Lacey

I was still floating in my bubble of happiness when we got up and got dressed. He kissed me and I felt myself tingle all over, remembering the closeness we had just shared. It made me blush all over again.

“We need to leave for the doctor’s appointment soon,” he told me while he was looking at his watch. I nodded my head, feeling the dread settle in my stomach.

I didn’t want our moment to end, but there was no more prolonging it. The time we’d shared I would engrave into memories, but it was time to do the right thing. 

“Is your mom coming with?” he asked, as we made our way downstairs.

“I think so,” I said. We found my mom in the kitchen unpacking some groceries.

We helped her, and then it was time to leave for the appointment. For the entire care ride I was quiet and preoccupied, and when then we stopped outside the familiar building; I had to drag myself back to the present. I wanted to be anywhere but here.

Adonis was watching me, and at my obvious nervousness he squeezed my hand. I took a shaky breath.

It wasn’t long before they ushered us into Dr. Clark’s office. I clasped my hands together as I took a seat in front of the being oak desk. My mom took the seat beside me and Adonis sat down in the only other available seat on the opposite side of me.

When the doctor entered, my nervousness spiked. He held a file in his hands.

“Lacey, it’s nice to see you again,” he said as he nodded to us. I managed a nervous half smile.

“We didn’t have time to talk the last time you where here.” He sat down behind his desk and opened the folder. He looked up to me with a seriousness that made me swallow. “It was a lot to process. I want to give you more time, but there isn’t any.”

I felt like someone had sucker punched me. My stomach sank at his words. The warmth of Adonis’ hand covered mine, and I squeezed it, feeling myself still reeling. The doctor studied me for a few moments before he looked at my file, which was open in front of him on his desk.

“We need to schedule your surgery as soon as possible,” Dr. Clarke said as he glanced down at my file again and shifted through a couple of pieces of paper.

It was now or never. I ran my tongue across my bottom lip, trying to gather up the courage to tell them what I needed, and I was well aware it would not go down well.

“I don’t want the surgery... yet,” I croaked out, my mouth suddenly feeling so dry. The doctor looked up at me like he’d hadn’t understood quite what I’d just said.

“Harp.” Adonis frowned and his hand tightened around mine.

“What do you mean you don’t want the surgery yet?” my mom asked, simultaneously.

I held onto what I knew was right for me, even if the people who loved me didn’t understand. All eyes on me and I held the gaze of the doctor. 

“I want time.” I said, but the doctor was already shaking his head at me.

“The longer we leave the surgery, the more complicated it’ll be,” he explained. 

“I understand that.” I held my composure.

The tense atmosphere didn’t make it any easier, and I could feel the heat of Adonis’ eyes on me.

“The thing is, I might not survive and I’m not willing to do it until I have some time.” I needed them to understand why I was delaying the surgery.

“I wouldn’t recommend that,” Dr. Clark stated. Determined not to allow them to steamroll me, I stiffened my back.

I hadn’t expected them to agree with my decision; I knew it would not be easy for them to understand. They wanted me to do everything I could to give myself the best chance of survival, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t know if it was the debilitating fear that I would die in surgery that had also played a part in my decision to delay it. It wasn’t like I had a bucket list of things I wanted to do. I just wanted to spend time with the people close to me, treasuring the moments I may not experience again.

“You heard the doctor.” My mom pulled my attention away from the doctor. Her voice anxious. “You can’t delay the surgery.”

“I’m sorry, mom,” I said, unsure if anyone would understand why I was doing this.

Losing warmth around my hand directed my attention to Adonis. He looked at me
like I had struck him across the face, like I had physically hurt him.

“Harp.” He didn’t need to say more. There was so much packed into that one word. His eyes pleaded with mine. And in that moment, I felt awful for not just giving in and agreeing to the surgery as soon as possible.

“I can’t,” I whispered, knowing it was going to hurt him and there was nothing I could do to soften the blow.

His expression bewildered as he processed my words.

“I need time,” I said, trying to make him understand something he couldn’t.

“And I need you to survive.” His words pulled at my heart and I shook my head.

“You can’t delay the surgery.” He continued. 

I remained silent. As difficult as my decision was, it wasn’t up for a discussion.

“Are you trying to kill yourself?” he snapped, running a hand through his hair.

I had expected this reaction, but it was still difficult to watch.

“If you don’t have the surgery now, you’ll be reducing your odds of survival. Do you understand that?” he asked desperately. He leaned forward, taking my hands into his.

Unable to look at him, I dropped my gaze to our connected hands.

“Look at me, Harp.”

I lifted my eyes to meet his. His eyes were so beautiful and fierce, they darkened slightly.

“Please don’t do this,” he said, his hands tightening around mine.

A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed. His words tore right through me and I felt like someone had cut me open in the chest. Watching his desperate expression as he pleaded with me made my eyes sting with tears.

“I have to,” I whispered, trying to keep myself from wavering.

He withdrew his hands from mine, like he couldn’t stand to touch me.

“You can’t do this to me.” He stood, his jaw clenched. “To the people who care about you.”

I turned to look at my mom for a moment. Her eyes were red rimmed and I could see what I this was doing to her. To Adonis. But I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t change my mind.

“I can’t do this,” Adonis said, and I clasped my hands together as I held my breath, keeping my eyes fixed on his angry face.

“If you’re going to kill yourself, I won’t sit on the sidelines and watch it happen,” he said, and I felt my heart sink.

He gave me one last intense look before he stalked out of the office, slamming the door with a resounding bang that echoed through the room.

I sat trying to take in what he’d said. I had expected him to be upset and even though I’d been prepared to let him go to protect him, his words had hurt.

When I looked at my mom, a tear escaped and slid down my face.

“He’ll come around,” she told me in a whisper. I wasn’t so sure. And it was for the best. Let him go to save him from more pain, even if it felt like it had wrenched my heart into two.

The doctor cleared his throat, reminding me I was still in the doctor’s office, I turned my attention to him.

I had one more thing to take care of. “I need to speak to the doctor alone,” I said to my mom, feeling nervous.

She frowned and looked from me to the doctor.

“Are you sure?” She sounded hesitant to follow my request.

I nodded, afraid my voice would show my inner turmoil. This was my chance to speak to the doctor alone. I had to do this. She studied me for a moment before she stood up. She gave my shoulder a squeeze and reluctantly left.

The doctor was quietly watching me as I clasped my hands together.

“I wanted to ask... there is a risk during the surgery,” I was searching for the right words. “I might stop breathing or something like that.”

The doctor nodded his head.

“If something like that happens, I don’t want to depend on machines,” My voice shook. It was hard to talk about my mortality, but I didn’t want to be a burden to my family.

“Are you sure?” he asked, straightening up in his chair. “It’s a big decision.”

I nodded. “I don’t want to be a burden. If the surgery doesn’t work and I can’t breathe on my own, I want you to let me… go.” I swallowed my emotion on the last word.

He frowned slightly as he studied me. “There is a form you will need to fill out.”

“That’s fine.” I nodded. Nothing about any of this was fine, it was a necessity.

“I think you need to think about it before you sign it,” he advised.

But I was already shaking my head. “I’ve decided, and it’s what I want.”

He was only doing his job, and I understood that, but I would not change my mind so there was no point in wasting time on it.

He picked up the phone and called someone. “Please bring me a DNR form.”

I felt relieved that I was getting this out of the way with no one finding out about it. In my mind I was doing the best thing for myself and for my family, even if they wouldn’t understand.

Moments later, a nurse arrived with a form and handed it to the doctor. 

He handed me the form as the nurse left. “I suggest you take it home and think about it a little more before you sign it. It’s a big decision, it could be the difference between life and death.” His eyes held mine.

He did not know how much I’d agonized over this. I didn’t want this hard decision to fall to my family. In my own way, I was making this easier for them.

My decision made, I took the form.

“May I use your pen?” Going home and thinking about it wouldn’t change my decision, it would just waste time I didn’t have.

He handed me the pen. There was no changing my mind.

My hand shook a little as I read through the document. I couldn’t think that it might happen and they would have no choice but to let me go. Any time I felt myself waver all I had to think about what it would do to my family if I lived through my surgery unable to care for myself. A fresh wave of guilt hit me as my hand tightened around the pen and I signed the form.

I handed it back to the doctor. He slid it into my file.

“Delaying the surgery will only complicate it, and you might not have a month,” he advised. “I hope you change your mind. Lacey, I’m an excellent surgeon and I’ll do everything I can for you.”

The emotion I’d been trying to suppress seeped through the cracks. Struggling, I took a deep breath and released it.

“I don’t agree with your decision, but there is nothing I can do about it. If you change your mind, please let me know.”

I remained quiet. Already I could feel my headache. It had been a stressful appointment, and it was taking its toll on me.

I got up and left the doctor’s office feeling nervous. My mom was the only one sitting in the reception room. Where was Adonis? My mom was quiet as we got to the lift, and I didn’t feel like talking much either.

Adonis was already inside his car when my mom and I exited the building. Thankfully, there weren’t fans or photographers waiting. I felt vulnerable and emotional; I didn’t need an audience.

Adonis didn’t even look in my direction when I got into the car, and I knew that this wasn’t something he was going to get over or forgive easily. Although it hurt to do this to him, it was for the best.

I kept my eyes glued to the scenery outside my window as Adonis drove us back to my house. It was easier than seeing the barely contained anger sitting beside me in the driver’s seat and knowing I was the one responsible.

When we arrived at my house, my mother thanked Adonis and he acknowledge her. His eyes still fixed in front of him. His jaw clenched. My mom got out the car, leaving us alone.

I looked at him unsure of what to say or even if there was anything I could say to ease his anger.

After a minute of the silent treatment, I got out the car and closed the door. He clearly didn’t want to talk to me. Feeling the sting of tears, I rushed to the front door. I had expected him to feel upset, but I hadn’t expected him to shut me out completely. My heart ached.

Once inside the house, I rushed to my room. I needed a moment to myself. Alone, I closed my door and slid down, pulling my legs up to my chest. One tear slid down my cheek, followed by another.

A sob tore from me. I cried for the unfairness of the situation and the tough decisions I had to make. After a while, l stopped crying. I felt drained. My eyes were red and puffy. I was too tired to deal with anymore guilt or anger. I stood up and walked over to my bed and took off my shoes.

For a moment I closed my eyes and remembered my intimate moment with Adonis, but the warm glow of happiness I’d felt had turned to sadness.

I got into the bed under my covers and lay down, needing a moment to gather myself before I faced anyone else.

My mother hadn’t agreed with the decision, and I knew she would also have her say about it. My father and brother would be just as upset. I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling the headache that had developed earlier start pounding. I was getting another migraine.