Ch19 Past2 Cont
Sin quietened down and I studied him.
There was still so much to talk about. So much between us that needed to be said and digested. It was difficult to pinpoint where to start. I didn’t know if this was the right time to talk about something that had been bugging me for a while. I needed to lay it out for his judgement.
“You haven’t asked me how it happened?” I asked, softly. Still unsure of whether it was a good idea to bring this up right now.
“What?” he asked, his eyes on me now.
I wet my lips nervously and he took my hand in his in a way to reassure me. He could read me so well.
He smirked. “I think I know how babies are made Tay.”
I flushed and my cheeks warmed as he stared at me making me feel very aware of the attraction between us. My pulse quickened and I took a steady breath.
It was nice to see his features ease into light hearted teasing but this was something that had been weighing on me for what felt like the longest time.
“Aren’t you even curious as to how it was possible for me to fall pregnant when I was on the pill?” I continued, needing to be honest with him.
He shrugged. “Does it really matter?”
I frowned. I had at least expected him to ask some questions. There had even been a part of me that had steeled myself against his full out rejection of a baby.
“I need to get it off my chest and I need you to listen.” I stood and began to pace. “I didn’t do it to trap you.”
It was the first time I had aired what had plagued me from the time I had discovered I was pregnant.
He shook his head and rose. He set his beer down on the step before coming to a stop by me. He took his hands in mine. “You can’t trap what’s already yours.”
He always had a way of saying the right thing when I needed it. I stared deep into his emerald green eyes.
“I forgot my pill. With the stress of your mom’s passing…” Saying it made it sound like such a feeble excuse. How on earth could anyone believe it had been by accident?
“Stop.” His brows met in a deep frown. “I love you and despite everything that’s happened I still want to spend the rest of my life with you. Nothing has changed.”
His words took my breath away.
He looked down to my hand where my engagement would have been. My finger was bare. I had not been able to wear it when my heart was breaking and I was trying to figure out how I carried on without him.
“You took it off?” His was solemn.
I released a long emotional breath. “It was too hard to wear it with everything going on.”
“You still want to spend the rest of your life with me?” He eyes glittered so beautifully as he gazed down to me.
It felt like I was looking at the stars in the midnight sky.
“You know the answer to that question.”
“Maybe I need you to say it.” He waited.
“Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
He lowered his mouth to touch mine. It was a brief kiss but it brought me alive in a way only he could.
He smiled. “I never thought about kids and becoming a father but I want it more than anything right now.”
He seemed so confident, where I wasn’t.
“Do you know how hard it was to push you away? To allow you to believe I would betray you to keep you safe?” His voice husked with emotion. “I feared every moment without you.”
I swallowed. I still remember how he had turned my life upside down. The feelings were still raw in me. While I understood why he had done it, it didn’t erase what he had put me through.
“It was hard to let you go.” The cobwebs of his betrayal still clung to me even when the truth was he had never betrayed me.
“I love you.” His voice velvet, his deep emerald eyes full of emotion.
There had been a time when it had taken a while for him to say those words to me. They hadn’t lost their impact, despite the countless times he had used them from the first time he had told spoken those three beautiful words.
It encased our past and future and every obstacle.
Mack was another obstacle that we would get through. I had to believe we would.
“You know that, don’t you?” He touched my face. “I know we’ve had a lot going on with my mom and then all of this.”
I nodded. “I do.”
I couldn’t completely close off the everything he had put me through when he had allowed me to believe he had cheated. Even though I knew why, it didn’t erase all the doubts and pain I had experienced because of it.
“I never asked if you want the baby?” he asked softly.
“It was unexpected but I want it Sin.” That much I had never doubted.
He gave a decisive nod. “Then we’re having it.”
It sounded so simple.
I inhaled sharply. “I’m scared Sin.” It took a lot for me to admit that out loud.
I released an emotional breath trying to build the courage to voice the fear that had arisen from the start of my pregnancy.
“Look at what we’ve both been through. How do we bring a child into a world where we’ve experienced such trauma? How do we keep our baby safe?” My throat burned. It was the fear that something bad would happen to our baby that kept me from looking forward to having our baby.
My mother had died protecting me. It had been the ultimate sacrifice and even though I hadn’t even met my child, I knew that I would do the same in a heartbeat. There was no choice. I would sacrifice everything.
“If we let the fear from our pasts rules our future we will never be free of them.”
I studied him.
“Can we be free?” It didn’t feel like it was possible.
Many years had passed since the death of my parents but it hadn’t weakened the fear that anything could happen at any time. My parents had had no warning, not time to prepare. In a splits second they had been taken and my whole life had been altered.
It had only taken the rash actions of a couple of strangers to irrevocably change everything for me.
Could I trust that I could keep the same from happening to us? To our baby?
Right in the middle of the dangerous situation with Mack, I found it more difficult to be optomistic.
“We don’t let them win. We are going to live our happy ever after Taylor. I won’t allow this Mack thing to derail the life I want with you.”
I wanted his confidence but I didn’t. Maybe he was braver than I was.
I put my hands to his chest and moved closer. I wanted to believe him, that he could get us through this difficult situation and soon we would be able to start our life together.
He put his arms around me and pulled me to him. His mouth found mine and I groaned as his lips on mine.
I wanted him so much. It was more than physical. I wanted all of him. His future, his children, everything he was willing to give.
He thrust his tongue between my lips to move against mine. I lifted my arms to run my hands through his silky dark hair. I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything and with that came the fear that somehow I would lose him.
I didn’t want to allow the doubts in but I had to be realistic. Once the situation with Mack was figure out then I would allow myself to dream about the future with him. But right now I was going to live moment to moment until I could breath a sigh of relief when Mack was out of our lives for good.
Anything else would not do.