Maria had already left for the day when I wondered downstairs to find her. It meant I would have to wait for the next day to speak to her. I hated having to wait but I had no choice, I doubted anyone else would give me the information I wanted.

I didn’t have much of an appetite that night and when Angel never showed up I felt so alone. Had I been naive to believe that being married to him would change things? I hated to admit that I had hoped and I was left disappointed that nothing seemed to have changed.

Or was he avoiding me because of my interest in his dead brother?

That night as I lay in bed I waited for Angel to come to bed but sometime later on that evening I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning I saw that Angel hadn’t even come to bed. Where had he slept?

Why would he treat me this way for just asking about his deceased brother? Surely this was overreacting.

I pulled on a robe, determined to have words with him as I left our bedroom. It had only been our second night together has a married couple and we were not off to a good start.

My anger rose as I descended the stairs and headed for the closed door of his study.

I didn’t bother knocking. I walked straight in to find him sitting at his desk working as usual.

“Morning,” he said without even looking up the document he was reading.

“Morning? Is that all I get?” I put my hands on my hips. I couldn’t believe he was acting like he hadn’t just avoided all night.

He looked up. “Is there something else you need?” He was being distant and it was driving me nuts.

“Yes, I want to know what happened to your brother and why you won’t tell me.” My chest rose and fell with each angry breath.

He leaned back in his chair and studied me. “He died. There is nothing else to say about it Kira.”

I frowned. “How did he die?”

His features remained cold. “He died in a car accident.” His voice held no emotion, it felt so strange. When I spoke of my mother’s death I couldn’t keep myself emotionless.

That was all? Why had it been so difficult for him to share the details?

“How old was he?”

“Eighteen.”

Just a few years younger than me. The anger that had brought me into his study dissipated.

“How old were you when he died?” I found myself asking.

“I was nine.”

My heart broke for him in that moment. He was probably too young to really understand the loss of a loved one.

In part it also explained why I didn’t really have any memories of it. I knew Angel at the time but I would have been seven, far too young to understand what it would have meant.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling in that moment the loss of a person I had never met.

“It is what it is.” He shrugged.

“That’s why you understood…when my mom died.” It explained a lot.

He nodded but remained silent.

“What was his name?” I asked, feeling it was necessary to put a name to the brother I had never met.

“Julian,” he whispered.

I saw a flicker of pain in his eyes and wanted to hold him until it passed but I wasn’t sure if my need to comfort him would be welcome so I remained where I stood across from him with his desk between us.

“I’m sorry,” I said, needing him to know that I felt his pain.

“Talking about it does nothing but bring up bad memories Kira.” He stood. “And I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

I nodded. I could respect that. He had answered all the questions I had.

“And I don’t know why any of this matters to you.” His eyes held mine, they were distrustful.

“Because you matter to me.” I wasn’t sure what had made me reveal that much, I knew nothing good would come of it. Especially from the man who didn’t feel that same way about me.

At least I hadn’t told him I loved him. I had held some of it back.

“That doesn’t mean you get to demand things from me Kira.” He walked around the desk to stand in front of me. “Our marriage doesn’t entitle you to anything. Do you understand?”

I had over stepped some sort of line and he was firmly putting me back in place. It hurt. And it was a reminder, he couldn’t find out that I was in love with him.

“Does the same go for you?” I asked, feeling riled up now that my concern had been spurned and I was hurting.

“I know everything about you Kira. You don’t have any secrets.”

He was wrong. I held the most important secret, my love for him. I swallowed.

“If this marriage is going to work you’re going to have to let me in. You can’t keep me at a distance.” I hoped my words would reach him and get him to see if we stayed on the path we were on, our marriage wouldn’t last.

“Our arrangement will work just fine Kira, it has to. Your life depends on it.”

I frowned. He had replaced the word marriage with arrangement, and it spoke volumes. It said everything he wasn’t.

He didn’t view our marriage as a real one, it was only an arrangement to keep me safe. And that hit me in the chest making it harder to take a breath.

“Why do you care Angel?” I asked, trying to understand why he was going to so much trouble for someone he was set of keeping an emotional distance from. There had to be a reason and I had no idea what it was. “Why am I your problem? Why go to all these lengths to protect me?”

He didn’t love me. He cared in some capacity but I didn’t believe it was enough to go to the lengths he had to keep me safe. It didn’t make sense. Kaiden’s warning came to mind. Was there another reason for all of this?

He was silent.

And if there was? How did I figure it out? Was there even a way to find out?

My earlier confidence in him and our marriage vanished and now I was as suspicious as my brother.

“Kaiden believes you have an ulterior motive.” I studied him closely as I made the veiled accusation.

“Your brother is intent on causing as much trouble as he can between us. Perhaps you should be asking him why he is trying to screw up the only way to keep you safe. He is testing my patience.”

Was he trying to deflect the attention from himself to my brother? I trusted my brother and knew without a doubt he would only do what he believed was the best thing for me. The only problem was we disagreed on what was the best thing for me. I had believed it was marriage to Angel and Kaiden had believe it was going into the witness protection program.

“Why do you care? What do you get out of this?” I asked, refusing to let it go until he gave me the answers I was looking for.

“I told you before Kira. You’re family and I protect my family.”

I studied his features, trying to figure out what he wasn’t saying.

“I don’t believe you Angel. I think Kaiden is right. I think there is something else going on and you’re hiding something and I have no idea what.”

“Don’t be dramatic Kira.” He took hold of my wrist and lifted my hand to his lips. “I’ve always wanted you, even when I shouldn’t have.”

Was he talking about the night I threw myself at him and he had turned me down?

“We have good chemistry and marriage to you suits me. We both win with this arrangement. I keep you safe, we have amazing sex and you keep every starry eyed woman from believing I will complete their fairytale.”

So that was it? We were good in bed together? I felt a shiver of something, not liking how his assessment made me feel. It wasn’t like he had ever promised more but maybe my expectation had. I only had myself to blame for the position I was in now.

“Besides, I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you.” His voice graveled and there was a flutter of anticipation and dread in my stomach. I wanted him to want him but I also needed him to love me.

Is that why my brother believed there had to be more, he couldn’t believe someone could enter a marriage with such hollow reasons?

There was a certain amount of relief that there wasn’t some horrible reason for him to marry me but his true reason did hurt. It was just a physical thing between us and I had to remember that and keep my feelings for him in check otherwise it would destroy me.

His finger slid down my chest slowly, my skin tingled under his touch. No matter how I felt about him, there was no doubting that I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anyone. And that made me weak.

Everyday my thoughts chipped away at me, leaving me struggling each day. The balance of power had shifted into Angel’s advantage and I was in turn at a disadvantage.

It reminded me of my mother and what had happened to her. Her journals lay untouched. I still hadn’t worked up the courage to look through them.

There was a distance between us. He rarely came to bed and that left me more alone.

I went to the doctor and got myself onto some birth control. There was no way I wanted to bring a child into the mess I was trying to navigate my way through.

Then my Godmother, Claire, called. I didn’t have much in the way of family other than Kaiden but Claire I considered a part of my family.

“I thought you were dead,” she began the conversation. I knew better than to say anything over the phone so I suggested I go over to see her.

She had been very close to my mom, she was probably the one person who knew the contents of everything my mother had penned in her journals.

“Give me an hour to get ready and I’ll be over,” I said.

She agreed. I ended the call feeling excited to see Claire but nervous to tell her everything that had been going on. She and my mom had been close friends for as far back as I could remember. And without a mother figure Claire was as close as I got to a female role model.

The timing of her call wasn’t lost on me. Here I was struggling to go through my mom’s stuff and Claire calls to invite me over. Maybe this is exactly what I needed.

I was sitting in bed with my phone when Angel walked in. He was dressed in sweats and looked like he had just worked out.

Ever since I had broached the subject of his dead sibling there had been a coolness between us that I hadn’t been able to breach. I didn’t know how to get back the closeness we had experienced before and I missed it.

I had filled my emptiness with shopping and target practice. I was never going to be a crack shot but I could at least hit what I was aiming at. Angel had put James in charge of over seeing my target practice, putting more distance between us.

He paid no attention to me as he entered the bathroom. Then I heard him turn on the shower.

I so badly wanted to fix what I had broken between us. It had been the longest week.

Being ignored by my new husband was getting to me which was made worse by my feelings for him.

I dragged myself out of bed to find something to wear for my visit with Claire.

I was in between trying an outfit, dressed only in my underwear when Angel, wearing a suit, appeared in the doorway.

“You going somewhere today?” he asked.

It was the first time he had even acknowledged my presence in the last few days. And I hated how desperate I was for his attention.

“Yes.” I have a one arm shrug unable to fight the urge to rile him up. “When I’m not getting any attention from my husband, I have to look for it elsewhere don’t I Angel?”

It worked exactly how I intended. His featured tensed as he approached me. “You wouldn’t dare?”

“Are you sure about that?” I countered. He was right, I wouldn’t but I wasn’t going to admit that to him.

For the first time in a good long while I had his attention and that’s what I wanted more than anything.

He stalked closer, filling the room as my eyes held his. I refused to back down and he came to a stop.

“I know what you’re doing Kira,” he said, still angry.

I basked in his attention, hating that I would take it any way I got it.

“What am I doing Angel?” I lifted my chin in defiance.

“You’re spoiling for a fight.” He lifted his hand to brush his thumb across my bottom lip as his eyes fixated on the movement. I was transfixed.

When he touched me, everything else ceased to exist. There was only us.

I hated how he made me weak for him but I couldn’t stop myself even if I tried.

“If you want my attention Kira, all you have to do its ask for it,” he murmured, the anger I had riled up in him only moments ago seemed to have abated.

I wanted more than his attention, I wanted his lips on mine, his hands exploring me. I couldn’t think of anything else.

Is this what love did? Was I blind to everything else other than my need for him? It should have scared me into taking a step back and breaking his contact with me but I couldn’t. The power of what I felt and needed from him was too strong to fight.

I wanted to kiss him to have him but the stubborn streak of independence kept me from giving in. I was only hanging on by a thread but I refused to comply.

His mouth hovered above mine but made no contact.

“Remember Angel. If my needs are met within this marriage, they will be met outside of it.” I used the same words he had used on me.

It was enough to push him into action. His mouth crushed mine and his hands pulled me to him.

All that mattered was him and what he was doing to me. His hands held me in place as his mouth explored mine, with deliberate action and unrestrained anger.

I held on to him, needing to anchor myself as my senses focussed purely on his touch.

He kissed me so hard, my lips felt a little bruised. My back was against the wall and his hands lifted my dress and curled around my panties before pulling them down my thighs.

I didn’t even have a moment to take what was happening in when his mouth was on mine before. My grip on his shoulders intensified as I tried to keep up with him. His tongue darting into my mouth with a possessiveness that took my breath away. I linked my arms around his neck. His hands worked his belt and trousers. Then he was lifting me and I wrapped my legs around him.

Then he stopped suddenly. “Tell me this is what you want Kira.”

My legs tightened on his hips and my mouth touched his but he refused to give in.

I had no choice. “I want this,” I breathed.

His mouth sealed over mine as he thrust deep into me in one swift motion. I gasped, feeling complete now that our bodies were fused together.

Each movement I savored. The only sound was our heavy breath and I groaned when his lips touched my neck as I arched into him.

His movements were hard and fast, my hips in sink with his movements prolonging every motion of his body into mine.

Again and again, until I gasped when I came. It washed over me while he pounded into me, gripping my hips, imprinting his fingers into my skin. And I loved it, needed it.

The possessiveness of his touch gave me what his heart couldn’t.

Then he came. His body shuddered into mine and I held him for a moment giving into the love I felt for him. It felt so right, I could have died right then and never been happier.

His breathing was hard while I tried to catch mine.

It was then the reality came drifting back in. When the warmth of his embrace began to seep away, every doubt and self doubt returned.

He released me slowly and I leaned against the wall as he redressed. He handed me back my panties and I held them as I watched him.

“Don’t threaten me Kira, you’ll be the one to lose.”

And with that he turned and left. I stood unable to move, watching him leave.

My mood changed from ecstasy to self hate in a matter of seconds. For years I had feared allowing a man to dominate me like my mother had been dominated and here I was allowing Angel to do that to me.

My love for him made me weak and I didn’t know how to change that, or even if there was a way to.

I felt hopeless. Utterly hopeless.

How could I allow this to happen? How could I be okay with this? I had seen how it had destroyed my mother and knew it would destroy me if I didn’t find a way to stop it.

I slid down the wall and pulled my knees to my chest. I could still feel him on me, inside me and I had never felt more alone.

Feeling overwhelmed, I sniffled and brushed a tear away.

This wasn’t me, this wasn’t who I was.

I had to find a way back to the girl who wouldn’t have allowed him to get away with treating me like this. Is this how my mom had felt before she died? Had she know, or had she been oblivious to it until it was too late?

I had to do something before it was too late for me.