If I wasn’t studying I was spending all my free time with Lacey. I didn’t want to admit by making my friend my only priority I was delaying making a decision about Aiden. He had kept his distance and since Lacey hadn’t remembered him he had kept away from her which had made it easier to not be reminded of the choice that hung over me.

But no matter what I tried I couldn’t get him off my mind. The time I didn’t see him, he was on my mind and it was driving me nuts. I didn’t know how to handle this at all.

I also hadn’t heard from Max. I wondered how he was doing and I had even contemplated messaging but had decided against it. I was probably the last person he wanted to talk to. It was best for me to leave him alone.

This wasn’t about me and what I wanted. I had done something really bad and I had to respect that Max didn’t want anything to do with me.

There was no getting away from having to choose to either be with Aiden or walk away. My head wrestled with my heart, agonizing over the choice.

One week became two, and then three.

It became easier to throw every spare moment I had using Lacey as an excuse to not deal with it with the complicatedness of my life.

I cut my hair short so she wouldn’t feel so self conscious.

“You know this is going to be so much easier to manage,” I told her enthusiastically, trying to lift her spirits.

She gave me a soft smile, that barely masked her troubled expression.

There was something going on with her, something she wasn’t ready to talk about. I was trying my best not to push her too hard for fear she wasn’t ready. She seemed so fragile since the surgery, it brought out my protectiveness for her.

I was thankful everyday that she was still alive but I remember what we had all been through and it was nowhere near what my friend had endured.

“So what do you want to do tonight?” I asked, turning around from the full length mirror in my room to face her.

She shrugged. She rarely seemed to get excited about anything.

“Come on, there must be something you want to do. There’s a party tonight?” I suggested. Maybe she needed to get out a little. She had been cooped up inside her house for far too long.

What point was there to overcoming such odds if she was too scared to live.

“We don’t have to go for long.”

She studied me and then nodded her head. “Just for a little bit.” It was something.

We spent the next hour getting ready.

“You look beautiful,” I murmured as she touched her shorter hair self consciously.

It was a reminder of what she had been through.

“Thanks.”

My mom raised a questioning eyebrow when I told her where we were headed.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” she asked softly, out of earshot of Lacey.

“We won’t be too long. She needs a change of scenery Mom.”

My mom nodded. “Okay. Just keep an eye on her.”

“I will.”

We listened to some music as I drove us the party. We could hear the music as we parked down the street and followed the noise.

I grabbed Lacey’s hand and she followed me into the house. I nodded my head at some familiar faces.

We weren’t here to party and get drunk like most of the partygoers but we headed to the kitchen to get something to drink. I filled two cups with water and handed Lacey one.

We went back into the living room and watched people dance. I wondered whether this had been a good idea as I watched Lacey.

I argued we didn’t have to stay long. I had achieved my goal but just getting get out of the house and allowing her to concentrate on something else other than being treated like she was fragile enough to break.

I finished my drink and was about to ask Lacey if she was ready to leave when my eyes locked with a pair of familiar ones. The sight of Aiden hit me square in the chest and I held my breath.

The time that had elapsed since the last time I had seen him and done nothing to dim the physical affect I felt for him.

His eyes held mine, his expression was unreadable. When his gaze moved to Lacey beside me, it allowed me to study the group of people that surrounded him. It was the beautiful girl with the long blonde hair that cause the uncomfortable feeling that settled in my chest.

We weren’t anything. He was still waiting for me to make up my mind and I was using every possible excuse not to be forced to make a choice I wasn’t ready for.

Reasoning told me to let him go but it wasn’t that easy. He made me feel things, even when I didn’t want to. I had spent countless hours thinking, reliving the memories of us together.

The girl whispered something into his ear and I frowned. I didn’t like it. Then my eyes locked with Aiden’s for a fraction before he turned and left with the blonde girl following behind him.

I was left reeling, questioning what the girl meant to him and wondering if I even still had a chance with him.

At least he laid his cards out on the table, and told me how he felt while I had done everything to avoid making a choice. What did I expect?

To avoid running into him, I waited for a about ten minutes before I suggested to Lacey that it was time to go.

I took her home and ensure she got into the house safely before I walked back to my car and got inside.

I was jittery and anxious. Even though I knew I should just go home and forget about Aiden I found myself starting my car and driving it to his house.

It wasn’t like I had a plan of what I was going to do when I got there, and for all I knew he was out. Out with the girl from the party? And my mind raced ahead with images of the two of them kissing. It made me feel raw inside.

The outside light by the front door was on when I parked in front of the house next door to his. His bedroom was dark. I checked the time. It was after midnight already. Was he home and asleep already? I held my phone and questioned whether to call him but found myself chickening out.

I didn’t know what I was doing, this was so out of character for me. The only thing it did prove to me was that I was still very affected by Aiden and ignoring him hadn’t changed anything. Perhaps the only thing I had achieved was to drive him away.

I wanted to be able to leave but I couldn’t.

Then a car pulled into his driveway. It was dark but I could see Aiden get out of the passenger side. He closed the door and leaned against the window, obviously talking to the driver. I couldn’t see who it was.

They didn’t talk for long before he stood and stepped back as the car pulled out the driveway. He waved as is drove off before walking to the front door.

I held my breath as I contemplated what to do. Did I just quietly watch him go inside his house and leave before he saw me or did I make my presence known?

I wrestled with it as I watched him open the door and then disappear inside. It felt like I had lost the opportunity and now I sat in my car like some stalker.

What was happening to me? How had u allowed him to drive me to such drastic actions? The more important question was, why was I still waiting in my car? Why hadn’t I left yet?

I wanted to be free of the obsession I had with him but the heart wanted who it wanted. Even the guilt of cheating on Max with him hadn’t changed that.

I hated how I had very little control when it came to Aiden.

I wanted to go home and forget I had seen him returning to ignoring him and his declaration. But I didn’t leave.

Instead I scrolled to his number. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to message. It took me a few minutes to decide.

You home?

I bit my lip as I held my phone and my breath waiting for him to answer me.

Three dots appeared and I waited anxiously unsure of what I was expecting him to say.

Then they disappeared and there was no reply from him.

The light was still on in his room. Why wasn’t he answering me?

Had he just not seen my message or was he deliberately ignoring me? There was no way to know for sure.

Then I did some else I never thought through.

I’m outside.

Immediately after sending it I regretted it. What was I doing? Even I couldn’t answer that.

He didn’t reply to the second message either. That’s when I should have left but something else, I couldn’t describe, kept me there.

Was it the fear that I had lost him already? I released a heavy breath, trying to stop myself from believing the worst. Never once had I considered that my silence would push him away. Had I been so focussed on myself that I had not given a thought to how this was affecting him?

The front door opened. Aiden. The sight of him made me catch my breath. I watch as he walked over to my car. He was dressed in sweats and a shirt. The sight of him stirred something inside of me and there was no way for me to deny the attraction I felt for him. My heart felt like it came alive and I felt my hands shake.

My stomach fluttered while I studied him trying to read his body language.

I could call it a momentarily lapse in reason but it was more than that. It’s why I was here now.

I nervously clutched my hands unsure of what I was going to say. Something like ‘saw you with a blonde earlier and wanted to make sure something wasn’t happening between the two of you because I still haven’t made up my mind on whether I want to be with you or not’ wasn’t fair.

But there was nothing fair about what I was feeling.

He stood by the passenger door and I unlocked it. He opened the door and got inside. I swallowed nervously.

“Why are you here Reece?” he asked, refusing to look at me, instead he kept his eyes straight ahead. His body language stiff and unwelcoming.

“I saw you tonight…” I didn’t know how to explain my rash actions. Clearly, I hadn’t thought any of this through or the possibility that my presence might be unwelcome.

He faced me. His expression tight. I wasn’t sure why I had expected a different reaction.

“So I don’t hear from you in weeks and then you see me at a party. And now what? I should thank my lucky stars you graced me with your presence?” His voice dropped with sarcasm.

I sighed trying to find the right words to articulate what had kicked me into action. “I never meant for it go on for this long.”

I swallowed. “I saw at the party.” I released a deep breath. “With the girl.”

It wasn’t exactly how I wanted to start the conversation but I couldn’t seem to think straight when he was around.

“So that is what this is about.” He gave a hollowed laugh. “You’re jealous?”

He looked incredulous, I had made a mistake by coming.

“I don’t hear a word out of you after I pour my heart out to you but the moment you see me with someone else, then suddenly you’re interested enough to show up at my house in the middle of the night.” He shook his head and gave a hollowed laugh.

But there was nothing funny about any of this. In fact I feel a heaviness that I might have screwed everything up between us.

I wanted to reach out to him and hold onto whatever had pulled us together so powerfully even if it had left a trail of destruction in our path.

“Who is she” I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to know despite his anger. For reasons I couldn’t explain, I had to know.

He stared at me like he couldn’t believe the direction of the conversation.

“It’s none of your business who she is. I’m single. I can do whatever I want with whoever I want.”

His words gutted me. I didn’t want to see him with anyone else. In that moment any indecision on my part evaporated and I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be the one he was with. How had we ended up so far away from where we had started off? I had ruined it. Instead of taking a chance on him and a possible future I had stuck my head in the sand and ignored it.

I could still see Max’s devastated expression when I had revealed I had cheated on him. It still haunted me, maybe it was because I had been in his shoes and I knew how it felt. But even knowing all of that, nothing had stopped my attraction to Aiden.

“You didn’t think to contact me once in the last few weeks not until you saw me with someone else.” He shook his head gently again, like he couldn’t quite believe it.

“I’ve been busy with college and Lacey.” It was a feeble excuse, even I knew that.

It felt like everything I was saying was making things worse.

“I don’t know if you’re trying to convince me or yourself but I don’t believe that for a second.” He stared out the window. “Your silence spoke volumes Reece. It told me everything I needed to know.”

I gripped the steering wheel trying to stop myself from getting emotional. I was already trying to recover from everything that had happened to Lacey.

“I went out on a limb and told you how I felt about you. I didn’t want to put you under pressure but I still deserved some sort of answer and you know what I got. Nothing. Not a message, not a phone call.” He paused. “But you know… at least I know where I stand.”

He was right. After ignoring him for the last three weeks I had no right to be here. His cold body language was exactly what I deserved.

I was used to the easy going Aiden. This cold angry Aiden was a stranger and I didn’t know how to deal with him.

“Why are you here?”

My gaze dropped to my hands. I couldn’t even look at him. His hard stare stayed on me.

“I wanted to see you.” I shrugged.

“Why tonight Reece? For the last three weeks I haven’t see you or heard anything from you. Then you see me at a party with someone and you expect me to be happy you finally showed up.”

I bit my lip, refusing to look at him or attempt to answer his question.

“If I had been alone would you be here right now?” His tone was confrontative. He was spoiling for a fight.

I kept quiet. Maybe he was right. If I hadn’t seen him at the party with the girl, would I be here right now?

“Say something Reece.”

What was there to say? I finally lifted my eyes to meet his.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

My life and my decisions didn’t feel like my own anymore. From the time I had discovered Lacey’s tumor, it felt like things had just spiraled out of control. I had made all the decisions to get me to this point but I felt like a different person.

He sighed and shifted in the seat. “It doesn’t matter.” His tone resigned.

I frowned. “What does that mean?” I nervous as to what that meant.

He studied me for a few moments. “I think whatever happened between us was a mistake.”

Was he serious? And why did his reasoning upset me so much? I had dragged my heels when he had declared he like me.

“I don’t understand…I thought…” I stopped talking. I opened and then closed my mouth.

“What did you think?” he prompted and raised an eyebrow.

I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.” I sighed. This wasn’t how I had expected things to unfold.

“I thought what we shared was something real. I was convinced of it.” He ran a hand through his hair and I felt a physical pain open up inside my chest. “But clearly I was wrong.”

I opened my mouth but no words came out. How on earth could I argue different when I wasn’t even convinced of it myself?

Our eyes met. The pain I felt intensified but I didn’t argue or say anything to stop him.

“I’d appreciate some updates about Lacey, if that’s not too much to ask.” The finality in his voice cut right through me and I knew I only had myself to blame. “I can’t exactly call her myself, can I?”

I nodded, feeling the string of tears and realization that I had lost him.

I could have spoken up in that moment and argued but I held my tongue and allowed him to get out of the car.

“Take care of yourself Reece,” he said softly.

I couldn’t look at him but I nodded.

The door closed.

I lifted my gaze to see him reenter his house and shut the door while a tear slid down my cheek.