“Get up.” The voice demanded.

Why was it so bright? I opened an eye and closed it quickly against the glare. The light in my bedroom was on. Something soft landed in my face. It was a shirt.

“Now, Kira.” The voice continued his demands.

While I sat up I rubbed my eyes trying to figure out what was going on.

“You’re late.”

I opened my eyes again but this time they had adjusted to the bright light and I could see the face of my tormentor. It was James. He was standing in the middle of my room. Looking less than happy.

“What time is it?” I reached for my phone.

“Ten past four.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, stumbling out of bed.

“You have five minutes,” he said before turning his heel and walking out of my room.

How could I have overslept? I chastised myself as I got dressed as quickly as possible and brushed my teeth. I didn’t even have time to run a brush through my hair so I tight it up in a messy knot.

James was pacing by the front door as I descended the stairs.

“Next time you’re late our arrangement is over.” His tone was level but serious.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled again, feeling like I was messing up on everything.

The lack of sleep and sleeping with Angel for a second time had tied me up in knots. I hadn’t slept well for the remainder of the evening once I had gathered my clothes quietly while Angel had showered. By the time he had finished I had been back in my own room trying to figure out the point I had lost all control with him. The point at which I should have stopped myself. But I came to the realization that I couldn’t have.

I had decided the best course of action would be to avoid him at all costs especially when he was close. That’s when he was his most dangerous.

James seemed to be a lot less patient with me and was a lot more demanding than he had been before. It didn’t help that I was feeling emotional vulnerable and physical tired.

“You need to concentrate,” he said as I tried to aim the gun. My aim was slightly improving although I was far off being a crack shot. Hired assassin was not in my future job possibilities.

When I fired the gun and I didn’t hit the target once James shook his head. “This isn’t working.” He took the gun from me.

“I’m trying,” I told him, afraid he would stop helping me.

“Not everyone is built for this Kira.”

That didn’t make me feel better in any way. I was in this life with no choice in it, I needed this to be able to survive.

“I need this James.” I hated how emotional I sounded.

He stopped what he was doing to study me for a moment. “Fine. Let’s try some self defense.”

He put the gun away and led me to a different room where there was a gym mat.

The thought of going up against someone as big as James gave me a moment of panic but I ignored it. I had to be able to protect myself. If I was ever in a situation where I could use this it would be worth it. And there was a part of me that hoped by improving my physical strength it would translate in a stronger mental strength.

At the moment I felt so vulnerable in both and I knew I wouldn’t last if it didn’t improve.

Last night with Angel had been a prime example of how weak I was emotionally. I had felt so connected with him in a physical way it and translated to an emotional level that had been knocked when he had brushed it off so easily like it hadn’t mattered at all.

Even when I thought of it now, it still hit me like a punch to the gut.

James went through some moves to ward off some scenarios, like being grabbed from behind. I wasn’t in any way prepared when he grabbed me and pulled me off my feet.

“What do you do now?” he asked, my attempts to wiggle free was nothing against his vice like grip.

“I don’t know.”

He showed me how to get myself free with some well placed elbows and kicks.

When he released me I was breathing hard.

“There is one important thing I think you need to learn,” he said, taking a zip tie from his pocket.

There would be only one reason he would want to show me this and I swallowed as I started at the item in his hand.

“Is that really necessary.” My voice broke as I lifted my eyes to his.

He nodded. “It’s just a precaution.”

He would only need to show this to me if he was concerned someone might try and take me. That scared me more than anything that I had learnt up to now. It was logical but it hit me hard. Would there ever be a time I would feel safe again? Or would I have to learn to live with the fear that someone would always be out to do me harm?

“Give me your hands,” he instructed.

I put my hands out to him and he put the zip tie around my wrists. He tightened my hands together in front of me.

“This is quite easy to get out of if they put them on in front,” he said, like he was talking about the weather. I didn’t want to think of a situation where they put them on behind my back. The thought nearly brought me out in a cold sweat.

“Lift your hands high above your head.” He mimicked his hands together and held his above his head. I followed his instruction.

“Bring it down to your waist as quickly as you can.” He showed me and he brought his hands down quickly and pulled his arms to the sides of his waist.

I frowned a little as I looked up to my hands still tie. I wasn’t sure this was going to work but I was going to do as he told me.

My first attempt didn’t work.

“You need to do it faster.”

I tried again and this time the force broke the zip tie. I was free.

“See it wasn’t that hard.”

My confidence inflated with the accomplishment. It wasn’t much but at least I had got something right.

“I did it,” I murmured, never truly believing it would actually work.

I had just learnt a very valuable thing I would always remember.

“Thank you James.”

He gave me a brief nod. “You might not thank me for your next task.”

It wasn’t a good sign if he was saying that but I tried no to let it deflate the confidence I had gained. I needed it more than anything else right now.

“What’s the next task?” I asked.

“Come,” he ordered and I followed him from the gym room to another one off the corridor. This was a smaller room and what I saw stopped me in my tracks.

There was nothing in the room other than a hook that hung from the ceiling. A body of a dead pig hung from it. The sight turned my stomach.

I didn’t want any part of this. Not one bit. But I couldn’t back out, if I did James wouldn’t continue to help me.

I closed my eyes briefly taking a deep breath before I opened my eyes again.

James bent down and removed a knife from a holder on his calf.

My instinct was to back out as quickly as I could and never do this again but the logical part of me knew that I had to do this, no matter what.

“Not only do you need to feel comfortable with a gun, it would be prudent to show you how to handle a knife.”

It was one thing shooting someone with a gun at a few feet, it was an entirely different thing stabbing someone. It was more intimate and a lot more difficult.

I felt myself waver for a moment as I took a step back.

He held out the knife to my, handle in my direction. I looked at it trying to build up the courage to take it from him.

You got to do this. I told myself, trying to hype myself to do something I never would have even considered doing before. I would only use this in the type of situation where my life was on the line. It could mean the difference between living and dying. It was that thought that made me move closer and take the knife.

He went through all the best parts on the human body to stab to incapacitate an opponent. My stomach turned more times than I could count. But the worst part was when he told me to stab the pig. I approach it slowly, hating the thought of the dead animal.

“Pigs have the same consistency of flesh that we have.”

I closed my eyes briefly, fighting against the urge to throw up. I was feeling queasy already and this was not helping.

I aimed the knife randomly into the pig. The feel of the tissue giving way under the knife and I looked away.

It was by far the worst thing he had made me do and I hated every moment of it.

After I finished with James I went back to my room and crawled under the covers. I was feeling pretty low and the lack of sleep was too much to deal with. I ended up drifting off to sleep.

It was late morning when I woke, I got up and showered. On my way to breakfast I noticed there was a lot of activity. It was strange that there were men going through some of the rooms, including Angel’s study.

I saw Jack. “What’s going on?” I asked.

“We sweep the house regularly for bugs and things like that.”

It was another reminder of what was considered normal in a life of crime, constantly worrying about law enforcement infiltrating. You had to worry about the good guys as well as the bad guys.

“Do they ever find any?” It was curiosity that made me ask the question.

“No. It’s more of a precaution.”

Well that was good, wasn’t it? I never remembered his father doing that.

“Where is Angel anyway?” I asked, not seeing him around.

“I don’t usually have any details about his schedule but I did see him head out.”

After telling me they needed to discuss wedding details he was a no show. Typical. Last night it had been so important and now it wasn’t.

The thought of staying and watching strangers sweep the house stressed me out so I decided it was better to go out. Besides at some point I had to start looking at wedding dresses.

At the third bridal shop I was on my fourth glass of champagne and more than slightly tipsy. I had tried on four dresses but none of them had felt right. I don’t know why I cared, I should just pick one and get it over and done with. It wasn’t like it meant anything.

“We have selected some of our best dresses,” the lady helping me announced.

Jack had not only played the part of my bodyguard, his job today included giving his opinion on ever dress I tried on. He was a typical guy and thought they were all beautiful, so he was no help at all.

It also made me a little emotional that I was doing something that my mother should have been here to do with me and the fact that she wasn’t tinged the whole experience with sadness.

I tried on a couple but it was the third that touched me in a way the others hadn’t. It was simple satin with spaghetti straps with a revealing cleavage, tight waist and ended at my ankles. It was beautiful and subtle. There was no beading, lace or frills. No pretense.

Jack was looking bored but when I walked out he straightened up. His expression said everything and he gave me the thumbs up and he smiled. He only confirmed what I already felt. It was the dress I had been looking for. Or maybe he was just relieved I had chosen something. Maybe I would have chosen something more extravagant but it was perfect for loveless wedding to Angel.

“I’ll take it,” I told the saleswoman hovering nearby.

At least the dress was taken care of. I had completed one important task.

When we got back to the house there was a buzz of activity, it was unusual to say the least. I went to the study and knocked. The alcohol I had been sipping for the last couple of hours had relaxed me and I was ready to share the news that I had chosen a wedding dress. Angel had been so insistent on moving forward with the wedding plans, it would be a step in the right direction.

“Come in,” Angel said. My stomach fluttered at the sound of his voice. It was disconcerting.

When I entered James and Angel were standing by his desk. They looked like they had been in a deep discussion just before I had arrived.

“Everything all right?” I couldn’t help feel the tension that still hung in the air. There was something going on.

“What do you need Kira?” Angel’s voice was harsh. It put my back up straight away, killing any happiness I had earned from picking a dress I was going to marry him in.

My smile fell. “It’s fine. It’s not important.” I retreated, closing the door. I took a shaky breath before I turned my heel and headed out of the house.

Feeling hurt that I had been spoken to like that and I hadn’t done anything wrong made me go up to my room and close the door. I couldn’t seem to do anything right. Maybe I was just too sensitive and taking everything too personally.

I was supposed to move my stuff into Angel’s room but it was the last thing I wanted to do. I would have rather have moved all my things right out of his house.

Feeling despondent I went to have dinner. I was alone as usual. Was this what my life was going to be like? I didn’t have much of an appetite so I pushed my plate back and left the dining room to head back to my room.

I got ready for bed, determined not to follow Angel’s instruction to move into his bedroom. It was something I wasn’t ready to do. Besides he seemed to be so preoccupied with work that he probably wouldn’t even notice.

It was later and I was still wide awake lying in bed staring at the ceiling in the dark. Sleep hadn’t come which left me alone with all my insecurities and vulnerabilities. How was it that problems always seemed so much worse at night than they did in the light of day?

I heard Angel when he came upstairs and I turned onto my side while watching my bedroom door. I don’t know if I was hoping he would notice I wasn’t there or not. I had mixed emotions. Maybe, right then, I needed to know that someone missed me in some capacity, even if it wasn’t declarations of love.

But I held very little hope due to Angel’s mood from earlier on. His footsteps disappeared until I couldn’t hear them and I sighed. No one even cared, even if it was him.

I don’t know why it hit me so much, maybe I was feeling low and the alcohol had only amplified everything I lacked in my life right now. I let out a heavy sigh.

Feeling tired, I let my eyelids lower. Then I heard Angel’s footsteps. When they stopped outside my door I opened my eyes. He opened the door and switched on the light.

“Get up,” he commanded, he was angry.

I held my covers up to my chest as I sat up. “What are you doing here?”

He walked over and lifted me off the bed. I tried to struggle but his arms held me in place as he took me the short distance to his room and dropped me on his bed.

“You can’t just man handle me to do what you want Angel.” I was angry but there was also an feeling of something else I didn’t want to look closer at.

He took of his jacket and I tried to move off the bed. “I’m warning you Kira, one foot off that bed and you will regret it.” He turned to face me and I stilled.

“You are going to be my wife and you will share my bed. There sooner you get used to that the better. This attention seeking behavior has to stop Kira.” He studied me and I lowered my gaze from his.

Was he right? Did I act this way to get his attention? I folded my arms and I swallowed as I lifted my resentful gaze to his.

“You don’t need to flirt or play hard to get. It’s a waste of time, I’m going to be your husband, you have me already.” He sounded so business like and I realized that I needed more. This would never work if he was going to treat this like some business arrangement. Marriages needed more, or maybe it was me who needed more.

“But do I really?” I asked. “I never see you. You never do anything with me and I spend more time with my bodyguard than I do with you.”

“What do you want from me Kira?” he asked. He sounded tired.

“I know this whole thing is to keep me safe but I need to know someone actually cares about me. I need to know I matter.”

“If you’re looking for declarations of love you won’t get them here.”

It was the last thing I was expecting from him. I just needed to know someone was with me in this, that I wasn’t alone. He really knew how to batter my heart when it was already feeling raw.

He moved closer to the edge of the bed. “I went to great lengths to keep you safe Kira. That alone should show that you matter.”

It wasn’t exactly what I had been wanting to hear but it was the best he could do. I nodded. I needed more but he didn’t understand that. Was there any point in putting them into words or trying to make him understand?