top of page

Ch3 Pain Con2

Something had changed between us and I was still trying to figure out what. Each time Sin touched me it lacked the affection that had been there before. It was almost mechanical, without emotion.

Connor called to check in. “How’s he doing?”

I sighed. “As best as he can in the current situation.”

I rubbed my forehead, I was getting a dull headache. It was from lack of sleep and food. I’d had no appetite, forcing myself to eat when I remembered to.

“How are you?” His question took me by surprise. “This can’t be easy for you either.”

“I’m tired and worried about Sin.” I didn’t know if I was strong enough to hold both of us up. It made me hate how weak and helpless I felt.

“If you need me, I can be there by morning.” Did he suspect how much this would be dragging up the memories from my past?

I was so tempted to accept but I reminded myself that he had his own family to look after and I couldn’t be selfish enough to take him away from them, even for a short time. He was a good brother and had gone to great lengths to carry me when I hadn’t been able to cope. But I couldn’t let him take over every time I was overwhelmed. I had to learn how to cope with life and difficult times, otherwise I feared I would be stuck in the emotional turmoil that kept me fixated on all the bad things so I never saw the good.


We didn’t talk for long. I promised to update him with details of the funeral so he could attend.

We stayed another two days to get some sleep and finish up any arrangements for his mother’s funeral which Slater had helped with before we checked out of the hotel and returned home.

Sin was distant and quiet. I wasn’t sure what he needed so I kept close and didn’t try to push him too much.

I never once saw him shed a tear. He was keeping his grief under control, refusing to set it free. If he didn’t deal with it, it would tear him apart. But I was hesitant to push him when he was in such a fragile state.

It was like something shut down in him and I didn’t know how to reach him. I tried my best to do what I could but I couldn’t shake the feeling that this event would impact him a way I hadn’t been prepared for.

Slater arrived a little later with Jordan, both carrying some groceries.

“I thought you might need some stuff,” Jordan explained as I took in all the things she had bought for us.

I swallowed the emotion at their thoughtfulness.

“You call me if you need anything,” Slater said, while Jordan packed away the groceries for me the kitchen.

I nodded at Slater.

“I’ll get on the funeral plans so he doesn’t have to think about that right now,” he added.

“Thanks,” I said, emotionally. I didn’t know what I would do without him. “You’re a good friend Slater.”

“He would do the same for me.” He shrugged.

It was that simple and true. Their friendship was so special, you saw it shine brightest in the darkest time.

“I’m also here for you Taylor. Remember that.”

His words made me emotional and it was difficult not to feel a little teary eyed.

I felt shaky and tired after Slater and Jordan left. I needed sleep but I feel too anxious to join Sin in the bedroom. He had crashed as soon as we got home. I was afraid my restlessness would wake him and he needed the sleep.

In the doorway of our bedroom I stood watching him while he slept. He was bare chested, dressed in sweat pants. My heart ached. I loved him so much, and I hated how weak I felt. Was I failing him because I wasn’t strong enough? I crossed my arms over my chest, lost in my thoughts.

I swallowed hard, trying to push the negative thoughts away and assure myself I was doing the best I could. There was no was to fix this situation. It was something he had to go through and I couldn’t change that.

Feeling exhausted I closed the door to our bedroom slowly as not to wake Sin and went to the guest bedroom. I just needed a few hours of sleep I told myself as I curled up on the bed and closed my eyes.

I fell asleep almost straight away but my dreams were fearful and I woke up later with my heart beating so fast I thought it would break free from my chest. It was relief to realize that what I had just experienced had been a nightmare and nothing more. I put a hand to my chest until my breathing calmed down and my heartbeat slowed.

Trying to keep myself busy I warmed up some food at ate a couple of mouthfuls before I checked on Sin who was still sleeping. At least he was getting some much needed sleep.

I decided to have a shower before I joined him. For a while I stood under the heated water trying to make sense of my emotions. What were from Sin’s mother’s passing and what were my own from the the memories of my parents.

I closed my eyes and sighed. My life felt like it had been turned upside down and I was trying to put everything back in its place. After I got out of the shower and dried myself off I bowed my head trying to clear the fog in my head. I was so damn tired, I didn’t even know what day it was.

It was my contraceptive that caught my attention beside my tooth brush and my stomach sank.

No no no. My mind frantic. The realization that I had forgotten to take my pill. In a rush to pack for the hospital I had left it behind. My mind had been too focussed on Sin and his mother’s health to even think about anything else.

How had I not noticed for nearly an entire week?

I tried to remember back to when I had last taken it but it was difficult to think when the fear gripped my insides like a steel vice that made it impossible to think straight.

A pregnancy. A baby.

I held onto the sink trying to fight the panic that rose up in me. This couldn’t be happening. My body trembled.

I wasn’t ready for that type of responsibility. At the moment I felt like I was barely keeping my head above the water and I had to be strong for Sin. A pregnancy was not something I could cope with right now.

I inhaled sharply trying to stave off the panic that even without the pill there was no guarantee I was pregnant. I hope and prayed that I wasn’t. In my panic I tried to calculate the last time I had been intimate with Sin and how long it had been. But I realized with more growing horror that too much time had eclipsed to take the morning after pill.

Now was not the right time for a baby. I knew that for sure.

I wasn’t even sure there would ever be a right time. How could I protect an innocent baby in a world where I had experienced the horrors first hand?

The thought sent me cascading into a whole new direction of fear. I hadn’t been able to protect my parents and I had watched my mother take her last breath unable to stop it.

“Tay.” Sin’s voice brought me back to reality.

I stood twirled around to face him. He stood in the doorway.

He frowned. “You okay?”

I swallowed. Did I tell him what I had done? Did I tell him that I had made potentially the biggest mistake of our lives and I had to hope and pray there wouldn’t be any repercussions?

Not only had I failed myself, I had failed him too.

Even though he had slept he looked like he needed more. He had lost weight in the last week and it was clear to see in his features. I couldn’t burden him with more to worry about. I just couldn’t.

So instead of telling him the truth, I forced a weak smile. “I’m fine.”

My voice was breathless but I hoped he was too preoccupied to see it. He studied me before he walked over to embrace me.

Would he still love me if I was pregnant because I had been careless? The thought gave way to a new fear.

bottom of page