Lacey

“How did you know where I was?”

His eyes met mine. There was sadness, resignation in them, and I felt my stomach dip. The effect was instant.

“You had me followed again, didn’t you?” I already knew the answer before he nodded. 

I should have felt angry, but I wasn’t, I understood it was his way of watching over me. Besides, after having upset him, it was best to just let it slide; I didn’t have the heart to fight with him about it. It was best to pick my battles.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, shoving his hands into his pockets. His eyes were steady on hers.

I shrugged. Admitting I was feeling heartbroken over him was impossible.

“I’m okay.” I dropped my gaze to the ground.

It felt like there was a vast canyon between us. I wanted to reach across it and take his hand in mine, but I believed I was doing the best for him and I had to stick to the plan no matter how much it hurt. I had to let him go.

“Alex said you had a migraine last night,” he said, watching me closely when I lifted my eyes to his. I’d suffered from many migraines. It wasn’t anything new, but he made it sound like I was trying to hide something.

The park was getting busier, and we were attracting attention. A hoodie didn’t hide his face completely, and it only one hysterical girl to recognize him for it to turn into a mob.

“Let’s finish this talk in my car.” He scanned the surrounding area with a sense of unease.

I wasn’t sure we had anything to talk about, but I didn’t want to cause a scene. As he turned to walk back to his car, I followed behind. We both got into it. The silence was heavy with my somberness and the undercurrent of his anger.

“What do you want, Gray?” I refused to meet his gaze.

When the silence stretched on, I watched him. He was studying me.

“I want you to have the surgery as soon as possible,” he said. His one hand tightened around the steering wheel.

We were at a stalemate.

“I can’t.” I averted my gaze from his but his brilliant blue stayed on me; the heat of his stare on my face.

“Why?” His voice hoarse. Even if I got him to understand why, it didn’t go with my plan to ease his pain, but I felt compelled to explain it to him like I had to my family and Aiden.

“You take it for granted that you’ll have an entire life, but I might not have that. I only have a thirty percent chance, the time I have until the surgery may be all the time I will ever have.” I could see my fear reflected in his eyes. 

He was struggling to understand my reasoning. He narrowed his eyes as he watched me.

“I know the risks of delaying but I need time.” My eyes met his.  

“But you could have the surgery now. You could survive it and have a full long life,” he argued. He didn’t get it and no matter what I said, he wouldn’t understand my decision.

I bit my lip; I wasn’t an optimist by nature.

“Or I could die,” I stated. He let out a heavy sigh and looked out the window. I watched him for a few moments. He seemed to stare, but not seeing what was in front of him.

“You’re tearing me apart,” he whispered hoarsely.

My heart ached for him. It was one of the hardest moments I’d ever experienced. Hearing
the hurt in his voice and seeing the vulnerable side of him few saw. I didn’t want to be the one to cause him any pain, but I was. It was inevitable, something I could not avoid. 

When he faced me, the despair clear in his expression crushed me. 

I wanted to reach out my hand and brush my fingers against his cheek and tell him everything would be okay. Something in me wanted to ease his pain, no matter the cost. I wanted to tell him I would do anything to stop his pain, but I couldn’t.

“I’m not trying to hurt you.” I looked to the park. This was so hard, and I felt an overwhelming anger. It wasn’t fair. We’d just found our way to each other, only to find that I didn’t have the time we thought we would.

He looked at me skeptically.

“I’m not,” I argued. His eyes left me to settle on the view of the park.

I wanted to think about a time that we wouldn’t have: the dates we wouldn’t go on, the kisses we wouldn’t share, and the love that wouldn’t carry us through our lives. I watched a couple walk past us. They were around our age, but unlike us they didn’t seem to have a care in the world and I felt a stab of anger. Why was this happening to us? Why couldn’t we be like them? I took a deep breath. Why did I have to be sick?

But life wasn’t fair, and no amount of anger was going to change it. I let out a resigned sigh.

A heavy silence settled over us. I kept my eyes on the strangers walking past the car. After a few minutes, Adonis started up the car. He never said another word. There wasn’t anything more to say.

It was only when he pulled up in my driveway did he turn off the car and then turn to face me. I face him reluctantly.

“I love you,” he whispered, and I tried to brace myself for the pain that would come. “and I would do anything for you.”

His words pulled at my heart, and I felt the tears sting.

“But this… I can’t....”

And there it was. It was what I wanted, to let him go, but I felt like something inside of me was dying. Maybe it was the thirteen-year-old who had fallen in love with him, the younger version of me that had believed that love could conquer all, but in real life, it didn’t.

“I can’t be okay with your decision. Every day, you delay is one step closer to death. It’s like watching you commit the slowest suicide and... I can’t do anything to stop it.” He expelled a deep emotional breath. Even though I knew it was for the best, his words hurt me. I understood why I wanted the time, but he didn’t and there was no way to explain it to him.

My eyes water and a tear escaped. It slid down my face and I brushed it away. 

He reached out his hand to cover mine, but before he touched me, he hesitated and then retracted his hand.

“I get it.” I tried to keep myself from falling to pieces.

I brushed another tear that escaped. My heartbreak was amplifying my already volatile emotions. Fearing I’d end up sobbing my heart out in front of him and opened the door. I stumbled out and closed the door. When I reached the front door, the floodgates opened, and I made it into the house when the tears streamed down my face.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asked, concern in his features when he took in my upset state as I entered the house but I didn’t answer him instead I brushed past him and ran up the stairs.

My fear and pain seeped through the cracks in my armor, I didn’t want to cry in front of my family. Inside the safety of my room, I lay on my bed and hugged my pillow while I cried.

Half an hour later I felt numb, I felt emotionally drained. I sat up. It surprised me that someone hadn’t come to check up on me, but I was thankful that they’d left me alone to deal with so I could pick up the pieces.

A gentle knock on my door pulled my attention away from my thoughts.

“Come in.” 

“You okay?” Alex peered through the door.

Was I okay? Not really, but I’d made my bed, and it was time to lie in it. I nodded.

“You want to talk about it?” He stepped into my room, closing the door behind him.

This wasn’t the brother that I was accustomed to.

“There’s nothing to talk about it,” I said with a shrug. I’d made my choice, and it had driven Adonis away. It was for the best.

“This have anything to do with Gray?” His eyes perceptive of every emotion on face.

Not sure if I should answer his question, I hesitated. I didn’t know how my brother would react if I told him what had happened between Adonis and I. He’d always been protective of me, and Adonis was like a brother to him, I didn’t want him to feel he had to choose.

“It’s not his fault.” I didn’t blame Adonis for his reaction; in a way he had made it easier on me. It would have been more difficult to push him away if he had stood by my decision.

“What happened?” He sat down beside me on the bed.

“He can’t understand why I’m delaying the surgery.” I dropped my gaze to my hands. “He said he couldn’t watch me do this.”

My throat clogged up with emotion from the last sentence, and I swallowed hard. Alex sat down beside me to put an arm around me and hugged me.

“It can’t be easy for him,” he said.

I nodded in agreement. None of this was easy for anyone, but I would rather him hurt now then further down the line if I didn’t survive the surgery. He would mourn the loss of something unfulfilled, but if we built memories and deepened our feeling, it would be so much worse.

There was no escape from the heavy emotions weighing my heart down. There wasn’t time to deal with it. I had to ignore the pain. Time was ticking.

“I’ll beat the crap out of him, if it’ll make you feel better?” He had a serious look, which made me grin but shook my head. It was so typical of him, although it had never been his best friend on the receiving end of his fists. 

“You’d really do that for me?” I was a little take aback. They were so close that I’d just assumed that given the choice, he’d pick Adonis’ side.

He nodded.

“You’re my sister,” he said, like it went without saying. His serious features eased with a smile that tugged at his lips. “But it’s probably a good thing you don’t want me to because Adonis has a mean right hook.”

It pulled me back to when Adonis had taken care of Evan. I smiled at my brother, glad he was trying to ease the heavy atmosphere with a joke.

That was one thing that happened when time was limited, the people in your life who loved you, took the time to show you. Most people were too busy with life and getting everyday tasks done to appreciate the little things like connecting with the people they cared about.

“Come, let’s go find some ice cream,” Alex said. Ice cream sounded great. It was just what I needed to soothe my breaking heart. 

Half a tub later and I swear I was buzzing with sugar. Across from me, Alex sat with a spoon.

“How on earth could you eat that much?” He shook his head, putting his spoon down on the table. I’d eaten most of it.

I giggled. It was nice to spend time with my brother.

My phone rang, and I got it out of my pocket. The anticipation that it could be Adonis disappeared when I saw the Caller Id.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hey you,” Reece said. “Why have you been avoiding my calls?”

I closed my eyes, not sure if I had the energy for another heated discussion. She’d been the next one on my list to talk to. 

“Can you come over?” I asked, needing to get it out of the way. The sooner I dealt with it, the better.

“Sure,” she said before hanging up.

I stared down at my phone for a minute, not sure I had the emotional strength to face her.

“Reece coming over?” Alex asked. I nodded while I looked at him.

“I wonder how she is going to take it,” I said, feeling the rising anxious growing.

“This whole situation isn’t easy,” he said.  

I got up and put the ice cream back in the fridge.

“I’m going out.” Alex stood.

“You going to see Gray?” I asked. I don’t know why I needed to know as knowing what he was doing and with who was only going to be harder for me to deal.

He studied me for a moment before he nodded his head. “He’s a mess,” he admitted me, which only made me feel worse.

My illness had robbed of us of a potential future. It was no one’s fault.

I’d loved him for a big part of my life and most of it had been from a distance, but discovering how he felt about me made it more difficult. Every time I felt my heart ache, I reminded myself I was doing the best thing for him.

No matter what happened from this moment on, at least I’d been with him for one time and that meant everything to me.

“I’ll see you later,” he said before he left.

I sat down in the kitchen and waited for Reece to arrive.

When the doorbell went, I went to open it.

“You better have a good explanation for avoiding me.” Reece crossed her arms.

I led the way to the kitchen. “Do you want something to drink?”

“No,” she said, observing me. She’d been my friend for such a long time, she knew immediately that whatever I was going to tell her she would not like.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. 

I sighed. It was now or never. “I’m delaying the surgery.” I wasn’t sure there was no point in trying to soften the blow.

There were a few moments of silence.

“Why? Is that what the surgeon suggested?” she asked with a confused look. “I thought he’d do the surgery as soon as possible.”

Feeling anxious, I leaned against the kitchen counter and gripped it.

“I don’t want to have the surgery straight away,” I said and waited for her response.

“Why?” She took a step closer.

“I’m scared I won’t make it through the surgery.” I felt teary eyed again.

Her eyes softened, and she reached out a hand to my arm.

“The surgeon explained that any delay would impact on my odds of surviving,” I explained, studying her while she absorbed what I said.

“I know you’re scared, but you have to have the surgery,” she told me softly, handling my fragility better than anyone else had.

“The odds are against me, and I want some time with the people I love. It’s not like I’m asking for another six months. All I want is a couple of weeks.”

She gave me a sympathetic look as she pulled me into a hug, and I returned her embrace. 

After a minute or two, she pulled away. “The people who love you want you to have the surgery with the best possible odds. You’re scared, but we are all here for you.”

I’d hoped that she’d understand, but I could see that would not happen. I had my family on my side and Reece was on the same side as Adonis. It was going to be so much harder.