When we got back from the doctor’s office I was wiped. Connor let me be, maybe he understood I needed time to come to terms with what was happening.
Going to the doctor to take a blood test to confirm the pregnancy made the unborn life inside of me feel so much more real. It also brought more pressure to tell Sin. I couldn’t keep it from indefinitely but I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to face after everything that happened.
For the first time I allowed myself to look to see if I still had his location still linked to my phone. Surprisingly, I was still able to track him. He hadn’t removed my access.
I hated how weak I still felt when it came to him. Why did I care what he was doing? Why couldn’t I just shut him from my mind and heart. It was the only way I could survive the separation.
Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones or the love I felt for him that I couldn’t block out that made me still care about him.
Jordan called a little later to check on me. I avoided revealing anything about my doctor’s visit, still adamant not to reveal my pregnancy to anyone until I had a chance to tell Sin. So far I hadn’t even been able to contemplate telling him. I wasn’t ready yet.
I also stopped myself from asking about Sin. He wasn’t mine to care for any longer and I had to remember that.
“Slater is going through a hard time at the moment,” Jordan revealed. “I’ve never seen him like this Tay.”
“Why?” I murmured.
“Sin has been acting so strange. Slater doesn’t know how to handle him this way or what to make of it.”
At the mention of Sin my heart lifted and fell. Just the sound of his name could make me feel so much I knew I was no where near ready to see him even when I knew I couldn’t put it off forever. He had to be told he was going to be a father. It was the only thing I owed him.
“What do you mean?” I found myself asking. It made me feel weak, like I had no control. My mind had one plan, my heart had an entirely different one.
“He has been avoiding Slater. Usually Slater is the one who knows exactly what’s going on when it comes to Sin but not this time. He won’t talk about you or what led to your split.”
It was strange. Slater and Sin were so close, I considered them family, brothers. The things they had been through connected them deeper than blood.
“Something isn’t right,” she added.
I sighed. “All I know is what I saw.” Remembering the scene at the motel still brought a swift pain in the middle of my chest.
“I can’t tell you why…because I’m struggling to understand how something so good…just fell apart,” I added.
It felt like it had happened overnight. Or had it gone on for longer and I just hadn’t realized it?
“God I’m sorry Tay. Here I am going on about Slater and your whole life has been turned upside down.”
“Connor is trying his best to hold me up.”
“I know sometimes he can be overbearing but he would do anything for you.”
I let out a shaky breath. “I know.”
“How are you coping?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’m okay and then there are days I’m not.”
I bit my lip to stop myself from revealing the true complicated situation I found myself in. I don’t know what her reaction would be if I told her.
Despite Sin’s actions, I still felt compelled to tell him before I told anyone else. There were still too many things up in the air. I had no idea if he would even stick around to be a father. For all I knew, I would have to do this on my own.
“This breaks my heart Tay. You guys were so happy. You could see how much he loved you.” There was a pause. “And then this happened. It feels like so out of the blue. Nothing about this whole thing makes any sense.”
I nodded and sighed. “Yeah.”
That was exactly how I felt. Maybe it was caused by the passing of his mother. Maybe that had pushed him to do something so out of character. Or maybe the Sin I knew and loved wasn’t the real man, maybe it hade been a facade and I was getting a front row seat to the true man.
It was something that was so difficult to accept, I pushed all thoughts of Sin from my mind and changed the subject.
“When will you be starting your job?” Jordan asked.
I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about my inheritance. Maybe there was a part of me that feared they would treat me differently.
“I’m not. Connor is set on me taking some time to get on my feet.”
“He is a good man that brother of yours.”
Feeling more emotional I agreed hoarsely.
“I know right now things seem pretty shitty but you will get through this Tay. You are strong. Remember that.”
Her words reached inside that determined part of me that was convinced no matter how bad thing seemed right now I would get through this. I had made it though some really horrendous situations and no matter how much this hurt right now I would overcome it.
Maybe it was that part of me that had fought so hard to survive the terrible things that had happened to me, that made me confident I was capable of getting through anything.
After my phone call with Jordan I lay down on my bed and tried to get some sleep. The nausea and tiredness were a constant reminder of my current state. And I was more emotional than usual which made me miss Sin even when I only wanted to hate him.
How could I miss someone who had treated me this way?
My sleep was restless and when I woke up a few hours later I was still tired. It was late, after ten already.
I sat up in the bed and reached for my phone. Feeling a moment of weakness I scrolled through my contacts until Sin’s name appeared. The urge to call him was nearly impossible to fight.
I debated calling him to tell him about the baby. It wasn’t fair that I was the only one who was dealing with the responsibility of the new life we had created. Granted it had been my fault I had fallen pregnant. I wrestled between whether to tell him or not. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that complicated scenario, especially when I wasn’t sure if he would want to be involved or not. Was I ready for the possibility that he wouldn’t want anything to do with the baby? I wasn’t sure but I was tired of going around in my head about all the possibilities.
Maybe it was time to tell him and see where the cards landed. I had to keep stress to a minimum with the baby and this constant anxious anticipation was playing havoc with my mental state.
A radical plan took hold in my mind and I felt a moment of trepidation before I argued myself into ripping the proverbial bandaid off quickly to feel less pain. It would be better to get it over and done with so I could spend the little energy I could muster on a solid reaction and not all the reactions I was running through my mind.
I had believed I had known Sin so well and I was faced with the reality that I hadn’t known him at all. Whatever time we had spent together, that guy was a stranger I didn’t recognize any longer.
Did I have the courage to face him to tell him about the baby? Could I do it without showing how much I still loved and missed him even when I had every right to hate him?
I wasn’t sure but one thing I did know was that I couldn’t keep putting it off. I wanted to be able to the people close to me about the baby and I couldn’t do that until I told Sin.
My mind was made. It was time tell Sin he was going to be a father.