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Ch4 Suspicious

I was in my own personal hell. The guilt of what I had done ate at me constantly, it was difficult to think of anything else. I still had a week before I could take a pregnancy test to see if I was pregnant.

The worry set in and sleep became a thing of the past. Each moment I wasn’t fully supporting Sin I was thinking about a potential pregnancy and the consequences. The dread inside me grew with each day.

Sin and I had never even spoken about kids before. I had no idea if he even wanted them. I hadn’t even ever thought about it either. I wasn’t sure if kids was something I saw in my future.

Sin hadn’t experienced a good family life. I had lost my parents too young. Between the two of us we had never even experienced a normal family environment.

What kind of a mother would I be if I had never experienced it for myself?

I tried to keep my inner struggle under wraps. Sin had enough going on with me having to add to it. He was still dealing with too much grief to notice my strange behavior. If this had been under any other circumstances I was sure he would have picked up on it straight away.

I was praying that this one momentary lapse wouldn’t result in a baby.

I loved Sin. That I didn’t doubt for a second. I knew we would spend the rest of our lives together. The only unknown was a baby, a child. Mine and Sin’s.

A whole new life. A vulnerable life. That scared me. I had seen how violent the world could be and I didn’t know how I would be able to protect a small baby who would depend on me.

The funeral arrangements had been organized in accordance with his mother’s wishes.

We went back to his mother’s house. It was emotional. I had only met her a few times, I did not know her well enough to grieve deeply for her. I grieved the toll her passing would take on Sin.

Sin walked through the house quietly. I could see everything there held some memory of his mother for him. I wanted to ease his pain but I had no idea how to do that.

He went through some old albums. It was weird to see him as a child. To me he had always been this capable and strong man, but in the few tattered photos from his youth I could see the child that had not only been abandoned by his father but his mother too, while she had struggled with an alcohol addiction.

He surveyed the living room with a heavy sigh. I touched his arm. “If you’re not ready we can go through her stuff when you’re ready.”

“I know it’s just stuff…but it’s her stuff. My last link to her.”

I put my hand over his and gave it a gentle squeeze. He swallowed and I saw the emotion glisten in his eyes.

“There is no rush Sin,” I soothed. Getting rid of her stuff wouldn’t lessen the emotional pain. That would stay with him for life.

In the same way I still carried the pain and trauma of losing my parents. I had just gotten used to the pain, it hadn’t lessened. It hadn’t helped that the kidnapping had reopened old wounds and left me trying to deal with it all over again.

He put his arm around me and pulled me closer. I leaned my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes to concentrate on how he made me feel. I didn’t want to think about the possible pregnancy, or the pain from my last. His presence calmed me in a way that no one else had. It was addictive.

It was a reminder of how much he meant and what I didn’t want to live without. Maybe if we had talked about children I would know where he stood on the subject but because I didn’t I wasn’t sure how he would take it.

Fear kept me silent, too afraid of what I might lose.

It was the day before the funeral when Jordan dropped a dress off for me that she pulled me to one side.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Yeah…why?” I asked, feeling like I had been caught doing something wrong.

But I had done something wrong. So very wrong that it could change everything.

I wasn’t even too scared to mention anything to her either. Feeling like I had screwed up so bad I didn’t want to tell anyone. Even my friend, someone I confided in all the time.

She frowned as she studied me. “You look like you need a good meal and a decent nights sleep.”

I shrugged dismissively. “I’m just worried about Sin.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way. But you’ve been to hell and back. Sin is strong. He will he through this. He has faced tougher and survived. You are the one I worry about.”

“Really?” I asked. Was I being that obvious?

“Yeah. You look tired.” She said. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah,” I murmured, with an added smile.

I loved that she cared. She was my best friend, someone I could depend on. But I could not tell her something I hadn’t even admitted to Sin. It felt wrong.

He had to be the first to know. It was just that simple. The issue was I wasn’t ready to tell him. I was still hoping this would all be nothing, I would take the test and it would be negative. Lesson learnt. And I would ensure I never made the same mistake again.

I soothed over her concerns with a smile. It was important not for anyone to pick up on anything, at least until I had time to take the test.

Later that day after Slater and Jordan left Sin holed himself up in his study.

I needed to get out, maybe I just needed some space to feel what I was feeling without having to hide it.

I hesitated to knock on the door to interrupt Sin who clearly needed some alone time so I scribbled a note and stuck it to the fridge. Remembering the last time he freaked out because I left my phone, I ensure this time I took it with. I didn’t want him to worry needlessly. He was under enough strain, I didn’t want to add it to it when my sole purpose at the time was to lighten it.

It was a cool day and I walked trying not to think about the possible pregnancy but everywhere I looked there was either a heavily pregnant woman or a woman pushing a pram with a baby. I found not peace. Maybe the only reason I noticed those things was because it was forefront in my mind.

I tried to concentrate on anything other than the people. Usually, I walked briskly but this time I was slower. Maybe I was putting off returning to the house because it was tiring keeping my anxiousness from Sin.

As I rounded the block I saw a dark windowed SUV driving slower than usual out the corner of my eye. I looked over my shoulder, trying not look at it directly. The hairs on my neck stood up, something didn’t feel right but I didn’t want to over react.

My heart began to race as I made a point of crossing at the next corner, still trying not to be too obvious to look to see if the car was still following me. I increased the pace of my walk. There was no car so I sighed and told myself I had to stop being so suspicious all the time. My past had made me far too cynical of the world around me.

It was only when I reached the next corner when I crossed back over to the other street did I see the SUV again. It was still following me. I hurried, my heart rate increased as I tried to put as much distance without giving away the fact that I knew I was being followed.

Even when I arrived home I glanced over and the SUV passed me as I stood in the doorway. I watched as it drove to the end of the street and turned.

Had I imagined it? I couldn’t say for sure, there was something that didn’t sit right with me and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had imagined it. But I couldn’t explain why anyone would be following me.

I frowned as I shrugged out of my jacket, trying to figure out who would have me followed.

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