max had been the one I hurt and I owed him a conversation, if it’s what he needed.

Sure. When?

I held my breath and waited to see what his response would be.

Today?

It was the last thing I felt like doing when I hadn’t slept the night before and already had an emotional morning. But I agreed anyway.

We arranged to meet in an hour so I dragged my heartbroken ass to the shower and got dressed. I just wanted to believe that something good could come out if it even though realistically I knew it was unlikely.

I kept my outfit simple with a shirt and jeans, no make up.

At exactly the time Max said he would be there the doorbell went. I hadn’t had that much time to work myself up but I was anxious when I let him in.

The sight of him brought back all the memories of our last encounter, making me feel worse in my tired heartbroken state.

“Hi,” I greeted, stepping aside so he could enter. Inside I was praying this would go better than my last meeting with Aiden.

“Thanks for agreeing to see me,” he said as I closed the door.

I nodded as he followed me through to the living room. My parents were out, we were alone.

He sat beside me on the sofa and I shifted to face him. “What did you want to talk about?”

I was still stumped as to why he would want to see me again.

“I didn’t like how we left things.” He eyes found mine.

I swallowed, back down the emotions his stare stirred. It brought back a time when it felt like my life was spiraling out of control and the only one who had understood had been Aiden. It was a very different story now.

“You were hurt,” I shrugged. He had every right to feel that way.

He nodded. “I never thought you would ever do something like that.”

That made two of us.

“I am sorry. I know it sounds like such a lame thing to say but I mean it. You have no idea how much I hated myself over the last few weeks. Even now when I see you, it makes me feel awful that I did that to you.”

He nodded. “I get it. You also went through an extremely stressful event where your friend nearly died.”

It was no reason to cheat on him with his best friend.

“There is no excuse for what I did. It was wrong and trust me I have spent plenty of time regretting it,” I assured him.

“When you first told me I was so angry. I couldn’t see a side other than my own. But now that I’ve had some time and I realized I had to take some of the blame for what happened.”

I was stunned by his words. How on earth could he blame himself in part for what happened? It made no sense at all.

“You were going through hell and I stood by the side lines. I didn’t give you any support.”

I shook my head. “You were supportive.”

“I was always a phone call away and that was the problem. I was never there with you where I should have been.” He sighed. “I didn’t know how to handle it or what to say to comfort you. It was something I couldn’t relate to.”

I stared at him like I was seeing a different side to him, even though I point blank refused to allow him to take any of the blame. He had always been a caring and considerate boyfriend, I had been the one to keep him at a distance simply because he didn’t understand what I was going though, and that wasn’t his fault.

I reached out and touched his arm. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I struggled to deal with what happened and I should have handled thing differently.”

He stared at me. “What would you have done differently?”

I shrugged and removed my hand from his arm. I hadn’t bothered to think about that scenario because there was no undoing the past. What was done was done? What point would there be to revisit it?

“Sometimes I think I should have stopped it before it happened but…I can’t explain it…it’s not that I’m trying to come up with an excuse. That’s not the case at all.” I let out a heavy breath. “Even if I couldn’t have stopped it, I should have told you about it the minute I crossed the line with Aiden. You deserved that much.” What happened between Aiden and I had been inevitable. Thinking back on it now I should have gone to Max and told him the truth after the first encounter where Aiden had kissed me. I still would have felt bad but not as guilty as I felt now. It was almost impossible to think back to the time at the hospital, guilt shrouding the memory of what happened between Aiden and I.

“I have to ask you a question,” he said and I nodded.

“If it hadn’t been for Lacey and her diagnosis do you think it was something that still would have happened?”

His question took me by surprise as I had never thought about it.

I shook my head. I liked to think that it was the pressures of Lacey’s life hanging in the balance that had pushed me to do such an uncharacteristic thing.

“I really am sorry Max. You didn’t deserve any of this and I hope you’ll be able to forgive me at some point.”

He shrugged and sighed. “The truth is I still care about you…deeply.” His eyes met mine and then I saw the emotion in his. My heart squeezed in my chest.

He should hate me, any other response did not make any sense.

“I know that sounds all kinds of fucked up but I don’t want to hold onto the anger or the feelings of betrayal. I’ve had time to sort through my feelings about the whole thing and you know what I realized?”

“What did you realize?”

“I miss you Reece.”

This conversation was taking a direction I hadn’t expected and I wasn’t sure how to continue. The truth was other than wanting to change what I had done to him and do things differently I had spent the rest of the time agonizing over what had pushed me to do such a horrible thing.

“Really?” I found myself asking.

He nodded.

I didn’t know how that made me feel. This was not a scenario that I ever thought would play out but here I was.

“I don’t know what to say.” I was on an honest roll, it had started with Aiden and I was trying best to continue it.

“I know you and Aiden aren’t together.” His eyes held mine.

How on earth did he know that?

“How do you know?” I asked, feeling like someone had yanked the carpet from under me.

“Aiden and I share friends.”

I nodded. Of course, it made sense.

He studied me. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to say whatever he planned to say next.

I lifted my hand to stop him.

“You’re a great guy Max, you are. And honestly, you deserve better than someone who would throw something special with you for some sort of short lived hookup no matter the circumstances.” I shrugged a shoulder.

“Shouldn’t that be my decision?”

I was stunned. I swallowed.

I felt like I was in the twilight zone. The guy I had hurt wanted me back and the guy I had cheated on him with didn’t want me anymore. This was unexpected to say the least and I wasn’t sure what to do next.

The silence between Max and I stretched on.

“The thing is…” I paused, trying to find the right words. I had decided earlier on with Aiden to be honest and I was determined to keep to that no matter how awkward things got. Lying to protect his feelings would only bring more confusion. He needed the truth. “It’s just um…I’m still have feelings for Aiden.”

Even though things were complicated, it didn’t change how I felt. And right now it didn’t look things were ever going to work out with Aiden. Maybe that was the payback for cheating on Max. The karma for being deceitful.

Or maybe the Karma was being on the other end this time, and being given insight to why someone would cross that line. It wasn’t always a selfish screwed up reason. Not that I wanted to justify what I had done to Max, but it wasn’t as clear cut as making the choice to hurt someone. What happened between Aiden and I had been been caused by the situation with Lacey. I never believed for a second that things would have happened between us if it hadn’t been for Lacey’s condition and subsequent surgery.

“I remember how it was between us before Lacey got sick. I know what I felt for you and I know what you felt for me. Right now, you don’t remember and that’s fine but I don’t want to give up on something I know is worth fighting for,” Max said and I bit my lip.

I cared for him but I didn’t for a second believe it was in the same way I had before. Things had changed. Like I had told Aiden before, I was a one man woman. While there was Aiden, there was no room for Max.

I was hesitant to give him any encouragement when I didn’t feel it was something that could happen but right in that moment I had reached my limit. I had done as much honesty as I could take and it was just easier to let it slide.

“Let’s just see how it goes,” he said, with a wink which made me smile.

I nodded.

He smiled and it was to see him seem happy again, even if I didn’t believe it would last.

“I got to go but I’ll call you later,” he said as he rose.

I followed him out and as we reached the door he stopped.

He turned to face me and lifted a hand to touch my hair. “I love the hair.”

Self consciously I touched my hair. “Thanks.”

Then he smiled and exited the house. I watched as he left.

Nothing made sense when I closed the door and leaned against it.

I was in that same mood when Lacey called me later that evening wanting to go out.

“Honestly, after the day I’ve had I just want to drink it all away,” I muttered grumpily.

“What happened?”

It was on the tip of my tongue but I knew I couldn’t mention Aiden. She had forgotten completely about him, at this point he was a stranger she wouldn’t recognize at all.

“You know, just boys,” I answered.

“Boys suck,” she said and hit him my heart like a sledge hammer.

She didn’t know the boy she had loved for so long, loved her back just as much. It was heartbreaking to watch. I had spent the last few weeks praying that she would remember something but so far she hadn’t.

I got ready to go out and then I went past Lacey’s house to pick her up.

“I just want to forget all the bad things and just be happy, even if it’s just for tonight,” I sighed. It felt like I had been under such intense pressure for so long and I just wanted to kick loose.

No guilt, no emotions, and definitely no boys.

“That makes two of us,” Lacey said.

I gave her side glance, frowning as I took in the slump in her shoulders. She had been through so much. Physically she was on the mend but it was what couldn’t be seen that I worried about. I had a sense that there was something deeper going on. I would try my best to keep up her spirits but I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to help her.

This time we went to a party on campus. There was a frat house party that a friend had invited me to and at the time I hadn’t wanted to go but what was a mind if you couldn’t change it.

There were times I wished I lived on campus but I loved living at home. My parent’s let me come and go as I pleased and they did everything for me so I could concentrate on my classes and studying. But one day I would need my independence but it didn’t have to be right now.

Besides I had so much going on right now I didn’t have it in me at the moment. There were more important things than that or Aiden. My eyes sent to Lacey.

That was what was important to me. My Friend.

I parked a few houses away from the house where the party was.

“Come on,” I said to Lacey as we both got out of the car. “We’re going to go and have fun. No boys just fun. You and me.”

I hooked my arm through hers and she gave me a smile that didn’t feel genuine but I took it at face value. I pulled her closer.

“Okay. You, me and fun,” she said, this time her smile didn’t seem put on. “I can do that.”

“That’s my girl.”

For a fraction of a second it felt like the old days, and the Lacey before the tumor.

It was crowded and I could feel the sweat drip down my back as I took a long sip of my drink. Lacey was dancing while I stood on the side lines watching.

She’d had a lot to drink and I was set on staying sober to drive us home safely. I didn’t know the two guys dancing with Lacey but I kept a cautious eye on where their hands were. I didn’t want anyone taking advantage of my friend who was really drunk. There was definitely something up with Lacey and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

The fact was our fun night out to relax had turned into a night of me watching my friend drink excessively, which wasn’t something she usually did.

I checked my watch, it was past midnight and I was tired so I finished my drink and approached Lacey.

“Come on, it’s time to go,” I told her loudly enough for her to hear me over the loud music.

She smiled at me and put her arm around me. “I love you.”

I smiled back affectionately. “I love you too.”

She was unsteady on her feet but I got her to the car more easily than I had expected. The drive to her house didn’t take long. She was quiet and broody. Not the same Lacey I was used to. I hope it was just a matter of time before she worked her way through whatever she was going through.

I had tried talking to her about it by asking how she was coping and stuff but she never opened up even though I knew there was something bugging her. But I couldn’t make her share, she had to decide that for herself.

I got her back to her house and safe in her bed before I left to drive home.

I tried to be as quiet as possible when I entered my house, for fear of waking up my parents. Slowly, I removed my sandals and climbed the creaking stairs.

When I entered my room I didn’t immediately turn on the light as I closed the door behind me and placed my shoes by my closet.

I knew my way around my room and moved to my bedside table to switch on my lamp.

My heart dropped right out of my chest and bounced right back into place when I saw Aiden sitting in my comfy chair by my window.

“What are you doing here?” I gasped. My heart raced in my chest.