I kept trying to rationalize what I had seen on the drive back home. My mind was spinning. Of all the things I had expected to discover, I wasn’t sure that had been it.
It felt like the worst possible scenario was unfolding and I had no idea what to do.
I was consumed by the betrayal and gut wrenching heartache. Tears fell but I brushed them hurriedly away, feeling weak and vulnerable wasn’t going to help me now. I had to be strong. If not for myself, for the life I was carrying.
The house felt different when I entered it this time. Before it had been my home with Sin but now it felt colder and less welcoming. I couldn’t explain why.
I felt tired and emotionally washed out. And very aware Sin would be home soon and I had to figure out how I was going to handle this.
My knee jerk reaction would be start packing and try leave before he got home but I had to keep my head. Getting emotional would put me at a disadvantage.
It was difficult not to look around the house I shared with Sin, remembering all the future plans that would never happen.
I went through to the bedroom and sat down on the bed.
What did I do? My future felt insurmountable.
The memory of him and the girl from the motel cycled through my mind no matter how hard I tried not to think about.
I heard the door and felt my heart race. I had run out of time.
Sin filled the doorway.
Then I remembered why that was a bad thing. The disapproval in his expression was clear.
His eyes narrowed. “I don’t want you alone for even five minutes Taylor.”
It was almost impossible to look at him. I hated how I still loved him, despite what he had done. Surely, if I knew what was best I wouldn’t still love someone who could do that to me and act like everything was normal.
Maybe I hadn’t had enough time for the full impact of what I had witnessed to hit me. It was the only explanation that made sense.
I had never believed he would ever cheat on me but I had seen it with my own eyes. There wasn’t another logical explanation for it. It was the hard truth, even if it felt impossible to face.
I took a breath, trying to suppress the chaos of feelings to deal with him without having an emotional breakdown at what I had just witnessed. For some reason I didn’t want to be emotional when I confronted him, I wanted a clear head with a plan.
“It was only a few minutes Sin. You’re being unreasonable.” I brushed his concern off. Perhaps it was because I felt it didn’t come from a genuine place. Why if he cared so much about me, would he be meeting another woman at a motel and lie about it?
“It’s not unreasonable considering what happened to you before.” He stalked over to me and I rose, not want to feel disadvantaged if I remained seated.
“You’re being reckless.” The statement was harsh and I bristled.
“Why do you care?” I blurted the question out before I realized what I had said.
He frowned. “Why would you ask me that?”
He searched my features and I remained tight lipped, hating how I had said something so careless when I wanted the time to figure out how to handle this and what I was going to do.
“Of course I care Taylor. I love you,” he declared earnestly and I had to stop myself from scoffing right to his face. “Do you doubt that?”
He was either a good liar or he meant it. I swallowed hard and shook my head.
He release a breath. “What’s wrong Tay?”
I wasn’t ready to tell him. I needed some time to sort through my feelings and figure out my next step.
“Nothing…um…I’m tired.” The last part was true. I felt so tired all of a sudden, like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I knew from what I had read that in the first trimester being tired was a symptom.
He lifted a hand to caress my cheek and I resist the urge to flinch. To get the time I needed, he couldn’t know what I had discovered.
“I love you,” he murmured softly and pressed a kiss to my forehead. I remained still, fighting the anger and hurt that simmered inside me. Was it his guilt that had made he state that?
He put his arms around me and hugged me. I tried to relax, knowing that if I didn’t smother my anger and hurt, he know something was wrong.
“Why don’t you go and get some sleep?” he asked when he released me.
I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep but I couldn’t. Somehow I forced a smile.
He left the room and I kicked off my shoes before getting onto the bed. I lay on my side and hugged a pillow. My mind still replaying what I had seen and trying to explain what I had seen.
Surely if he had met someone else and no longer loved me he would just break things off with me. He wouldn’t be telling me how much he loved me. This wasn’t the Sin I loved, this wasn’t the man I knew.
Despite being so tired I was too worked up to be able to fall asleep. I lay staring at the window trying to make sense of what I had witnessed and trying to decide what to do next.
Only later I heard the bedroom door open. I closed my eyes, not wanting to have to talk to him when I felt so hurt and confused. Never in a million years would I have believed he was capable of cheating. I couldn’t link the betrayal with the person, it just didn’t fit.
I felt the bed dip as I steadied my breathing. I felt the lightness of his fingers against my skin as he touched the side of my face.
Why was he being so caring? Was it the guilt of what he was doing? I could have opened my eyes and asked him the question directly but I didn’t. Maybe it was the fear of his answer that stopped me or the need to handle this on my own terms.
Before I probably would have called my brother and allowed him to handle the situation for me. But I didn’t want him to step in to fix things. I had to learn to do that for myself. No matter how difficult the situation was.
When Sin left a few minutes later I could still feel his touch on my skin. His actions made no sense.
Once the anger began to fade, that’s when the doubts set it.
Had I seen enough to confirm he had cheated on me? He hadn’t exactly kissed the girl passionately, had he? Was I trying to make excuses for him? I sat up, trying to figure out what to do next.
“You’re awake,” Sin said when he came to check on me again a while later.
“You feeling better?”
I nodded again even when I was feeling anything but fine
“You sure you’re okay?” He sat down on the bed in front of me and took my hands in his.
“Yeah,” I replied, still feeling raw.
“I don’t want you to think that I’m being unreasonable. I do it because I want to protect you.” He lifted my hand to his lips. I swallowed as his eyes held mine. “Making sure Jeff is around when I’m not helps me not to worry.”
While he was off meeting up with girls in motels. I kept the thought to myself. Now wasn’t the time to reveal what I had discovered. I wanted to feel like I was in control when I did it. And right now I was too raw and vulnerable to handle anything.
“I get it.”
His thumb brushed brushed the back of my hand.
Would he lie to my face again if I asked about his meeting? If he did, would that be enough to confirm that whatever I had seen today he was trying to hide.
Maybe there was a part of me that was hoping he would be able to explain it away.
“How was your meeting?” I asked, my voice wavered.
He shrugged. “It wasn’t eventful.”
I needed more than that.
“Did Slater attend as well?”
My heart cracked before it dropped to my stomach. He was lying.