I tossed and turned.

You are something special. The phrase kept cycling through my mind again and again.

I flipped onto my back and sighed in frustration. What was wrong with me?

Everything was going well. I liked Joey and he liked me. We were dating. I was happy.

Why on earth was my mind fixated on an expression he had said to? Like it was a key to something more, something very important. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake.

In the early hours I got up, unable to try to sleep any longer. I made some warm milk and sat nursing it downstairs at the kitchen table. It was still dark outside.

I had a few hours before Joey would be arriving to pick me up for school. I was tired and annoyed. Why couldn’t I calm my mind? Why did I have the feeling I was in the cusp of something?

I closed my eyes and regulated my breathing. If I could just calm my mind, and keep my agitation at bay, maybe I could allow myself to remember what my mind was trying to.

You are something special. The words spilled across my mind. Joey’s voice echoed the words.

I took a deep breath and released it slowly. Inhale, exhale. I was calm, my mind focussed on those words. You are something special. Again and again.

But no matter how much I tried I couldn’t figure out why that phrase bugged me. It was like I was trying to recollect a moment that wasn’t there.

I sighed, propping my chin in my hands as I started out of the window, watching the sunrise.

Everything was going well in my life. There was Joey. I smiled, remembering our kiss. My cheeks heated and I felt a flutter of excitement.

Was that it? Did I expect things to go wrong when things were going too well? Was I somehow trying to sabotage myself?

No. I decided. I wouldn’t do it.

If I finally had a chance to be happy I was going to take the opportunity with both hands and not question it.

After I finished my milk I went back up to my room to see if I could get a little more sleep but my mind was too wired with thoughts to shut off.

I yawned as I rushed to get ready in time for Joey. I was already waiting for him when he knocked on the front door.

“You okay?” he asked when I yawned for the third time in the first five minutes of the journey to school.

“I didn’t get much sleep last night.” I kept my explanation vague. If I couldn’t understand why I just could let the idea go that I was missing something, something important. How could I expect him to?

“Why?”

His question hung in the air while I contemplated my answer.

“I don’t know.”

It was best to not to reveal the truth. I didn’t want him to think I was crazy.

He took my hand in his and I sighed, content.

I wanted him to kiss me again. The brief press of his lips on mine at my front door was not enough. I wanted to kiss like we had yesterday.

“If you have something you need to talk about I’m here,” Joey offered, with a glance in my directions. Our eyes meeting for the briefest moment.

I studied him, actually contemplating telling him the truth before I realized how crazy it would sound and decided against starting our relationship off like that.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you yesterday.” It was a part truth. Enough to divert him from the truth.

He smiled which did strange things indeed me.

“Same.”

Did he think about our kiss? Had I been good enough? I had never kissed before. The lack of experience made me wonder if he had enjoyed it as much as I had.

“Was it good?” I asked, needing some sort of feedback.

“Are you serious?” he asked.

I nodded. “Remember, it’s something I’d never done before yesterday.”

His hand held mine tighter. “You were perfect.”

My heart warmed at the compliment.

I held my breath as his eyes met mine. I found myself staring at his lips wondering if it would feel like that every time.

We arrived at school and Joey parked the car before turning to face me.

“I don’t think you know how much I like you Tessa. I’ve never felt like this for anyone.”

His words bolstered my confidence.

“Same.”

He smiled before leaning over to kiss me.

I wondered around school for the morning, unable to think of anything else but him.

I hurried to my locker in between classes to swap a book when I caught sight of a guy walking down the hallways in the sea of students.

For a reason I couldn’t explain there was something familiar about him. I wracked my brain but couldn’t seem to recall him at all. But I couldn’t dismiss it. There was something there.

I got the book I needed and closed my locker intent on following the guy but he was gone.

That was strange I thought to myself.

For the rest of the day I kept looking through the crowds trying to spot that guy I had seen earlier. But I couldn’t find him.

The brief moment played on my mind.

“You’re somewhere else,” Joey said, breaking through my thoughts.

I sighed trying to stop myself from focussing on something that was probably nothing. I dismissed it, determined to enjoy my developing feelings for the boy who sat across from me.

Parker. The thought of his best friend jolted in my mind. The boy who had died so suddenly, it had hit his friends and family hard.

Why on earth was I thinking about him now? I fixed a smile, masking my internal thoughts.

“Nope. I’m here.” I gave him my full attention.

Joey’s hand interlinked with mine. “You seemed to deep in thought. You sure there isn’t something you want to share?”

I shook my head. “Honestly, it’s nothing. I thought I saw someone I recognized. That’s it.”

I shrugged, dismissing it as important.

“You just seem a little out of sorts…recently.”

Maybe I hadn’t been that good at covering up what I was going through. I bit my lil as contemplated telling him the truth but quickly realised how difficult it would be when I couldn’t explain it myself.

I could see the headline already. Girl who lost entire family suffers mental meltdown.

“I’m fine. In fact I’m better than fine.” I liked the warmth of his hand holding mine. “I feel hopeful,” I breathed. “I haven’t felt that way in…well I can’t remember the last time I felt that way.”

He studied me. “You’ve been through a lot.”

I knew he was referring to the loss of my family. I felt a twist of pain in my chest, renewing the memories of loss but I refused to allow the sadness to sweep away the little happiness I had just found.

“Bad things happen to people everyday and they find a way to get through it.”

Most people didn’t lose their entire families in a car accident caused by a father whose mental health had pushed him into extreme measures to deal with it. Like killing himself and his family in the process.

I scanned our surroundings to be sure no one was within earshot. “I can’t let what happened to me to become more important than living.” I dropped my voice to a whisper. “Otherwise I might as well just give up.”

The heaviness in my chest reminded me that despite years since the accident, it could still affect me so strongly. The big difference was, the usual contempt I felt toward my father wasn’t there any longer. When I thought about him now I felt a sense of sadness at his actions and a feeling that perhaps if I had been older I might have been able to see how sick he was. And maybe I could have stopped the tragedy. But it was a waste of time. I couldn’t change what happened so it was a waste of time.

He took my hand into his.

“You are stronger than you realize Tessa. Most people would never have recovered from what happened to you.”

“I had to. Giving up wasn’t an option. My grandmother so much pain and loss. I couldn’t add to it by being selfish and thinking only about myself.” I sighed softly. “I’m not brave, I just love my grandmother.”