I felt like I was living in an alternate reality. One I had never expected to experience. To discover the man I loved and had promised my forever to was blatantly lying to me was something I had no idea how to handle.
It didn’t help that I was feeling emotional with the pregnancy hormones. I lay in bed wide awake staring at the ceiling wondering what I was going to do.
Then my stomach turned and I sat up in bed. I just made it to the bathroom in time to throw up. Sin had been by my side, holding my hair from my face and wiped my face with a facecloth once I had emptied the contents of my stomach which only made his betrayal that much worse. Why was he acting like he was still cared and in this relationship with me when he had clearly moved on with whoever the woman at the motel was?
“I think we should take you to the doctor,” Sin insisted when he helped me back to bed and tucked me in.
I shook my head. “It’s just something I ate. I’ll be fine.”
I closed my eyes. My heart hurt too much to look at him. Every time I saw him, I didn’t see the man I loved, I saw the man who was cheating on me.
He sat beside me on the bed and touched my face gently. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. I didn’t want him to touch me, I didn’t want him to pretend. My heart couldn’t take it.
“You look very pale.”
“I’ll be fine. I just need to rest a little.”
It seemed to pass as quickly as it had come. After a little while I sat up, feeling a little stronger but emotionally I was a mess. I had missed the doctor’s appointment I had made, but I didn’t have the energy to reschedule it. My emotions were all over the place and I had no idea what I was going to do. I wished I was one of those women who were strong enough to toss him and his stuff out the moment I had gotten back from the motel. But I wasn’t strong. I had never been strong.
Even now I was searching for a way to explain his actions and lies but the reality there was only one explanation. One I was struggling to accept.
I wasn’t even financial independent. My brother would help in a heartbeat but I couldn’t let him dig me out of this mess. I had been trying to show him I was an adult who could make their own decisions, I also had to be the adult who could fix their mistakes.
Going to my brother wasn’t an option.
I needed a little time to put some plan in place but I didn’t know how long I could pretend when I knew the truth. Every time I saw him, every time he touched me, it felt like a knife twisting in my heart. All my hopes and dreams for a future together were dying a slow painful death.
The only person I even thought about telling was Jordan but I was afraid she would say something to Slater and it would get back to Sin before I had a chance to figure things out.
I would have to do this on my own. I released a shaky breath trying to find the courage I wasn’t even sure I had.
All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry but that simply wasn’t an option. I had a baby to think about, I had to do the best I could. Giving up wasn’t something that I could do.
A little later that morning Sin came into the room to check on me. I was sitting contemplating my options. I fixed a smile to ensure he didn’t suspect what I knew. It was the toughest thing to pretend that I didn’t know what a lying cheat he was.
“You feeling better?” he asked from the doorway.
I nodded, afraid my voice with waver or reveal the underlying emotions I was trying to keep from him.
“You sure you don’t want to go to the doctor. I have some time between meetings so I can take you.” There seemed to genuine concern in his features.
He was a good liar.
“No, it’s fine.” I managed to say without revealing the turmoil I was struggling with.
I made a move to get out of bed but when I stood I felt a little light headed. The room spun.
Sin caught me and held me against him. Gently, he lay me back in the bed.
“You’re scaring me Taylor. I’m going to call the doctor.” I put out a hand to stop him.
“No don’t. It’s my fault.” I put my hand to my head.
“Tell me what’s wrong Tay.”
I bit my lip as I stared at his deep emerald eyes, wanting to unburden the secrets I carried. The one where I knew he was cheating on me and the one where he was going to be a father but I kept didn’t reveal those.
“I haven’t been eating properly.” I sat up in the bed.
“You haven’t been yourself the past few days. Is something going on that you need to talk about?” He was sharp and I swallowed hard, trying to find a way to appease him but not reveal what I knew.
“I know I’ve been busy with my mom’s stuff and work but you are my priority Taylor. You come first.”
I held my breath. I wanted to take those words at face value, I wanted to believe him but I knew better.
“You know that.” His eyes held mine.
Instead of yelling and screaming at him, I did what I had to.
There was no point in confronting him before I had a chance to put in place a plan that would allow me to walk out with some dignity.
At the moment, my first priority was ensuring I got myself a place and started to look for a job. I had some savings but it wouldn’t be enough to tide me over for the next few months. Babies were expensive and I had no idea how I was going to cope.
But I tried not to allow the panic to take over, I had to keep a cool head.
First I would find a place and a job and then I would confront him.
I wasn’t even sure when I was going to tell him about the baby.
Later that afternoon, after nibbling on some crackers I began to feel better. My stomach had settled and I wasn’t dizzy anymore.
While Sin worked in his study, I sat down with my laptop and began to search up some jobs. There were a few entry level jobs that I qualified for so I took note of them with the intent of calling when Sin wasn’t around. I also began to look for a small apartment in the area.
I made the decision not to tell anyone until I confronted Sin for fear of it getting back to him before I was ready. I wanted to believe that Jordan wouldn’t betray my trust but I couldn’t bank on it. No matter how strong I believed our friendship was.
I wasn’t even sure she would believe me. If I hadn’t seen it for myself I wouldn’t have believed it either.
Once I began to make plans and figure things out I began to feel more in control of my life, instead of being pulled along by events out of my control.
For the next couple of days I concentrated on putting my plan in place. I got a reception job at a real estate office a couple of blocks from an apartment I found. It paid enough to cover my expenses but I wasn’t sure it would cover the extras from the pregnancy. But I was trying to take it one step at a time. The apartment was small but it was all I needed for the moment. It was only a one bedroom, with a small kitchen and bathroom. The living room was tiny but it wasn’t like I would be doing a lot of entertaining.
I surveyed the small apartment, feeling some pride that I had managed to do this all on my own without the help of my brother or anyone else.
It made me feel stronger. But not strong enough to think about confronting Sin about what I had seen without feeling sick to my stomach.