Ch15 Situation Con
Once we got back inside I headed to the bathroom. I was freaking out and I needed to get my shit together. I inhaled a breath and counted to five before I released and repeated the action.
I paced the small room trying to figure a way to stave off the panic so I could keep a cool head in the situation. Feeling panicked I held onto the sides of the sink and breathed deeply. I wet my face and patted it dry with a towel.
I wasn’t sure I was feeling any more in control when I exited the bathroom. Sin was seated on the bed.
“Are you hungry?” he asked, as he stood.
He was acting calm but I could see the strain in his features. I wasn’t the only one under pressure. It reminded me that whatever this situation was, we were in this together.
I nodded. If I didn’t eat then I would have to deal with nausea and that was the last thing I needed right now.
Besides this didn’t feel like the right time to tell him. He didn’t need more to worry about. It would just make things worse and right now I needed this situation to get better or see a way out of it.
He made some food while I sat at the dining room table. I made an effort to eat as much as I could, very aware that I was eating for two but the stress of everything had affected my appetite and I pushed the half eaten plate away.
“You feeling okay?” Sin asked with a frown and concern.
I nodded. “I’m tired.”
It was the situation as well as the pregnancy. I had read somewhere that a symptom of pregnancy in the first trimester was exhaustion and I bet stress didn’t help.
He cleared up while I went to the bedroom. It felt like home but different.
It wasn’t the same. I headed to the bathroom and started the shower.
Inside I leaned against my head the cool tiles and let out an emotional breath. It was becoming harder and harder to keep myself calm. I wasn’t sure I would be able to sleep.
I was so deep in thought I didn’t hear Sin until he opened the shower door and joined me in the shower. He stood behind me until I turned to face him. Water slid down my face and body as I stared at him, feeling more hopeless.
He pulled me close and stood under the water. I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured softly. I held him a little tighter.
I wanted his strength to hold me up, for I feared I wasn’t strong enough for what lay ahead of us. It didn’t help that I was pregnant and trying to get to grips with the changes my body was going through. Being emotional didn’t help either.
I suddenly felt tearful. Tears began to intermingle with the water until I sniffled. Sin moved his hands to cradle my face, brushing my cheeks. I felt guilty that I wasn’t strong enough to keep myself together.
He moved closer. “Everything will be okay.”
I closed my eyes briefly, trying to hold on to that and the confidence with which he said it. I wanted to believe it more than anything because any alternative I couldn’t even consider.
“I will get us out of this.”
He hugged me again and I hugged him back. I needed to believe that was possible.
After we showered it was late and we got into bed. I lay on my side staring at his side profile. He was still awake, staring up the ceiling.
As tired as I was sleep evaded me and when Sin finally drifted off to sleep I was wide awake. I got up and some warm milk but nothing seemed to take the edge off so I could try get some sleep.
I managed to doze of a few times my sleep was restless.
Even when the sun began to rise I was awake, feeling shattered. It didn’t help when my stomach dropped and I got out of bed to hurry to the bathroom. I didn’t have a chance to shut the door before I bent over the toilet to throw up.
My body didn’t care about timing or how I would explain this if Sin was awake. I only had the energy to keep hunched over the toilet bowl.
I felt like death warmed up as I sat on the bathroom floor unable to move. My stomach was still all over the place and I wasn’t sure I was well enough to stand. It would usually take me a while to feel human again.
I heard footsteps and closed my eyes, wanting to block out the fact that he would see me like this.
“Taylor,” Sin whispered, bending down beside me.
“Mmmm.” I didn’t have it in to say anything more. The lack of sleep and sickness was too much to handle, I didn’t have the energy to deal with anything else.
I heard him move and the tap ran. Then I felt a cool washcloth pressed to my forehead. It made me a little better.
He brushed my cheek softly as he sat beside me quietly.
I stared at him for a little while closed my eyes again. A wave of nausea hit me and I tried to breathe through it. I wasn’t sure there was more to throw up and I heaved.
He held my hair out of my face. He was silent the entire time but I could feel his gaze on me. I knew his mind was ticking over but I wasn’t sure if it would be enough for him to figure out.
Finally when I felt a little better he wiped my face and he helped me to my feet. I brushed my teeth and rinsed my mouth as he watched.
Once I was finished I turned to face him. He was studying me with a deep thoughtful gaze, making me very aware of what he had witnessed.
He frowned, taking my hand into his. I released an emotional breath unsure of what to say. There were so many good reasons to keep my pregnancy a secret and explain this away as stomach bug. But there was a part of me that wanted him to know the truth. That we had made a life in amongst all this chaos.
His hand touched my chin as he studied me closely.
He did something I wasn’t expecting when he dropped his hand to touch my stomach with his fingers. I held my breath, unsure of what he was doing.
He lifted his eyes to mine but I held still. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t know what was the right thing to do, so instead of doing something, I did nothing.
He dropped his eyes to where he placed his hand flat against my stomach. There was no sign of a pregnancy but he knew. I could tell in the way his eyes lifted to mine and I began to tear up at the fact that I could no longer keep the secret from him. I didn’t want to burden him further and it made me feel horrible that it would be more responsibility on him.
He remained still as his eyes held mine. He was waiting for my answer.
I could have lied but it felt wrong. No matter what reasoning I used to justify it.
I nodded, swallowing hard unsure of how he was going take it. I was very aware that this could unfold in a way that I feared, that he might not want it.
He loved me but that didn’t mean kids were something he wanted. He could still love me but not want kids.
This wasn’t how I had expected for him to find out but I didn’t have control over the circumstances. I feared his reaction.
The world stopped spinning.
He dropped his gaze to where his hand was. I couldn’t decipher what he was thinking, all I could do was wait.
It felt like forever before his mouth turned up into a smile and he pulled me into his arms. Relieved, I hugged him back. Lifting my legs to wrap around his waist as he moved to the bed and sat down on the edge. He didn’t let go of me. Instead he held me a little tighter and I swallowed my tears.