I was dazed as I drove back to my house feeling like I had been kicked in the chest. I had messed up so bad there was no coming back from this. Aiden had made himself very clear and I had no choice but to accept it, no matter how much it hurt.

I’d had my chance and I had blown it. It wasn’t like I was ready to jump into another relationship but we could have taken it slowly. There had been no need to rush things. Although after seeing Lacey go through surgery and her life hang in the balance, I knew how precious time was.

When I got into bed that night and stared up the ceiling in the dark, memories of Aiden and I in the janitor’s closet made me feel hot all over. I tossed and turned, unable to find a comfortable position.

How could I have been so resistant to something for the last few weeks that I wanted so badly now? I didn’t want him to be with someone else, I wanted him to be mine. Was it seeing him with someone else that had finally forced me to see what I had been fighting before?

He didn’t want anything to do with me. The only thing he wanted from me was updates on Lacey. It hurt. Could I really blame him? I had royally screwed it up.

I frowned. The guilt of our actions had been eating away at me. It wasn’t like I had been out painting the town red and on the prowl for a new boyfriend. I had been struggling to make sense of how I felt about him especially when he was near. It was like nothing else mattered.

He had felt it too. He had at least had the guts to face it unlike me. It had taken seeing him with someone else to jolt me into action and to finally realize what I wanted.

And now what?

Could I really do anything to change things? He didn’t want anything to do with me. He was rightfully angry. But that didn’t mean I had to accept things.

When I had been indecisive, he had been strong. Now it was my turn to convince him that we had shared something special enough that we owed it to each other to at least explore it. I wasn’t going to give up so easily on him or us.

I did not sleep a wink. The emotions I felt strengthened and when the sun began to rise I got up showered and changed.

Luckily it was Saturday so I didn’t have any other commitments. My sole task was to sort things out with Aiden. He was angry and he had every right to be but he couldn’t just shut me out. If he had really cared he wouldn’t have been able to discard me so easily.

I wasn’t convinced I was going to be able to convince him to change his mind but I had to at least try.

If I had taken the time to really think though my actions I might have changed my mind. But I refused to even consider the craziness of what I was contemplating. I’d never ever done something like this before.

If he still refused to have anything to do with me then I could at least say I had tried.

I got into my car and started it up before backing up out of the driveway. I tapped my hands against the steering wheel feeling jittery. Yawning, I rubbed my eyes while I drove.

It didn’t take long before I pulled up outside Aiden’s house. It was only then the enormity of my actions dawned on me and I felt a moment of hesitation. This was crazy and so unlike me.

As I sat staring at his bedroom window I remember how his lips had touched mine. The stirring of butterflies inside of my stomach made me touch my lips gently like I could still feel his kiss.

I couldn’t just let it go without a fight. I got my phone out and I messaged him.

I need to talk to you. I’m outside.

It was still early and I ran the risk that he was still sleeping.

Restlessly, I waited and waited. Nothing.

My angst made me get out of the car and cross my arms as I tried to figure out what to do next.

I studied his window and the tree beside it. The window was slightly open but I couldn’t remember the last time I had climbed a tree. For a few steps I paced before I made up my mind.

The first branch was easy and I slowly climbed to the second one before I stepped onto the roof. Carefully I made my way to the window and lifted it up to climb inside.

When I got inside his room Aiden was still in bed sleeping. My actions were stalkerish and crazy.

It was then I realized how far I had gone and panicked. I made a move to climb back out the window.

“Reece?” Aiden’s voice sounded half asleep.

I stopped. I closed my eyes briefly wishing he would go back to sleep and when he woke up he wouldn’t remember a thing.

“What the hell Reece?” Anger filled his questioning tone and I slowly turned to face him as he sat up in his bed. His chest naked. It was difficult to pull my gaze from that to hold his angry gaze.

“Um… I uh needed to talk to you.”

“So you snuck into my room?” He slid from his bed wearing only a pair of boxers. He reached for sweats and put them on.

“I’m sorry. This was a bad idea,” I mumbled, losing all of my confidence in my actions.

I made a move to climb out the window.

“Stop,” he commanded.

I did as he said and reluctantly turned to face him.

“You can at least say what you came here to say.” He pulled an agitated hand through his hair.

All my arguments and reasons to give us a chance evaporated as I faced an annoyed Aiden.

“I know I fucked up and I’m sorry.” I shrugged. “I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did.”

He folded his arms. I was no body language expert but I knew his stance wasn’t a good sign.

I shifted where I stood. How could I convince him that I was worth taking another chance on?

“Honestly, if I had any sense I wouldn’t be here.”

He studied me pensively. “Why are you here Reece?”

It was the same question he had asked me last night.

I felt none of the courage that had led me to this madness.

“I…” my nerves were all over the place. “The thing is…”

I was a blubbering idiot who couldn’t even strong a sentence together. I let out a nervous breath. “It’s been hard to admit how I feel about you. Maybe it wouldn’t be so difficult if it wasn’t tied to the worst thing I’ve ever done to someone. I’m not proud of cheating on Max, it made me feel crappy. And that overwhelmed anything I was feeling for you.”

There was a few moments of silence that hung between us.

“I’m listening,” he prompted. His features still stiff and unwelcoming.

It was difficult to admit how I felt to him when he was being so cold toward me. I tried focus on the Aiden who had kissed me outside my front door for the first time and the same Aiden who had shared in my pain.

“I want to try be together. I don’t want to look back one day and regret not giving this thing between us a chance.”

He allowed his arms to drop to his sides. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

I frowned. “Why not?”

“I don’t think you’ll ever get over how things started with us. The pain you caused Max will always overshadow it.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“I haven’t handled any of this well at all but there is one thing I know.” I took a breath as his eyes held mine. “I think about you all the time even when I don’t want to. You helped me through one of the toughest moments of my life when I wasn’t sure I could cope at all.”

I paused. “And the attraction I feel to you is something I’ve never experienced before.”

My eyes went to his lips, the butterflies in my stomach went wild.

He didn’t say anything and I wasn’t sure there was anything else left to say that could convince him to change his mind.

“I better go.” I felt awful that I had gone to such great lengths to show him I cared and it still wasn’t enough.

“Don’t.”

I halted and faced him.

“My gut tells me to walk way and let this thing with you go. I gave you a chance and you walked all over me.” Aiden studied me.

I nodded. “I was going though a lot but that is no excuse.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, he seemed torn. I didn’t know what I would do if he didn’t give me the chance I was asking for.

“Before I was confident in what I felt and what I wanted but I’m not anymore.”

My heart plummeted and I caught my breath to try and soothe my features so he wouldn’t see how much his words hurt.

“I’m not sure how we go forward Reece. I want to try to see where things go but I don’t trust you right now.” He sighed.

I nodded, feeling a glimmer of hope that he wasn’t saying no outright. I had a chance, even if it was slim.

“There is only one way I can see this thing working out and I’m not sure if it’s something you’ll be okay with.” He dropped his hand to his side.

In that moment I wanted him any way I could have him but his tone made me nervous.

“I’m listening.” I swallowed, unsure if I was ready for what he was going to say.

“We keep things casual….”

“Casual?” I asked.

“It means we date but not exclusively.”

I frowned. “You mean we see other people as well?”

He nodded.

His solution shocked me. I had never dated multiple people at the same time, I wasn’t sure I was even built for that type of thing and I didn’t know I felt about the fact that he seemed to be okay with dating me as well as dating other girls. It didn’t sit well with me.

“It takes some of the pressure off.”

I wanted him but I wasn’t sure I would be okay with him being with other girls while we were dating. But I wasn’t sure I could walk away. I was stuck between two impossible decisions.

“Say something?”

My eyes met his. “I’m not sure. I’ve never dated multiple people at the same time.”

I didn’t want to date any other guy, I only wanted him. I wanted to say no but I was scared to let go of him. Even if I argued that he wouldn’t be completely mine, I would effectively being sharing him with others. The blonde girl from the night before came up in my memory and I felt physically sick. Could I do this know he could be spending time with her?

He shrugged. “I think it’s the best way to do this in a way that doesn’t scare you. It’s dating, not a relationship.”

I wanted to shake my head and tell him I was ready but I had already opened up enough and I was afraid of the pain he could inflict unknowingly.

“So you’re sure that you can deal with me seeing other guys at the same time?” I asked the question even when I had no intention of going though with it. I was a one man girl.

I wanted him to tell me no and change his mind but he nodded slowly.

This wasn’t how I had hoped this would go and I was torn between wanting him but not wanting him on those terms.

“Let’s just hang out without the guilt and pressure. Who knows where it could lead.” He sounded a lot more optimistic than I did.

I nodded because I couldn’t admit that I didn’t want any part in this but I didn’t want to tell him that yet. What I really needed was space from him to sort through the mess of emotions I was currently experiencing.

There was a part of me that wanted to agree and get out there so I didn’t have to face him when I told him this wasn’t something I could do. It was the coward way out. But something occurred to me. He wanted honesty and I owed him that much.

“No,” I stated, knowing this would lead to the end of us or any chance we might have.

I couldn’t be desperate enough to throw away who I was just for the chance to be with him. I had to respect myself to be able to be with him without doing things that didn’t feel right.

Either he wanted to be with me and no one else, or I would let him go no mattered how much it hurt me. The pain of going through with this option of dating would hurt far more.

“What do you mean no?” he asked, frowning.

“I know I’ve made some mistakes, we have both been through a lot and we gravitated together. Something special happened between us even though neither of us were fully prepared for it. I’m not proud of hurting Max, I should have found a better way to deal things.”

I let out a heavy breath, knowing this would probably be the end of us but I had to tell him how I really feel.

“I want the boy who knew what he wanted, the boy who blew my mind with a kiss on the patio, the one who knew what to say when my world was falling apart, the boy who saved me in a way I can’t explain.” I swallowed. “I don’t want this mediocre version of you. The one who isn’t all in. I know what I want, it might have taken me some time to figure it out but I’m here because I want to be with you and only you. Do you understand that?”

I trembled as I saw his expression. It was closed off and I knew I had lost him completely. At least I walk away knowing I had at tried.

“I’m sorry I screwed things up. I really am. We could have had something special.” I sighed, feeling heavy. I studied him for a few moments. “I’ll see myself out,” I said.

He never moved when I got to the window and climbed out. My chest hurt but I knew I had done the right thing.

Luckily I made it down to the ground without falling and I dusted my hands off as I went to my car. The pain in my chest spread but I held back the tears as I got to my car. I did allow myself to look up one last time at his bedroom window to see him watching me with an unreadable expression.

It hadn’t worked out but I had at least been true to myself and that’s what mattered most.

I got into my car and drove home. I was so tired I crawled on my bed and curled up with my pillow, sighing. I couldn’t regret what I had said to him because it was the truth.

Before when I had been to afraid to jump into anything with him he had held the confidence in what we shared. This felt like the reverse. I had been confident when he wasn’t.

I had said everything I could and there was nothing more I could do.

It gave me a bit of peace but it did nothing to help with pain throbbing in my chest. I regretted not my hesitation when I should have know but I couldn’t undo the past.

Memories of him kissing on the patio the night of the party warmed my heart and I held my pillow a little tighter. I remembered how he had been there every time I had felt my world shake every time something had gone on with Lacey. He had held me together when my life had been unraveling. And I remembered how he had set my skin on fire in the janitor’s closet. Even remembering it now made me want him again. That was the boy I wanted.

I took comfort in the knowledge I had been honest with him even if it hadn’t been what he wanted to hear. Today I had been brave enough to stand up for what I wanted when I had been so fearful and guilt ridden to do so before.

My phone pinged with a message and I rolled over to get it from my side table. There was a part of me that still hoped Aiden would come around but I was left disappointed when I saw a message from Max.

Can we talk?