I yawned as I waited outside my house for Damien. Last night instead of getting any sleep I had studied my ceiling trying to figure out the best way to tell Joey what I had done. The problem was there was no good way to break that type of news.

The sound of a door opening made me look to the house next door to see Damien exit the house. He strolled to his car like he didn’t have a worry in the world, while mine felt like it was shaken to the ground.

It made me more resentful. But I reminded myself I was not going to let him get to me. Indifference was the only way to deal with him and I was going to do my best to ignore him.

When he pulled up in front of me I made a concerted effort to smother my feelings and get in. I didn’t want to be in the car with him or at school with Joey. It would have been a better idea to call in sick but it would have just delayed the inevitable and I owed Joey the truth, even if it hurt.

I closed the door, keeping my gaze directly in front of me and not on the driver of the car.

“Seatbelt,” he reminded.

I rolled my eyes and did as he asked.

He turned up the music and pulled away while I looked everywhere but at him.

It was not so easy to ignore him when I was in a confined space with him. His care smelled like him. I snuck a look at him under my eyelashes. The sight of him stirred something inside me. While he seemed to be relaxed all I could think about was the kissed we shared. Our mouths fused together. My stomach dipped at the memory.

I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to want him but it was becoming more difficult to deny.

Indifference, I reminded myself and made myself look away from him.

The closer we got to school the more anxious I got.

I felt Damien’s gaze on me but I refused to look at him. My hands tightened on my bag that was resting on my lap.

Joey. That’s all I could think about. I had been going over and over in my mind, trying to find the right words to lessen the blow but the truth was, there wasn’t a good way to do this.

I had to take responsibility for my actions, even though it was going to hurt someone I cared for deeply.

“Why do you look like someone kicked your puppy?” Damien’s voice broke through my thoughts.

I dropped my gaze, refusing to answer.

He seemed to ignore me after that, tapping the steering wheel in beat with the music. I was hyperaware of him and every movement.

When we entered the school gates and he parked the car I was already looking for Joey in amongst the students loitering in the front of the school. The sooner I told him the truth the better. My hands tightened their hold on my bag, my knuckles turning white.

“Not that I’m not a fan of your silent treatment but are you going to tell me why you are so worked up this morning,” Damien drawled.

Irritated and worked up I glared at him but he didn’t seem to be perturbed at all. In fact, he looked perfect.

Feeling so many emotions it was difficult to think straight. On one hand I wanted to slap him and the other I wanted to kiss him which only intensified the guilt of betraying Joey. I exhaled some of the pent up emotion.

I swallowed, trying to work through my anger. It was on the tip of my tongue to release a scathing remark but I could not pass the blame. He had been the one to initiate the kiss but I had done nothing to stop him. I had kissed him back.

I shook my head and got out the car, slamming the door closed. I could hear the high pitched girls gathering outside his door as I made my way to the entrance of the school, scanning for any sight of Joey.

There was a part of me that hoped I wouldn’t see him. It would give me a temporary reprieve.

Then I spotted Joey. He smiled at me and my heart dropped.

I wanted to be anywhere else but there. My footsteps felt so heavy and I stopped. He came up to me. “Hey.”

“Hey,” I gave him a breathless greeting. My heart beating rapidly.

All the courage I had managed to gather seemed to evaporate. He kissed me briefly on the lips. I felt guilt, so much guilt. It felt like I was drowning in it.

Could he see it?

“You were quiet last night,” he murmured as he put his arm around me and we started walking into the school.

I trembled but smiled trying to hide my inner turmoil. “Sorry. I was tired.”

The truth was I had not been able to reply to his messages because I had been wrestling with telling him the truth. It had consumed me totally, leaving no room to pretend.

“You sure,” he asked, coming to a stop.

I nodded. I wanted everything to be fine but it wasn’t. What I had done was eating away at me and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I did a quick scan around us very aware we didn’t have a lot of time before school started but I felt panicked and wanted to get it over with. The guilt was overwhelming.

“You okay?” he asked softly, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

He was being so sweet, little did he know what I had done behind his back. In that moment with Damien I had not even taken a second to think about Joey. The kiss had been all consuming.

I swallowed nervously.

He smiled at me, that’s when I faltered.

“Yeah, everything is fine.” I tried my best to school my features and I returned his smile.

He frowned. “You sure?”

He was giving me the opening to come clean but I didn’t have it in me. I was a coward.

I nodded.

He put his arm around me and gave my forehead a slight press of his lips.

I spent the rest of the day in wrestling with my conscience. Admonishing myself for not doing the right thing when I had the opportunity. Struggling between knowing I had to tell him and hating the idea that it would crush him.

And I only had myself to blame.

At lunch I barely touched my lunch.

“You sure you’re okay?” Joey asked, noticing that I wasn’t myself.

It was becoming more and more difficult to keep up the facade that there wasn’t something wrong.

I nodded, giving him the best smile I could muster.

By the end of the day I was exhausted. The muscles in my face ached from all the fake smiling.

I walked down to Damien’s car. He was talking to the same girl from yesterday. The sight of them elicited the same reaction I had experienced yesterday.

But I had to play nice because otherwise he would tell my grandmother what I had done and that was the last thing I needed at the moment so I had to play nice.

Damien was too engrossed in the company of the girl that I had to clear my throat when I reached his car.

“I got to go,” Damien said to the girl who seemed to be annoyed I had interrupted them.

“I’ll call you later,” she promised, kissing him on the lips as if she was stamping her possession of him.

I looked away. I had just had one of the most difficult days and watching Damien with a girl was only making it worse.

There was nothing logical about what I was feeling. I had no right to feel the way I did about him but it didn’t matter. It hurt physically.

I got into the car and made a point of putting my seatbelt on. The less interaction I had to have with him, the better for me.

The girl walked away as Damien got in. I stared out of the window refusing to even look in his direction.

“Good to see my threat worked,” he said but I ignored the jibe.

I couldn’t deal with him. All I wanted to do was crawl onto my bed and cry. He started the car and drove us home in silence.