It was a week of non stop sombre waiting. I hated how useless I felt. Watching Sin go through this was one of the worst experiences of my life and that was saying something. We hadn’t gotten more than a few hours of sleep at a time and Sin was dead on his feet but he remained at his mom’s bedside in silence. My heart ached for him.
There were no words that could comfort him so I hung back in the shadows trying my best to keep my shit together and support Sin as best as I could.
Jordan and Slater had stayed to help. When Sin and I needed to shower and sleep Jordan and Slater took over from us. I don’t know how we would have got through it without them.
I rubbed the back of my neck. I was tired and the coffee I was drinking wasn’t helping. It was strong and bitter. I discarded the coffee and went to join Sin in his mother’s hospital room. He stared at her while the machines beeped and moved, effectively keeping her alive.
“Hey,” I murmured walking to hug him and kiss his head softly.
His one arm encircled my waist and he leaned against me.
I wrapped my arms around him, hugging his head to my mid drift. Emotion clogged my throat. I wanted to be able to save him from experiencing the pain he was going through.
The doctor entered the room and I released Sin as he rose to stand. I felt a moment of foreboding. The doctor’s expression gave it away. I reached for Sin’s free hand and held it in mine as if I could halve his burden.
The doctor explained that there was no chance of recovery and Sin would have to consider turning off the machines.
Sin’s shoulders slumped and I held his hand more tightly. I felt his pain.
After the doctor left I stood quietly with Sin. He hadn’t moved and I stared at him trying to find the right words and knowing there were none. The strain of the decision was visible in his features, in the tightness of his mouth and the dark circles under his eyes.
I hugged him. He was stiffened before he sighed and embraced me.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
He moved and released a haggard breath as he raked a hand through his hair. I wanted to take his pain and make it mine.
“I don’t know what to do Tay,” he said softly.
His despair washed over me.
“You have to ask yourself if this is what she would have wanted,” I said, gently. The heaviness in my chest made it hard to breathe.
His mom had been clear that when the time came she hadn’t wanted to be kept alive with machines. The choice was clear but not easy. Making the decision to end someone’s life wasn’t something to be done lightly. And this would stay with him.
“I don’t want to let her go.”
The tone of his voice crushed me. I could see the little boy in him that still needed her.
“I know.” I took his hand in mine to remind him he wasn’t alone.
“Can you give me a minute?” he asked. “I want to say goodbye.”
I nodded and released his hand. I left him alone with his mom while I waited for Slater and Jordan to arrive.
My head was aching, my muscles tired. I didn’t know how to navigate this with Sin while trying to manage the flashbacks from my past.
Every time I saw the fluorescent lights of the hospital name, I would remember. Each breath of the sterile environment, I would remember. What little strength I wore on my exterior, hiding my inner turmoil.
I was relieved when Slater and Jordan arrived. I didn’t know how to handle Sin like this but Slater did. It was their years of friendship you could see how effortlessly Slater supported Sin. He seemed to know when to talk and when not to.
Sin and I went back to the hotel to shower and get some sleep but I didn’t sleep a wink. I watched Sin as he slept restlessly, finally given into the exhaustion of a week of shortage of decent sleep.
Sin signed the paperwork to turn off the machines the next day. I stood beside him with Slater and Jordan when we watched as his mom’s vitals declined. Within a few short minutes she flat lined.
I released a heavy breath. The realization that his mother was gone tipped me back into my own memories of losing my parents. My eyes watered but I tried to hold the tears back.
I moved to hug Sin and he hugged me back so tightly like he was afraid to let me go. It was a subtle sign of his reaction to his mom’s passing.
After Sin was done signing the necessary paperwork we went back for the hotel.
“You let me know if you need anything,” Slater said to his friend as they hugged.
Sin gave a brief nod.
I hugged Jordan goodbye and then I was alone with Sin.
He shrugged out of his jacket before walking over for the window. He crossed his arms and stared out. It was dark, except for the city light.
I came up behind him and lay my head against his back and put my arms around his waist. He put his hands over mine.
We stood there for a while before he turned to face me.
I reached up to touch his cheek. I loved him so much and to see him in any kind of pain was too much to bare.
“I love you,” I whispered. He needed to know that he wasn’t alone and I was in this with him. I would do whatever he needed.
“I love you too.”
He pressed a chaste kiss to my mouth before he leaned his forehead against mine.
“I feel like I failed her in some way.”
“You did everything you could. But sometimes, it’s not enough.” My voice wavered. It was difficult not to think back to how I had lost my parents. “You know every day was a struggle for her. She was in so much pain.”
“I don’t want to leave her Tay.”
The pain in his voice gripped my heart.
“She will always be with you,” I whispered, fighting my own emotions. Trying to be strong for him. “She’ll live on in here.” I placed my hand over his heart. His hand covered mine.
I was thankful they had at least had the time to make peace and form some sort of relationship before it was too late. Some people never got that.
“I wish I could take your pain away. I would do anything to stop it,” I whispered to him. “Anything.”
I swallowed. He lifts his forehead from me. For a few moments he stared at me.
“I just want to forget for just a little bit,” he murmured. His attention on my lips.
I knew what he wanted but I waited for him to make the move.
His mouth lowered to brush against my lips. I put my hands against his chest trying to hold myself back so he could control how and what unfolded.
His kiss grew firmer and he dipped his tongue between my lips. My hands threaded through his hair and I glided my tongue against his.
When he lifted his mouth from mine I stared up at him trying to read what was going on in his mind but it was like something switched in him and his mouth was on mine again. His touch demanding and fierce.
I held onto his shoulders and he picked me up. He lay me down on the bed and then he was kissing me again. His hands skimmed over my stomach to my the button of my jeans and he undid it before slipping his hand into my underwear. I held onto him as he traced my sex. Shamelessly, I was more the ready for him.
He stood to help remove my shoes and jeans before he pulled my underwear down my thighs. Then he rejoined me. My hands went to his jeans and undid them. He moved them to free himself and he kissed me as I felt him spread my thighs. I groaned as he filled me with one quick thrust.
This was pure sex. I held onto him as he rocked into me with an urgency that felt like he was trying to escape the pain that wouldn’t shake free. I gasped as I came. My mouth found his as he stiffened and grunted as he came.