I inhaled sharply as I shot up, disorientated. Blinking I tried to focus on the light blinding me. I felt fear, my heart beat furiously in my chest it felt like it was going to explode right out of my chest.

Where was I?

I exhaled slowly, trying to stave the panic off. I was so confused. My vision was blurred, but as it began to focus I took in my surroundings. I was in my room. My hands shook.

What the hell?

Something horrible had happened. I could feel it in my bones but my memory was blank. My body remembered what my mind could not. I couldn’t remember anything to lead me up to this point. It was unsettling. I inhaled deeply, trying to make a point of holding the breath to keep myself from panicking further.

Whatever was happening, I had to stay calm. I couldn’t explain why I felt this, I just gave into the instinct as I slid off my bed.

A car honked outside my house. Anxiously, I walked over to my window to peer cautiously to see someone parked outside my house. As I looked closer I recognized the driver of the car.

Joey.

The sight of him brought a sense of calm. He was a known in an unknown situation even if I couldn’t remember why he was here.

I pulled on my shoes trying to calm the fear inside me that something really bad was going to happen. I took a moment to breath deeply, making an effort to hold my breath before releasing it. My heart was still racing and I couldn’t seem to calm myself down.

Reluctantly, I headed downstairs still trying to figure out why Joey was outside my house, clearly waiting for me. My hand went to the door handle. I stopped, just to breath deeply and try rid myself of the sense of dread that had unfurled in the pit of my stomach.

Something didn’t feel right but I couldn’t pin point it. I opened the door and took in a deep cool breath, it felt like life instead of…I wasn’t sure.

There was something very wrong but I didn’t know what. It was the most unsettling experience to feel so disjointed from reality but know instinctively something that I couldn’t explain.

I had lived so long covering up to hide what others couldn’t see or understand. But trying to pretend everything was fine as I approached Joey’s car was more difficult than I had ever experienced. I shoved my hands into my jeans to stop them from shaking. My physical body unable to shake the after affects of waking up so suddenly in an unknown place and not being able to remember how I had gotten there.

I couldn’t even remember back to my last memory. What was wrong with me? But there was no time to figure that out. I approached the car, pulling on years of being able to hide things and I tried to keep myself from freaking out.

Calm. I had to be calm.

“Hey,” he said, with a smile.

There was a warmth in him that made me feel the heat of the sun in the most comforting way. I wanted to stay there and absorb as much of it as I could.

“Hi,” I murmured, very aware how hoarse my voice was. It hurt, feeling raw.

“Get in,” he instructed.

I had no idea why he was here but I got in the car and linked my hands in my lap.

“It’s good to see you,” he murmured, starting the engine.

You know Joey. I told myself. You’re safe with him. There was no reason to feel this fear or sense of dread. I might not be able to explain a lot of things but I knew Joey would never harm me. Somehow I knew that.

“Same,” I whispered, unable to explain why. He was the light in the darkness, the steady in the chaos, an anchor in the storm.

Was there more than friendship? It felt like it but I didn’t know.

With him I knew I would be safe, somehow I knew that without being able to explain it.

I was still so confused as he drove. I wracked my memories trying to figure out what happened but it was a dark hole. A nothingness.

I exhaled, trying to reign in the panic. It felt like I was flying blind into the unknown.

“You okay?” Joey asked with concern. His eyes searched my momentarily before looking back to the road ahead.

I nodded. I couldn’t tell him how messed I felt or explain why I felt the way I did. He would think I was crazy or unstable. Maybe I was but I had been hiding so much over the years, no one truly knew the real me….except… except for….but I couldn’t for the life of me remember who I was thinking about. I touched my forehead slowly. Had I hit my head? Was that why I could remember some stuff and not others? I didn’t feel like I had hurt myself but maybe it had been so slight it hadn’t left enough pain to remember it.

I was going round and round in circles. Nothing made sense and the more I contemplated things the more confusing things became. I felt like I was unraveling, unable to remember things or explain why I felt so tightly wound like something was about to happen and I had to be on guard.

I had to be ready. But for what? That was something I couldn’t explain. Was I crazy? Was this how a mad person thought? I didn’t know. If you were crazy, did you know it? Probably not. That didn’t help me, in fact it made me feel worse.

What if I was losing my mind?

Joey touched his hand to mine. “You seem very jittery.”

I studied him. I wanted to tell him the truth but the fear it would taint how he saw me kept me silent.

“Too much coffee,” I lied effortlessly, even surprising how easily it had come to me.

He seemed to take my explanation and concentrated on the road ahead. I still had no idea where we were headed or why.

Even with all those unknowns I still felt a sense of safety with him.

We approached the bridge and I had a flash back of being surrounded by water, drowning. I inhaled slowly, trying to keep myself steady in onslaught of memories.

“Tessa,” Joey said, but I couldn’t do anything but relive the panic of trying to fight desperately for air.

I was a prisoner to the memory of drowning and no matter what was going on around me I couldn’t escape it. The water surrounded me in darkness and I tried to swim to the surface but I couldn’t move, stuck kicking my feet, trying to propel myself up.

It was the sudden movement and then the large scrape of metal that jolted me out of the memory just in time to see the Joey fight for control of the vehicle but the car went over the side of the bridge.

Time slowed down as I screamed. Joey put his hand out of grab mine.

He was frightened as he stared into the abyss of dark water we hurtled to.

The car hit the surface and I hit my forehead on the dashboard. Pain exploded in my head, disorientating me. I head Joey groan.

The seal belt pulled sharply against my body, knocking the air from my lungs.

Joey’s hand released mine. I was still trying to figure out what had happened as water filled the car.

Water.

Then my memories flooded back.

I was going to die again, but this time there would be no one to save me like the last one. In my panicked mind, I couldn’t remember who that person was, all I could remember was that someone had saved me.

Memories of being trying to get out the car that slowly filled with water when I was ten came rushing back like the water the gushed inside the vehicle drenching me and quickly filling up.

I touched my head. There was blood. I winced as I touched the open wound and took shaky breath.

Feeling disorientated between past and present I blinked trying to get my bearings, hearing the gush of water and nothing else.

Joey.