Joey was silent.

“No no no,” I whispered, afraid he was gone.

I grabbed his arm and tried to shake him awake. “Joey,” I said loudly over the rushing water that was fast approaching my chest.

He didn’t open his eyes or answer. He remained still.

No. This couldn’t not be happening. Not again.

My mother. My sister. And my father.

The memories weighted my limbs, and weakening any hope I had. I’d been through this before. I hadn’t been able to get out on my own.

Panic as the water level rose, tilting the car forward slightly. I tried the door but couldn’t get it to open. The window was half way down. It would be enough for me to slip through.

I looked to Joey. I tried one more time to try and shake him awake but it was useless. For all I knew, he could be dead.

The half open window beckoned to me but I remained inside the car. Did I want to survive?

I began to tear up, fighting the pain of losing another person in tragic circumstances. The memory of me in the back seat of the car, surrounded my family as I contemplated escape through a small opening of the window. My family would not survive, I would be the only one.

I remember the exact moment I let go of the hope, and sealed my fate in the memory. The starkness of the choice I made.

Back in the present, I began to shake as the coldness of the water surround me. I took Joey’s hand in mine.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, feeling that somehow this was my fault. I had to be responsible for it in some way.

Tears slid down my face as I chocked up. I squeezed Joey’s hand in mine.

I would not mourn another person.

Having made my choice I stilled in the water, trying to stave the instinct to panic and search for a way out.

Then something happened. It pulsed inside me, spreading through me. Then I remembered the feeling, it was the realization that I was responsible even if situation not of my own doing.

Every choice had a consequence. There would be a consequence for this choice as well.

The water level reached above my lips. I was very aware I was running out of time.

I had a thought, it was so out of place and foreign. Did I want other live through another consequence? I had no idea what that meant as the thought took hold. There was no logic or reasoning to my thoughts.

All I knew was that I could not stay still. I could not die here.

Instantly I moved to the window. The water level higher. I took a gulp of air, determined to survived as I began to move myself slowly through the window, trying not panic and knowing if I did not succeed I would die.

I moved my hips at an angle wiggle slowly through the window. The fear that I would not fit despite my attempt was forefront in my mind.

The moment I got out I surfaced to take a been gulp of air as the car submerged into the water.

Joey.

I didn’t know if he was still even alive but I could not leave him. I took another gulp of water and held my breath as I dove back in. The car was totally under water as I headed to the driver’s side and yanked at the door. It would not budge.

Please, I begged in my mind. I had to save him.

I pulled at the handle with all my strength, hoping and prayed that it would open. And just as I began to think I would not be able to help Joey, the door opened.

I didn’t waste a moment, my lungs already burning for air. I moved joey out of car and put my arm around his chest to pull him to the surface.

The moment I broke through the surface I took a long breath and held onto Joey, ensuring to keep his head above water as I swam to the edge of lake.

I was socked and it was difficult to maneuver Joey onto the sand. He was dead weight and I struggled to move him.

I couldn’t not give up. I would not give up.

After I managed to drag the top half out of the water, I moved to tilt his head back and covered his mouth with mine, blowing air into him before I started compressions on his chest.

“Please,” I whispered.

I couldn’t mourn another loss. Even though I had not know Joey for that long, he meant something to me. Something, I could not lose.

I don’t know how I remembered to do CPR but I just gave myself over to instinct. Battling to bring him back.

Saving him was all the mattered.

I pinched his nose closed and tilting his head slightly back before pushing another desperate breath into him. Water dripped from my matted hair onto his face but he did not wake.

Please don’t die. I thought to myself. I couldn’t say the words out loud for fear that he would not wake and despite all my attempts, I had not been able to save him.

I don’t know how long I continued to try and save him. I could not give up. It was not an option.

Tears began to slide down my face. I could not lose him.

“Please Joey, please don’t die.” My voice hoarse with emotion.

But no matter how long I tried I could not save him.

Finally on my knees beside him I stopped and began cry.

His eyes were closed. He looked like he was sleeping. The only indication that there was anything amiss was the light blueness of his lips.

“I’m sorry…” I hiccuped, sobbing. “I couldn’t save you.”

I blamed myself. Pushing my hair out of my face, I sat. Broken, emotional, and feeling more guilt that I had ever felt before.

Had I been more aware of my surroundings, instead of being stuck in my thoughts I could have done things differently. Maybe jumped into action quicker and had been able to save him.

I reached out and touched his cheek. His skin was cold a reminder that he was gone. I had failed him and myself in some way.

I sobbed, harder.

I didn’t want to face the truth, I couldn’t face the fact that although I had survived. Joey had not.

Shivering, I stayed beside him unable to accept the truth.

I took his hand him mine and warmed it. I could not let go.

“I can’t do this on my own,” I whispered, feeling emotional and scared at the same time. “I can’t.”

Closing my eyes, I held onto his hand and prayed harder than I ever had before.

His hand moved in mine. At first it was so slight I thought I had imagined it. My eyes flew open to see him splutter up water and I hurriedly turned him onto his side to help.

“You’re fine,” I murmured softly, hardly able to believe it myself.

I had been convinced he was dead, and that I had failed and here he was breathing again.

He tried to sit up but couldn’t.

“Take it easy,” I said softly.

He looked confused and his features pale but his lips were no longer blue. I felt so relieved in that moment.

“Are you okay?” I asked, not sure how long he had been in the water before I had gotten him out and breathing again.

“What happened?” he asked, bewildered as he lay on the ground.

“We had an accident,” I answered. I couldn’t even remember exactly what happened or what had caused it.

I had been too deep in my thoughts and confusion to be able to remember.

“Where’s the car?” he asked still trying to piece what happened.

“In the water.”

He frowned as I searched his features. He had never looked more handsome than he did in that moment.

“I can’t remember any of it,” he revealed.

“You’re here with me. That’s all that matters.”

We were both alive, surviving what I had believed an impossible situation.

The calm waters of the lake hid the horror of what we had both just been through.

His hand squeezed mine.

“We’ll be okay.” For the first time I believed it.