It was just the two of us later than evening, after we had seen off everyone from the reception and thanked Slater and Jordan for hosting it.
Back in our place Sin was quiet. I had forced myself to eat something at the reception so I was feeling a little better and more steady on my feet.
“You were very quiet today,” Sin said as he loosened his tie. His hair was a messy but it did nothing to diminish how handsome he was, in fact it added to it. I wanted to run my hands through it, it was an urge I had to resist for what it would lead to.
My feet were killing me, I sat down on the bed to remove my shoes.
I was unsure of how to answer his question, fearful I would say something that would give him insight to what was making me a nervous wreck.
“I’m fine,” I murmured with a slight shrug of my shoulders, ensuring my concentration was on undoing the strap of my high heel for fear he would see I was lying.
I was not fine.
His shoes came into my view and I forced to look up as I placed the high heel beside the other.
He bent down to level our eyes. “I know today was hard for you.”
I swallowed. His tone and softening gaze went straight to my heart.
“Today wasn’t about me.” I reminded him. This was about him and the loss he had suffered.
His hand rested on my knee, his eyes dark and intense. I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to.
“That’s the thing Tay. Sometimes I feel you have a hard time opening up to me about the things that are going on up here for fear of coming across as weak.” He tapped my forehead gently. “I want you to know you can tell me anything. Nothing you’re going through is going to change what I feel for you. You know that, right?”
His words were so sweet and I felt so much worse for keeping the secret of a potential pregnancy from him but how could I come clean now. Besides in a few days I could take the test and hopefully there would be nothing more to it.
I nodded. “I know that.” My voice was filled with emotion. I loved him so much and I felt like I had let him down with being so irresponsible to forget to take my contraceptive.
“Today must have brought up a lot for you.”
Emotion lodged in my throat. He was right. I had not prepared myself for the memories but I didn’t want to make this day about me. He had lost his mom and here he was trying to console me.
“If you need to talk about it, I’m here to listen.”
I nodded, again. Unable to speak for fear I would blurt out how badly I messed up. I wanted to unburden myself but I couldn’t bring myself to make him worry. Until I could take the pregnancy test, I was in limbo of constant worry. I didn’t want that for him, in my own screwed up way I was shielding him. But there were moments I could see the cowardliness in my actions.
He stood and extended his hand to me. I placed my hand in his and he pulled me to stand.
He touched my cheek and I wanted more but I feared how I would have to explain why we would need protection. I hadn’t taken my pill again, I was unsure of how that would affect a pregnancy if I was pregnant.
Even if I wasn’t, it would still take a couple of weeks before I was protected again. I couldn’t keep this from him indefinitely. I argued I was only keeping it from him until I took the test. At some point I would have to come clean about what I had done but that didn’t have to be today.
I moved my arms around him and he hugged me, he rested his chin on the top of my head.
I had been so lucky to find him, and I was just as lucky that despite some misunderstanding we were still together. It felt like we had overcome a lot to get to this point and I wanted to do everything I could to ensure I didn’t do anything to screw this up. It was in times like this when I felt like we could conquer anything together but I still couldn’t bring myself to reveal the secret I was keeping.
“Connor is worried about you.”
I closed my eyes, annoyed that my brother couldn’t keep his concerns to himself. He loved me but sometimes I wished he wouldn’t interfere the way he did. He was doing it from a good place but I was trying to figure how to live my life, making my own choices whether they were good or bad. How could I learn if I didn’t make mistakes?
“He worries too much.”
His arms tightened around me and I sighed, content to stay this way indefinitely. I wanted to stay right there in that moment. Being with him kept all my doubts at bay. The things I didn’t want to face drifted into the background.
We stood there for about a minute before I looked up to him. “How are you doing?”
“I’m trying to hold onto the fact that we managed to have sort of relationship. At least I had that.” His eyes held the pain of losing someone before their time. “And she got to meet you.”
My heart broke for him.
“Even understanding the reasons why she couldn’t be the mother I needed didn’t erase all the bad memories from the past.” He released me. “She isn’t suffering anymore, you know?”
I nodded. I understood.
“She got to see you grow up into the man you are today,” I reminded him.
He smiled. “The one who gets to spend the rest of his life with you.”
I nodded and smiled even though I felt anxious of how things would play out over the next week. I hated how the possible pregnancy hung over my head like a dark cloud. I had always thought that when it happened for us it would have been planned and filled with joy, not anxiety and fear.
Sin seemed to withdraw more over the next couple of days, spending more time in his study. The few times I had walked in on him a call he had stopped the conversation and only continued it once I had left. I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more going on with him then he was sharing and I didn’t confront him over it. In my mind if I gave him space he would eventually reveal what it was. Besides, I had no room to talk.
The morning that I could finally take the pregnancy test I felt the weight of our future as I took the pregnancy test out.
The build up to this moment had stressed me out more than I had ever imagined. I knew it was best to just get it over and done with but I was scared and that kept me staring at the test hoping that I would get the result I wanted.
Once I did the test, there would be no going back. If I wasn’t pregnant, I could sigh with relief and ensure I never forgot to take my pill again. But if I was. I took a steady breath. It would be life changing.
I finally built up the courage to take the test and I set it down on the sink as I nervously paced the bathroom.
Thoughts of how my life would change if I was pregnant kept me from looking at the result. I was such a coward.
You can do this. I told myself. After everything I had over come I reminded myself that I could get through this as well.
I had spent the past few days seesawing on whether I was pregnant or not with confirming or disregarding all the symptoms pregnancy entailed. I had felt light headed but I put that down to stress. No nausea in the morning had me lean to the fact that I couldn’t possible be pregnant if I wasn’t throwing up in the mornings.
It had got to a stage where I just wanted it over.
That was enough to push me to peer at the pregnancy test.