Lacey

The migraine I suffered that night delayed my confrontation with my family over my decision to delay my surgery, but the next morning it was time to face them.

I was even debating if it was a good idea to tell them about the DNR form I’d signed.

Letting out a sigh, I wondered if it was better for them to find out now or run the chance that they would find out after my surgery. Either way, it would not be easy for them to understand my decision. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind, deciding that it wasn’t a good idea today. It would be hard enough for me to explain to the people that loved me why I needed more time.

For a few minutes, I stared unseeing at my ceiling. I hadn’t heard from Adonis since he’d dropped me off after the doctor’s appointment. He didn’t want to talk to me, and he had every right to feel that way. If I were in his shoes, I would feel the same way.

The ache in my chest spread. And I had to let him go.

I glanced at my clock beside my bed. It was ten already, so I sat up. Trying to build up the courage to face my family wasn’t easy, but after a few minutes I dragged myself out of the bed. I had a shower and got dressed.

The house was quiet when I descended the stairs. My family was in the kitchen sitting around the table drinking their coffee in silence. At the sound of my entrance, all sets of eyes settled on me. They were all tight-lipped. My brother had the most visible, angry expression. I could read him like a book. My mom looked more resigned and my father pressed his lips into a thin line as I walked to the cupboard and got a cup out to get myself a cup of coffee.

I poured my coffee before I turned my attention to my family. I took a sip of caffeine fueled drink as my brother pushed away his coffee mug on the table..

“You can’t delay the surgery,” he said in a firm voice like he was talking to a child. He was treating me like I couldn’t make my own decisions. I held his gaze. 

“We love you,” my father said. My attention moved to him.

“I love you too.” This wasn’t about that. I loved them more than anything.

A strained silence set over us.

“Look, I know you don’t agree with my decision.” I was preempting their disagreement.

“How on earth do you expect us to agree to your crazy idea to delay a surgery that could save your life?” My brother raised his voice, standing up. He glowered at me.

His outburst took me by surprise. I set my cup down on the counter as my hands shook.

“Stop,” my mom told him, but he glared at me like he wanted to shake some sense into me.

“Shouting at her wont, help the situation.” My father used his stern voice that he only used when he was really mad.

My brother crossed his arms. The slight twitch of his jaw signaled he was struggling to maintain his calm.

“We need to sit down and discuss this,” my father said, looking from me to my brother. But this wasn’t a decision where everyone got a say. I frowned. I don’t think they realized how serious I was about delaying the surgery, and I wasn’t sure how to handle the unfolding situation.

“Sit down.” My father pointed to Alex. My brother looked like he was going to argue, but my father gave him that look that told him not to argue with him. Reluctantly, he sat down.

“Have a seat.” My father told me.

“No.” I shook my head. My father pinned me with the same look he’d just given my brother, but I would not allow him to steam roll me.

“I love all of you.” My eyes moved from one family member to another. “But there’s nothing to discuss.”

“We can talk about this.” My father tried to argue, but I refused to listen.

Alex pressed his lips together, smothering his reaction.

“This isn’t something I expect you to understand or agree with, but I want you to respect it.”

“You’re killing yourself!” Alex snapped. And my eyes shot to his.

“I could die during the surgery.” Vulnerable, I crossed my arms. I hated that almost every time I thought about the surgery I faced my mortality and it made me feel more emotional.

Nearly every option available to me might have death hiding behind it. I could have the surgery straight away and die. Or I could have the surgery and survive being only a fraction of the person I had been before. Delaying the surgery meant I could make things worse. With all of that in mind, it was hard to stay positive.

“Maybe we’d be able to understand if you’d explain why you want to delay it,” my mom suggested.

My eyes met hers. Would they be able to understand? I wasn’t even sure I fully understood it myself.

“If I do it now, there’s a slight chance that I’ll survive with nothing going wrong. But there’s a greater chance I’ll die on the operating table.” I let out a shaky breath. My mom’s eyes softened.

There was another a third option that I would survive but have brain damaged and could not function independently but I didn’t want to upset my family by bringing it up.

Their somber faces took in my words.

“The time I have until then could be all the time I have.” Then I paused and allowed them a few seconds for my words to sink in. “I’m scared.”

I blinked back the tears so I could continue and swallowed. My mom brushed a tear from her face, making me feel worse that I caused it.

“I know I don’t have time, but I need it.” My eyes watered. “A week or two is all I want. It that so much to ask.” I shrugged, my insides were raw. “I need time with the people I love before.”

My mom got up and walked over to me, pulling me into a hug. I felt the emotion in my throat while my mom hugged me tight.

“I might not agree, but I understand.”

Her words made my swirl of emotions break through the cracks, and I felt a tear slid down my face. The moment my mom released me, my father was there to take her place. He stroked my head as he held me. It reminded me of how he would comfort me as a small child. I brushed a few tears away before my dad let me go.

“Your decision making sucks,” my brother said, resentfully.

I felt relieved that they were going to respect my decision. My brother wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. 

When he released me, I wiped my tears away. My parents left the kitchen, leaving me alone with my brother.

“Have you spoken to Gray?” I asked him.

My brother studied me for a moment. “Yeah. He is struggling.”

I dropped my eyes to the floor. I didn’t want to remember the words he’d said to me before.

“Give him some time and he’ll come around. He loves you,” he said. “This whole thing has been hard for everyone.”

I swallowed hard as I listened to him. 

“We’re all scared we might lose you,” he said, and I felt my throat tighten with emotion.

He embraced me. I’d planned to let Adonis go so he wouldn’t get as hurt but giving him up wouldn’t be easy. Just the short time since the doctor had felt like a lifetime and it had sucked. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to do the right thing.

After facing my family, I didn’t have the energy to face anyone else. I avoided calls from Aiden and Reece, knowing they were calling to find out how my appointment had gone. No matter what I did or what I tried to concentrate on, there was no avoiding Adonis in my thoughts. He still hadn’t called or texted. It was what I wanted, but it still hurt. Doing the right thing sucked.

**********

It was just after lunch when the doorbell went. I’d eaten half a sandwich, but I didn’t have the appetite to eat much.

I was sitting on the sofa watching mindless TV when my brother answered the door, and it surprised me when Aiden followed into the living room behind my brother.

“You better have a good excuse for ignoring my calls.” He dropped into the seat beside me.

My brother left us alone to talk.

“I’m sorry.” His presence made me straightened up, and I tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear.

He studied me for a moment. “No, not good enough. What happened?”

I dropped my eyes to avoid looking at him. He, like my family, would not take what I had to reveal well.

“Tell me,” he said.

I raised my gaze to meet his anxious face. “I’m delaying the surgery.”

He frowned. “What do you mean you’re delaying the surgery?”

“I’ve delayed my surgery for a couple of weeks,” I said.

“But doesn’t the surgeon want to do it as quickly as possible?” He tried to piece things together.

I nodded.

“Then why are you delaying it?” he asked, confused.

“My chances for surviving are slim,” I said. “So I want a little more time before I go through with it.”

The play of his features I had seen before on the faces of Adonis and my family.

“What happens if you delay it?” He was still frowning.

“It might make the surgery more difficult.”

And there it was. He stood up and paced up and down. When he stopped, he pinned me with a serious frown.

“Do it now,” he said. I shook my head. “If you delay it, you’re increasing the odds against you.”

I let out an emotional sigh, not sure if I was up to another argument over my reluctance to
do the surgery straight away. “No, this might be all the time I have left and I’m not giving it up.”

He sat back down beside me. “I want you to be okay.” His eyes filled with sadness.

“I know,” I said. “But I can’t do it.”

“How did your family take it?” He watched me closely.

“They weren’t happy, but they eventually came around.” I shrugged. There was no changing my decision.

“How did Gray take it?” Was his next question.

The soft ache in my chest returned, I pressed my hand to my chest to ease it.

“Not well. He hasn’t spoken to me since the appointment.”

When I had moments when I wanted to call him just to hear his voice, I had to remind myself why I needed to keep my distance.

“He cares about you and he doesn’t want to lose you. None of us do and I couldn’t imagine how difficult this has to be for you or for him.” His words tugged at my heart and I felt my throat thicken with emotion. I thought I was all out of tears, but my eyes blurred and a single tear slid down my cheek while Aiden watched.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he said as he brushed the tear with his thumb.

The DNR form weighed heavily on my conscious. If this was how my family and friends were reacting to the delay in the surgery, I didn’t want to know how they would handle finding out that I’d signed a form. I doubted any of them would understand why.

“Give him time to deal. He’ll come around,” he said, and I nodded even though I knew it didn’t matter as I had to let him go. 

“Come on, I think you need to get out a little.” He stood up and pulled me to my feet.

“Where are we going?” I asked, following him out of the living room.

“Anywhere but here,” he said before he opened the front door as my brother came out of the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” Alex asked.

“I’m taking her out for a bit,” he assured him. Alex seemed reluctant to let me go, but he gave a brief nod. 

Once we were in the car, Aiden started it up.

“Where are we going?” I was glad to be out of the house for a bit. I loved my family, but they were all hovering around me, which made it harder to forget about my illness and the surgery.

“How about we go to the park?” he suggested. “It’s been ages since I’ve been there.”

“Okay,” I said.

Five minutes later, Aiden parked the car, and we got out. It had been years since I’d been at the park. Looking at the swings, I remembered when I was younger yelling for Adonis to push me higher. A sad smile tugged at my lips.

He was so ingrained in my life and in most of my memories, there wasn’t any place that didn’t hold some sort of memory that included him.

“No no no,” Aiden said, shaking his head. “We came here to relax and take your mind off things; whatever you’re thinking is making you sad.”

Pushing the memory of Adonis to the back of my mind, I forced a smile to appease Aiden.

“I’ll race you to the swings,” he said before he dashed off, I giggled and chased after him.

For the next hour I didn’t think about the surgery, or the hard decisions I’d made. I spent those few precious moments laughing and doing childish things with Aiden. I was sitting on the grass laughing at Aiden’s attempts to do a handstand. He kept losing his balance and falling over.

He’d just landed on his side and he was sitting up watching me with a stern look which made me laughed even harder. As he stood up, something behind me caught his attention. I stood up and dusted the grass from my jeans.

“See, I told you he’d come around,” Aiden said, and I followed his gaze to see Adonis walking towards us.

There was a defeated slump to his shoulder as I watched him approach us.

Just the sight of him made my heart somersault. Suddenly I felt so nervous, I brushed a stray hair out of my face. He wore a pair of jeans with a hoodie that he kept over his head.
He strode to us purposefully.

“How on earth did he know where we were?” Aiden asked in a whisper.

“He has resources.” I shrugged.

We had told no one where we were going, so the only way he would know I was here was if he had me followed. It was something I hadn’t noticed, but maybe they probably good at going unnoticed.

Adonis stopped in front of me, gave Aiden a slight inclination of his head. The tight expression and thinned lips revealed his anger.

“I need to go,” Aiden said to me, feeling the tension in the air.

“I’ll make sure she gets home okay,” Adonis assured him.

“Take care. I’ll call you later,” Aiden said to me as he gave me a brief hug before he walked away.

While Adonis studied me as I watched Aiden’s retreating form to his car, I was not looking forward to the talk we were going to have.